Area 136

Even though I spent the entire day in a totally pointless seminar/course/meeting about how to find a job outside of weird inc. I found a few things to make me smile.

First, as I walked up onto the millennium bridge, a jogger ran past me and slipped as he turned onto the bridge and fell hard down onto his hands and knees.

The words "Oh! Are you all right?" formed behind my lips but didn't make it out through the smile.

Second, the view down the river through the faint haze with the sun hanging in the air like a light bulb on a dimmer switch - easily looked at through the grey cloudy sky.

Third, the fact that both mine and Sarahs Beds were delivered to the flat. OK, I am annoyed that I got a text from Argos last night saying that the delivery time was going to be between 13.00 and 15.00 but got a call this morning at 09.30 from the delivery driver asking if someone would be there in 45 minutes!, but they are there and waiting to be unwrapped and put together.

Oh, and the fact that I am going to Edinburgh tomorrow morning (at "F*CKING HELL O'clock mind you) to see the Moff and in the evening see the fire dancers on Carlton Hill is making me smile.

The journey back on Sunday will be hell though.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

I just looked through three pages of "Recent users" to see who is new in blog land.

Only 11 people appear to be "real" users, the rest are all spam.

So after getting the good news that rather than having two weeks for my two bedroom carpets they could do it today, I was thinking all my good luck was used up.

They were due to come from 12.00 onwards but at 09.30 I got a phone call-

"Ullo, its plush carpets...we 'ave ad a cancellation and we are running about fortee minits early innit. You up fa dat?"

Well I poured my first cup of coffee of the day down the sink in the canteen and shot out of the office like a nocturnal mammal leaving a legendary hot house in a bit of a hurry, possibly with a rather large American dude wailing about young boys "statin' ta foam in the heat"...

So I arrive at the tube station and guess what?

No, go on - guess!

Yup! someone had to go and at something silly at Camden Town and cause all the times to disappear from the next trains display on the platform!

Some people pick the worst days to try out a "passenger train interface"!

So eventually and in just over an hour I reach my flat and the carpet van is sat right outside with two likely lads reading the sports pages within.

I wave, point at the door and open up.

Within half an hour, and an entire hour early - my two bedrooms are fitted with wall to wall carpet!

So anyway, in a little while I am borrowing a hoover and going over to clear up the bits of loose weft and weave before they get stuck on the freshly undercoated skirting boards in the front room and maybe while I am there, light a candle or two in front of the Three Goddesses plaque in the main room and say "thank you"

PS - yes, I have already done the taking the shoes and socks off and walking about scrunching my toes into the fresh new carpet. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm bare feet on new carpet.....

Arriving at work this morning I was greeted by a very odd and not often felt sensation of warmth on walking into the office. Not good will to all men type crap warmth, but actual thermal warmth – the proper kind.

Yes, after only two weeks of cold damp weather they have fixed the boiler.

Typically last night the forecast was for a mini heat wave for the rest of the week.

I suspect our engineers phone Bill Giles up whenever they have any boilers to fix to find the optimum time to do it. Bastards.

So after two weeks of freezing in this dull little box of an office it is going to be all toasty to extreme levels.

No I am never happy.

Also I am not happy about the other sensation I experienced on the train this morning.

When I stood up to change at Bank, my bum felt wet. Well more “rather damp” than wet, but NOT the sort of feeling you want bestowed on you on the train – there are clubs for that sort of thing.

Anyway, brain went into overdrive and I remembered Emms post of last week (re the bag of Cat piss) and as the seat was not cold when I sat on it…..it must be wee right! ARRRRGH! Even the bottom of my coat was damp…urgh.

Of course this being my brain it also went to the good old paranoid failsafe “What if it was YOU?” route, giving me a brief bout of panic along the lines of “Involuntary senior seepage” that I quickly shooed away with a loud burst of mental “LA LA LAAA!” ing.

Getting to work, I hung my coat over the back of my chair and gave said garment a damn good sniffing…..nope…nuffink. No Eau de Tramp groin, no Seeping old man problem….just a leeeetle damp.

Then I remembered.

I had sat in the middle seat in the row, under that “Open to increase ventilation” Grill thing that does nothing but let in RAIN in this weather. I have sat and chuckled at people jumping as the cold drips land on their heads on many a commute. So that was probably it.

