Area 136

So goodnight.

Spent most of the day feeling very tired.

Maybe all that Cava and stuff at the flat last night was not a good idea.

When I got back to Rancho Collapso I had a littlish Martini or two to celebrate a bit more and went to bed a bit late.

So today I felt a bit tired.

This afternoon I met "Flea bag" again - she knocked on the door on the way past to ask me something about the advice my friend had given her last night. Silly person.

And I apologise for calling her American, she appears to be from South America...still foreign though innit. Ahem.

Sorted the direct debit stuff for electricity, phone and broad band, bought a wireless router form the service providers and also set up the direct debit for the council tax.

Also went out and got some bits and pieces from a shop in the high road called "The Pirates Den" (was I meant to live here or what) which sells almost every bit of house hold stuff you could want - cooking utensils, bread baskets, laundry baskets, suit cases, cups, candle lighters, towels, toys, storage boxes....all crammed into a tiny shop.

Now if only I could get hold of Thames Water I would be laughing. I have an account but I can't find the water meter - which must be down a manhole cover outside and just want to tell them this. Their website is rubbish and they don't like answering their phones.

And now I am being telepathically nagged by Queene Mab to pack for our trip to Amsterdam tomorrow.

We are supposedly having an early start tomorrow and even though I have spent all day being in a near coma, I am now wide awake!

Bugger!

Oh well.

I am off now to

PICK UP THE KEYS TO MY FLAT!

Oh yeah.

RING YOU BASTARD THING! Wibble. :??:

But it is not stopping me staring at it every five minutes as it sits on my desk.

It is not stopping me holding it in my hand as I walk about the office so I don’t miss the slightest vibration should it go off.

And I know that the very important call I am waiting for won’t happen before 10am, but…ya know…it might.

I am actually shaking.

It is all good.

In other news, I am off to Amsterdam this weekend. I promise to post photos when I get back of me before and after the “giggly cakes”.

Ahem.

We have a malfunctioning light in this office.

Yes yes, I know "Oh wow another riveting post from old nick"

Go read someone else then.

Anyway, all week it has been flashing on and off all day and making a little pinging sound when it does.

This malfunctioning light has not been reported because basically it is over Mr Annoyings desk.

So we just left it and looked forward to his return today and the fun we could have watching him get driven mad.

35 minutes after his arrival I heard "OH GIVE ME A BLOODY STEP LADDER AND I'LL CHANGE THE BLOODY THING MYSELF!"

Office life: it's not big and it's not clever.

Meh.

Well “my middle aged skin” would be more accurate.

I mean apart from the fact that my face is slowly sliding down the front of my skull as time wears on, my skin is not the young and quick to recover stuff it once was.

Well obviously.

This morning for instance I woke up on my left side.

When I looked in the bathroom mirror it looked like I had been in a sabre duel and lost!

There were what looked like three long scars down the left hand side of my face – fold lines from the night.

“Arrrg! I have been visited by the wrinkle fairy!”

But the worst bit is that they hadn’t gone twenty minutes later when I left the house.

I may have to iron myself tomorrow morning.

"The way you look at life has changed. You now believe the glass is half full and not half empty."

Oh ya think?

I can confidently report that my natural optimism level remains the same as ever.

Which is about the same level of optimism felt by someone that has just signed up for a tap dancing course given by Long John Silver...

He did!

Check out the lyrics to Hound Dog.

"You're like a one eyed cat, peeping in a seafood store"

AHEM!

"One eye".."Seafood"

But also, The Beatles were a bit racy....

Name the song in which they ask their girlfriend to give them a blow job..

Hmmmm?

Please Please me.

Look at the evidence:

"Last night I said these words to my girl,
How come you never even try girl?" - Been there ain't we lads?
"Come on, come on, come on,..." - Well this goes on in a call and response stylee but then they hit the point.

"Please please me, Oh yeah! Like I please you"

Yeah! John, Paul, George and the drummer are fed up of munching unclipped German 60's lady carpet and want their horns blown.

Dirty bastards...

Hang the fuck on!

Dante Gabrielle Rosette for coming first in the Dressage did NOT throw his poems ON TOP of the coffin of his hirsute wife!

He put them in the coffin with her.

Which is why, with permission of the Home Secretary of the time and SEVERAL years later he dug her up (the callous bastard) to get them back. No photo copiers back then you see.

I suppose there is going to be a second series.

Hope there is as many boob shots in it.....

God I wish Battersea Park was still like that....

"Fancy a grope sir?"

Budget offer obviously...

But all those beds and "Gazebos" with the drapes....

And the women with their....."balconies" uncovered.

A simpler time....

I think I would have fitted in well.

Or at least had some fun before being thrown in the Thames.