Hopefully.

Well it doesn’t smell so I can live with it until I can change later when I get home.

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Rupert the pony was having a nice walk down the lane with Sarah on his back and a nice lady leading him.

Then the horses in the field next to the lane started calling to Rupert to warn him of "predators" lurking in the bushes.

These predators were in fact myself and QM trying to get a good photo.

Rupert turned round, saw the "Predators"...and went for it.

Just for a few seconds he danced and did a little panicked gallop, the woman leading calmed him down and Sarah sat on him through it all, cool as a cucumber.

Daddy of course nearly shat himself!

The nice lady calmed Rupert down and Sarah hopped off, we walked him back to the yard and Sarah got back on with no hesitation and continued her ride.

We have booked riding lessons for her.

She is obviously made of stronger stuff than daddy....

Well, I think that is how it is spelled - Rain = pleu. Perfect onomatopoeic word for the way you feel when you wake up and see rain falling in totally dead straight lines out of a lead grey sky. No wind to move it on, it just drops to the ground in perpendicular formation on to plants and trees that look frozen in time.

Great. And we we're supposed to be taking Sarah for another pony ride.

Well, it eased up and we went for it. Back to the riding school and this time Sarah had a half an hour ride on Solarna, who was a bit bigger, a bit older and a bit calmer than Fleur from last week. We are going back tomorrow for another ride and Sarah is trying to predict which pony she will be given.

After that, a pub lunch and then.......well, the gates of hell opened and I was sucked into the awful pit of the Lakeside shopping centre. True, QM and Sarah got me a chocolate Goddess from Hotel Choclat....but that really does not make up for the acres of slow walking chav bastids that were all over the place. Christ will you twats walk like you are actually GOING SOMEWHERE! And do refrain from stopping dead in front of me and looking at me like I am unreasonable when I walk into your stupid ignorant back!

Anyway, the girls had fun - Sarah got a new set of clothes for her build-a-bear Giraffe (George) as a reward for doing so well at school, and they both got a shed load of choccy from the above mentioned shop..I almost bought a leeetle remote controlled helicopter while waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting..) for the girls to come out of "Lush" - is it just me or do some of the soaps in there look more like cheeses.......

Anyway after that - we went to a bloody supermarket for what seemed like a lifetime and got some very yummy noms...but I don't want to see another shop for about.....ever.

Unless it sells guitars booze and women.

If you know of such and establishment, emails to the usual address......

More from the wonderful "Texts from last night" site.

(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

You may have to click to see it all.

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I hope it is a good one.

I myself am now off to strip the bedclothes off my bed and bung them in the washing machine.

See, it is not all wine and prezzies for the rest of us.

My hands may have been cold earlier, but now my left hand hurts like I have just shaken hands with a Gorilla!

Why?

Well, as I got home quite early I decided to do some guitar lessons from "you tube" and - rather stupidly - picked some by Paul Gilbert. Simple alternate picking and pull off licks. I have always been rubbish at that sort of stuff, which is why when I was in my 20's I got my alternate picking up to a high level of speed and accuracy. (yes, I do realise that most of you who don't play guitar are now saying "waddafuqiseeeonabout!)

So anyway, I got out the Metronome and set it to something not that fast, and started doing the exercises....

After twenty minutes my left hand was full of rocks and my forearm was burning.

So, a leeeetle out of practice then.

And even doing the scales I used to be able to play with great speed and accuracy sound like train wrecks now.

God it was depressing.

And bloody painful...

It is chuffin' freezin' in this office today.

There is a draft blowing through the narrow gap between the swing doors to the canteen and it is making a very quiet howling sound, like someone in the next room playing a sound effect of a gale....Seriously - it is very annoying.

and my hands are starting to go numb.

I would complain and ask for something to be done about it, but it would take so long for the Weird Inc engineers to sort it out, what with all the standing around sucking on there teeth and starting every sentence with "Weelllll ya see the fing is..." that nothing would get done till next week.

And by then we will probably have a freak heat wave.

I am off to sit in a hand basin of hot water.

I may have to reconsider being a memeber of a Blog that is sponsored by BMW!

I mean they are the engine supplier to the enemy!

Why not get Mercedes to sponsor the site?

Bloody BMW!

Now.

What I want you to do is this.

Tell all your blog budereenos what your favourite type or/and types of music is....

And then tell them all what your favourite song that DOES NOT fit into those categories is.

Let me lead by example - mainly because I have no shame or sense of impending embarrassment..

My favourite sorts of music is/are - Heavy metal, Classic rock, blues rock, blues, Techno metal noisy shouty stuff and on some occasions Cuban music.

My favourite song that does not belong in any of those categories is:

"Lovely Day" by Bill Withers.

Your go!

Mai Fone.

He looks like he is enjoying it there.

Ships and Queene Mab got this phone when Moff was about Sarahs age and then put him away a few years ago when they got some new phones. But when I found him in a cupboard upstairs I said to myself "Oh yes, You will be mine!"

So I asked and I got.

Yes I am a sad geek....

So?

It is officially f*cking freezing outside, especially around the 6.45am area I often find myself walking about in.

So as I shivered up the road to the station I thought to myself that maybe it would have been a good idea to start wearing the fleece under the jacket again. But that is the problem with this winter commuting thing.

You wrap yourself up all nice and warm for the trip to the station/bus stop and the inevitable wait in the cold air, and when your chosen form of transport arrives you find it is also doubling as a mobile blast furnace.

Also it will get very crowded, which only adds to the high levels of toasty-ness on board.

If you are wearing layers it is a bit difficult to strip some of them off on a crowded train and you only have to get them back on before you get off again.

Hmm, so I am faced with my two regular choices – freeze on the way to and from the station or be snug and cosy while walking and nearly die of heatstroke/dehydration on the train.

Meh.

Black Books....but done by puppets......

No idea frankly.

Books I mean. They can be very comforting and familiar.

Even new ones.

Right now I am reading “Unseen Academicals” by Terry Pratchet, and it provides a nice cozy feeling around the brain.

This is because like a lot of his books, it starts out with something odd and unexplained happening that appears to have no bearing on the rest of the story. But of course you know it will have. And there are the early pages that introduce the seemingly un-related characters that you know will be interacting with each other in various ways by the start of the second third of the book.

And of course the old familiar “faces” from the series. I am pleased to report that Lord Vetinari has made an appearance, good – I like him.

And the wizards are being there normal over eating selves.

The only down side is that the main theme of the book is…..Football.

And we all know how much I hate that game.

Mind you, this being the Discworld in general and Ankh-Morpork in particular; it is not football as we do it. No poncey pea brained clotheshorses with masses of “product” on their hair and vacuous bimbo girlfriends here.

Well not yet.

Has been mentioned on here before, but I have to recommend it to you myself for this text exchange I have just read.

(831): I puked off the balcony.
(1-831): Not horrible
(831): Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

With a large Martini close at had (which, along with a couple of other things has helped purge the rage I was feeling towards a certain BITCH ex wife)

The film classic I am viewing?

"Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus"

Should be "interesting"

I have I hope left my mobile phone charger at work.

Which is a pain as my mobile phone could do with a charge but it is now off, saving the half charge that it has so I can use it if I really need to.

But I really need to send pointless texts....bah!

Mind you, the grand total of people I use my phone to talk to regularly is two and one of them is in the house now so it is no great catastrophe. Makes me wonder why I have a mobile phone in the first place.....

there is one other phone in the house that is of the same make as mine but of course, mobile phone companies only make chargers fit one model of phone, not every phone they make. Bastards!

Apparently one day soon ALL mobile phone chargers will be the same - usable for any phone.

Why not NOW!

Argh.

Of course if I have not left it in my drawer at work (with my spare I-pod charger) I am fucked. I will have to buy a new one and I bet it won't be cheap.

meh.

Anyway.

I am off for a shower now, gotta go out and do stuff.

I am never mentioning anything about the flat on here again, as everything I tried to do there decorating wise today went wrong.

I am severely pissed off.

And please, no more helpful comments about "Move in its all done" because I have enough monkeys about trying to get the mountain of stuff I need to do done as soon as possible.

After today I have feel like it will never be over and done with.

I have had to put FIVE bloody coats of that colour to get the two walls in my bedroom even remotely not patchy. FIVE!

Even now it is still not up to my standards but it will have to do. Yes I am picky, but I used to do this chucking paint around as a sort of living ages ago so I just am.