What the FUCK is she wearing on "The One Show" tonight?!

I know those of you outside the London area can't see this and you are lucky.

She is sitting there all sultry and gorgeous...

Wearing what looks like a yellow bed sheet wrapped around her from the underarms to her waist...then what looks like a striped black and white tent from the waist down.

She looks like a typical brit girl on holiday....

Very "Essex"

Still wanna jump her though....

ahem.

Blame Eggbod for putting this thought into my head.

But the answer to the question "Which came first, the Egg or the Hen?"

IS....

The Egg obviously.

Because Eggs evolved before birds.

Dynos were laying them, amphibians were laying them and then along came birds.

And then later, Hens.

There you have it.

No need to thank me.

And I still have not spoken to a human being.

Utilities suppliers, don’t you just love them?

And every now and again you get the pre recorded “We realise that you want to give us some money, but we like to keep you waiting so your phone service provider can share in the killing. Your phone call is important to us, we just don’t feel like answering it right now” message.

And the longer the sound of people sawing away on Violins goes on, the more and more vague your mind becomes….

“Who am I calling again?”

“What am I phoning whoever it is for? Is this the gas, water or electricity people…”

So when they do answer (which they didn’t in this case but I have been doing this sort of thing all morning) you are caught out and sound like an idiot and not the grown up, in control of the situation person you really are as you blurt “Ah! Yes, erm right, yes I need to sort out my…erm…thing..”

Cool as fuck.

Not.

All the way, way way over there (points randomly about) is Smitty having a birthday.

I hope it is a good one fella.

Enjoy your day.

Amazing where you mind will go when you don’t have a copy of the Metro to stuff in it.

Why mine decided to go to dark places I don’t know.

I should be very happy, not scared and worried.

Apparently I made a lot of noise last night, nightmares aplenty.

I don’t remember any of them but I was shouting things. I remember waking up scared and a fading memory of spiders I think it was…

But anyway.

I have to make a few phone calls today to sort some stuff out.

In other news:

Christ, Posh spice looks bloody awful! I have no real interest in her or any of that wag crowd but when you see her skeletal near death carcass on the cover of a magazine in the supermarket, it can give you a bit of a shock first thing in the morning.

More nightmares tonight then…..

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!

That is all.

Well, no…. not really.

Drunk two big cups of black coffee so far, caught up on emails, plugged mobile on to fill up with electricity, put Planet Rock on my computer to give me something to listen too….read blogs…..smoked ciggies…..

Meh.

It’s Monday.

Although my stars say that I “cannot afford to miss out on what the stars are planning for tonight. Don’t decline any last minute invitations; they could just bring your birthday and Christmas all at once”……..

Yeah.

Right.

Anyway.

Is it not time to go home yet?

I got bought a couple of packets of these in Edinburgh.

Trouble is, whenever I lit one up I found my self arching my eyebrow and saying

"So Mr Bond, what brings you to my country?"

In a Russian accent......

The only time I have seen Edinburgh as full of people as it was this weekend was at the new year.

The Royal Mile is a slow torrent of people trying to flow up and downhill, the street performers, singers and "living Statues" causing stagnant tidal pools of people to wash up around them (Living statues - I can't be the only person that wants to walk up to them and scream "Get a proper fucking job!" in their faces can I?"

The atmosphere is however very good, just like the weather.

Friday we had curry buffet with the Moff and her friend KA. Then wandered round to "The Uderbelly" main performance area to get some drinks and plan what (if anything) we wanted to see that night.

After some more drinkies and some food for all of us from the stalls in the area we decided to see a play - "Hayton on Homicide" I believe it was called. Bit like a well acted Hammer Horror film but with out the special effects. It was quite good, set in Cambridge in the 1890's it was full of hauntings and mysterious seeds and talk of demons and rationality.

Then some drinkies before we walked the girls back to their place then a trip to "The Auld Hoose" pub for us "Adults"

Standing outside having a cigarette a young lady called Claudia - who was very happily drunk - decided to tell me all about herself and her 8 years spent living in Edinburgh. She was trying to avoid a date gone wrong and delaying returning to the warmth of the pub for as long as possible. Eventually I managed to get back inside for another drink with ships and Mab.

Saturday we got up at a reasonable hour and went to hunt down breakfast. After that it was back to the Uderbelly to see Marcus Brigstock hosting "The Early Edition" with three other comedians (whose names escape me now). They basically go through the days papers and rip the piss out of them, and each other. Very entertaining and funny.

But then.

Oh what a mistake. We decided to go and see a comedy due called "The Muffia" - two girls obviously - in a show called "Tight Women". I will never get those forty minutes of my life back. It was supposed to be a skit on loose women and was so awful and going down so badly that I suspect they ended it early, as when we came out the venue staff looked suprised.

I wanted to gather up all their flyers from the pub that we went into for a medicinal pint and write "If you only miss one show this festival, make sure it is this one" on them.

I suppose you have to take the bad with the good....or something.

We met up with Moff and KA again and took them to dinner in the Witchery. Where of course we had the cheapskate "light lunch/pre theatre" menu. But mainly you go in there to soak up the atmosphere and be seen in there. And in my case, annoy the waiters by tying a knot in your napkin every time you put it on the table and watching them come over, untie it and smooth it out before putting it back where you had placed it.

Anyway we had a wander round after dark, just looking and stopping off here and there for drinks.

We sat ourselves in The Meadows Bar for another drink and a nice Aussie bloke came up and said he and his friend would be doing some free comedy upstairs in half an hour and gave us a flyer. As it was free and we were in desperate need of having the shite comedy taste of The muffia washed out of our mouths we willingly went up.

Good move. The two guys were very funny and worked well with the audience - even the slightly too jovial (i.e. drunk) ones sat behind us. I don't remember their (the comedians) names but they both made us laugh and I think that the second guy was the first Norwegian comic I have seen.

A few more drinks then home to bed. Our hotel was rubbish but I will let one of the others fill you in on that.

And now here I am on the train home.

So that was the weekend. I had a great time.

That is how far the 08.00 train to Edinburgh has got me so far.

Journey is not too bad after a slight dispute over the seating arrangements with some people who can't read seat numbers.

We have a very nice Slovakian girl sitting at our table who is a pianist, is playing at the festival and is then off to Athens to see her boyfriend. QueeneMab and her have been swapping tourism tips.

So soon I will be back up there in the cold place and having a curry buffet lunch with the Moff.

In other news, my arse has gone numb so I may have to have another wander to the toilets to let the blood start flowing again.

And yes Landers, QM did get us up at silly o'clock to make the train.

So, filling in an online council tax form. It asks for lots of information about the name and addresses of estate agents, which I did out – property addresses, which I fill in – sale dates, which I drag from my memory. I go to fill in the date of completion. It does not like the date. “Date cannot be in excess of 20 August 2009” it says. What! The date today? So I phone up and explain to someone in the council tax section that there form is a bit odd. “Oh you can do it over the phone now if you like” “Ah but I don’t have all the info about agents addresses here as I have just popped out for a ciggie, they are at my desk” Turns out that all he needs is my name, the address I am going to and when I will be there. So why do they want all that other bloody stuff when you do it on line? They love to make things more complicated than they need to be don’t they. Idiots.

The doctor is about to not get the chance to tell Rose that he loves her at the end of the bloody repeat episode of the doctor.

And he is going to run out of time and it will be all dramatic.

Why not, and this is just a suggestion Dr buddy, why not stop waffling about and talking bollocks on a connection/projection that has a limited time and JUST SAY IT FIRST!

God!

Time lords are such arses.

Not that I approve of all this romantic BOLLOCKS of course.

If you are going to fly around a super nova to get enough power to call another universe you would think you would check that you had enough calling credit first..........

I mean two minutes for a supanova is not really a good deal..

Today in a far off corner of a foreign field that is forever know as the Edwards Air force base, a group of men will be standing around being very British.

I suspect they will all be wearing those brown shop coats as worn by Ronnie Barker in open all hours, standing around sucking on pipes while tutting at clipboards as others wield spanners and administer grease to bearings.

Over the next four days they are going to try to break the longest standing land speed record, a record that has stood since 1906 – by hitting the heady figure of over 127 mph.

Why bother? Most half decent sports cars can do that these days.

Well it is the land speed record for Steam powered cars.

Yep, that group of British tinkerers are trying to get a 25ft, three tonne car powered by steam up to over 127 miles an hour.

Who have they got on their pit crew – Wallace and Grommet?

Hooray for British eccentricity.

Imagine you are sitting in the company of someone you consider to be the most wonderful example of physical perfection you have ever beheld.

Imagine also that this angel actually likes you and is also enjoying your company.

And you are enjoying theirs, and they have a really good personality, are kind and considerate and not a racist or sexist idiot.

Sounds great so far.

But what I want to know is this:

What would be the one thing that would put you off them totally?

For me it would be chewing with their mouth open. Arrrgh!

I don’t mean eating with their mouth open – in my opinion people who eat with their mouth open need to be tazered and taken away to a secure rest home where they could sit on a ward all day, chewing the cud with all the other ruminants.

No, I mean chewing gum with their mouth open would make me want to run screaming out of the room.

So what would put you off?

I may ask more silly questions later if I can stay awake...

That he had a friend called Vanillais....

And they never painted their own material....

I will get my frock coat.

ahem.