Also my bedroom is now about an eighth of an inch narrower due to the amount of paint on said walls.

So after the final coat went on I did some preparation of the woodwork in the living room and then decided to wash up and put away the cookware that was still sitting wrapped in paper in the kitchen. Yes there was me, in my own little kitchen, scrubbing away humming the fairy liquid advert and changing the words to something filthy. A true picture of domesticisitisticy……or summink.

Then a fast and furious blast round the living room to get the first coat of paint on all the walls.

Didn’t get back to Rancho Collapso till a quarter past six and on sitting down, realised that I had not eaten for about 8 hours. And a bloody cookery programme came on. God that was torture, I was so hungry that when Ships finally came and placed a bowl of sliced crusty bread and a baked Camembert on the table I nearly dived headfirst into it. By that stage I would have eaten a dead horses arse with a rusty fork!

Thankfully that was not on the menu, Ships served up a wonderful big bowl homemade onion soup for everyone.

Then, being fully famine resistant and starting to feel rather achy I had an attempt to get lappet to log on to the Internet, but for some very odd reason it refuses to see the wireless router thingy when it is raining! Seeing as how it had been raining for almost six hours I had no chance.

So I went to bed early.

I just ooze “Rock and Roll lifestyle” from every pour no?

About the only people who seem to blog on here are Spammers!

I just took a gaze down the "Recent posts" bit, and between the two posts that appear at the top of my "Friends posts" list there must be about 20 blogs telling me how to buy cameras or computers, not to mention the "Link farms"!!

It is even more annoying when many of my favourite bloggers are not blogging much anymore.

In other news, this morning the hand rail on the escalators was going slower than the stairs. No, I know you are shocked and yet still pleased I brought this fact to your attention. I care you see, that is why I do this.

Who said "fuck off"?

See me after.

1 – Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Possibly. Some of them already have.

2 – How do you flush the toilet in public?
With vigour and hope.

3 – Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Of course, it’s the law.

4 – Do you have a crush on someone?
Of course I do. Bloody pointless really.

5 – Name one thing you worry about running out of?
Paint.

6 – What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
Other people used to think I looked like Francis Rossi. Thanks life, nice one.

7 – What is your favourite Pizza topping?
Brattle, geese and trout. Actually I don’t eat pizza that often.

8 – Do you crack your knuckles?
No! My thumbs go pop sometimes but that just happens. I hate people who crack their knuckles!

9 – What song do you hate the most?
Anything by Coldplay would be a strong contender.

10 – Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
No, because I was charmingly general and vague in my answer, it’s a skill.

11 – What are your super powers?
I appear to have the ability to turn women from nice lovely people to raving mad bitches. It could be time to change my aftershave.

12 – Peppermint or Spearmint?
Have no preference.

13 – Where are your car keys?
If I had them, hopefully snuggling in Viki Butler-Hendersons cleavage.

14 – Last song listened to?
“Girls made of Heavy Metal” by Crucified Barbara.

And one added by me.
15 – Last thing to disturb you?
The way the handrail on the escalators was moving just a little bit quicker than the stairs.

Meh.

We (QM and moi) were sat in a little coffee bar next door to Citydoc and it is 10am. Our appointment to get our travel shots is also for 10am. They are not open – not looking good so far.

An Aston Martin pulls up, “That’ll be the doctor,” says QM and she is right. A slim, blond apparently 20-year-old child in a nice suit gets out of the motor and comes to open up and his receptionist apologises to us.

Doctor Embryo goes in then comes back out with a sign that he stands on the pavement. It advertises the fact that they do walk in STD and aids tests. “Nice touch” I think as I go in.

It is actually very nice inside. We fill in forms and go see Doctor Embryo. He is a nice bloke, and even though we are seeing him privately he talks us out of the expensive malaria pills and advises us that over the counter stuff will be fine for where we are going. Odd, he talked us out of giving him more money – that doesn’t happen often.

So I get stuck with two needles and not one of the plasters he sticks on me has a little frog on them. Not going back there again. Hmph!

So QM and I go and have lunch by the river after a wander through Borough Market. Very nice meaty noms – slice of cow banged thin with a big mallet, chips and creamed spinach.

Then back home to await Sarah, who arrives looking taller than when I saw her last weekend. How do kids do that? She is delighted to find that we are having an Indian takeaway later as her new favourite food is Veg samosas. There is nothing on the TV so we all settle down and watch “The Two Towers” – much Orc chopping and sword waving and curry on the side.

Sunday, and that great woman QM goes down to the farmers market and brings us back some Aberdeen Angus burgers, I eat mine in bed and Sarah eats hers sat on the edge of the bed and she declares that “This is better than a Burger King!” Well obviously darlink. It has real cow in it.

A massive stroke of luck enables me to not have to go to the shops with Sarah and QM as they purchase new winter clothes, probably something to do with being a sulky male when clothes shopping, and when they return I am treated to a catwalk show by Sarah as she shows me all her new gear. I will be financially ruined but she will be warm on the way to school.

We go out for another curry for lunch, and then return to Rancho Collapso where Sarah decides it is time for the last harvest of conkers from the lawn. Mid way through this procedure Sarah decides she would like to lay in the hammock, so I set it up and she lays there and has a relax in the surprisingly warm sun, and insists that I get in with her. So I do, and we end up having a play fight/squabble over a conker, which of course leads to us overturning the hammock and getting dumped onto the grass. Twice. Hey, it was fun and yes I am immature. QM discovers us lazing about and accuses us of neglecting our conker gathering duties. We try to look like we feel guilty…

After we dropped Sarah back to her mum it was back to Rancho Collapso for mixed bean, veg and spicy sausage stew with tiger bread. Yes all those beans have had “that” effect on me. I am not a good person to be in a confined space with right now.

So, possibly the longest and dullest post you will read today, but I felt like spoiling you. No, you deserve it – no need to thank me…….

He has just lost FIVE GRAND of a viewers money live on TV.

Unless of course he staged it and there is some big reveal later.

But if it is true (and in truth he only missed the number on the roulette wheel by one) then he messed up live on TV.

HAH!

Tomorrow I am off to that there fancy "The London" to be stabbed with quite a few needles.

I have to be vaccinated and protected against various horrible diseases and also probably get some malaria pills.

Thing is I will probably feel (even more) crap for a bit afterwoods if I am unlucky.

Should make for a good weekend.

Dunno really.

So I will be sat all day in the offices of our consultants being bored, and I have tonight had a tai fish curry (made by shipscook).

And I can feel some rumbles in the intestinal department already....

Hope the windows in that place are openable....

Well the odd reason is we want to laugh at Boris Johnson who is going to be making a cameo on it tonight.

God I hope it is soon as I hate this show.

I have not had to watch it for years and I can safely say I don't recognise anybody on it.

FANTASTIC! I love being out of touch like that.

Like when I hear the name of the band that has been at the top of our national pop charts for three weeks and I think "Thank god I have no idea who they are"

Growing old has some compensations.

I made it.

I got through “The Month of madness” or September as it is more commonly known and nothing of life screwing up proportions seems to have happened.

Blimey!

It has been noted by me and those closest to me that if it is going to go tits up, September is when the metaphorical boobies are gonna start rising.

BUT…

I didn’t fuck up a relationship.

I didn’t start a new disastrous doomed from day one romance.

I didn’t have anything dropping on me from out of the blue to flatten my spirit, hopes and dreams.

I didn’t even get an unwanted stiffy on public transport!

Still…..

Year ain’t over yet!

There I was, stood waiting for the lift to come down from the second floor after a chilly visit to the outside world of the smoker.

The lift arrived and a woman got out. I wondered briefly why her eyes were watering but found out pretty soon after stepping into the lift and letting the doors close.

The lift stank like a steel lined box of arse waft! She must have let loose an “air biscuit” of titanic proportions. No wonder her eyes were running!

Then I came over all Sherlock Holmes and realised that such a stodgy gas barrage may have been left in the lift by someone before her, I could not conclude that it was she that had done the trouser cough.

Then I started praying that A- I would not pass out before reaching the second floor and B – there would be no one there waiting for the lift because if there was, they would obviously think it was one of mine.

Well I didn’t pass out.

But there WAS another woman waiting to use the lift.

Oh great.

So I just smiled politely and exited as quickly as I could without breaking into a run.

I fully expect her to be found collapsed and unconscious between the lift doors on the ground floor any minute now.