In the lounge of Rancho collapso, amid the smell of chips from the luverly Kebab remains - a conversation:

"Well ships darlink, you could put on the recording of that pre Raphaelite shag monsters so Old Nick can see Fanny Cornhills boobs bouncing as Rossetti shags her?"

"Well OK"

"Hang on, I am going for a ciggie"

"What! are you ill?"

"Look, all I have to do is hit the internet and I can find all the mid shag bouncing boobs I want, plus the money shot! she was probably sat on a board being bounced up and down by the best boy and the key grip with their eyes closed"

"You cynic"

"Yeah, but I will cop a look at the tounching Bitties when I come back AFTER my ciggie"

"Man you got class"

I don't know what is going on round here.

Apart from the fact that many bloggers seem to be lying low these days that is.

Sometimes I look at the "more blogs" list and include all blogs in it and have a scrol down. I used to do this a year ago as a way of finding new bloggers to read, just seeing who was out there and what was going on.

These days there is blog after blog of utter rubbish - links for this and that (and many many of them by some wanker called John Walker who I really wish would fuck off and die) and sites by very "friendly people" telling us how to buy the best and cheapest cameras/kitchen flooring/phones/viagra/vitamins/rubber dogs/aircraft carriers/blow up nuns.....OK, may have been exagerating with a couple of the last ones...but anyway.

I used to go and flag these knobs when I had nothing to do but there are just so many of them now.

Anyway.

Sorry. I have probably ranted about this before and I know that blog does try its best to stop these c*nts from clogging up our pages.

But some days they are about the only thing you can find to read on here.

Yep.

an attack of the "meh"

I haz one.

I was reminded of something by AJ this morning that I had actually forgotten about.

I had forgotten about it because it is something so vile and horrible that I must have blanked it out of my holiday memories, but now it is back and I need to vent.

Thomson Holidays – if you fly with them this summer, be prepared to use the sick bag even before the plane has “rolled back”

They have THE MOST VOMIT INDUCING SAFETY VIDEO IN HISTORY!

Not because it shows you exactly how little use sticking your head between your legs when you hear the phrase “Brace! Brace!” actually is as you slam into a mountain.

Not because it shows you in graphic detail what will happen to you if you fuck about and don’t leave a burning aircraft by the nearest available exit and try to rescue your duty free first.

No, none of those horrors appear in this film but watching it made me want to rip out my eyes and swallow them.

It features safety demonstration of all the usual stuff – “your seat belt fastens like this, oxygen masks are fitted like this and don’t inflate your life jacket till you are outside the plane you idiots” yadda yadda yadda…. but everyone in the film is under 10 years old, dressed as flight attendants. And the worst part is that the “lead” character does the main voice over. A young girl with an Irish accent and a “cute” lisp.

AAAARRRRGH! It is un-fucking-bearable!

Even Sarah, who is 9 remember – hates it.

What are they implying? Do they think that most of their passengers are likely to pay more attention because of the “Aww lookit de lickle kiddies being all gwown up!” factor?

It don’t work when you are on a plane full of horrible wailing sticky kids who are going on holiday for the first time and being way over excited I can tell you!

www.rathergood.com/abba

Snrk!

So there you are, three English motoring journalists up against your three German counterparts in a number of racing challenges.

You have been told that you are representing the BBC and you should not mention the war.....too much.

So how do you arrive at the race without rubbing anyones nose in history?

You fly in in three two seat spitfires, then drive from the spits to the track in three Aston Martins.

God I love Top Gear repeats on Dave........

Boring,

A know it all,

under the impression that he is in charge of us,

possesed of a very annoying voice that he loves the sound of....

But he is also whistling "Scarboro fayre" OUT OF TUNE!

I may have to stab him in the neck with a pen......

A weekend of good weather,

kite flying,

Laughter,

Lay ins,

Hammock snoozes,

Giving "getting into hammock with out falling straight out the other side" lessons,

Eating in the sun,

Drinking in the sun,

God - weekends are such hard work.

Bring on the next one.

Or as the rest of blog world knows you, Sweety Mon.

Your mother has already posted some very nice piccies of you as a little 'un....and I will make no size based jokes here.

for a change.

I hope you have a great day and lots of good prezzies.

Have a big birthday hug.

xx

Spent a very enjoyable couple of hours on the cliffs at Walton with Sarah, flying a Butterfly kite.

Sarah loved it and she is actually very good at it.

I have not flown a kite for bloody YEARS.

It is very relaxing.

Before that we had some great fish and chips from a place in the town and ate them up on the cliffs in the bright sunshine. But we ate them sat in the car to avoid being pestered by clouds of Seagulls. As everyone knows, the Seagulls natural prey is the chip and we were far too hungry after the journey to risk having our deep fried and wonderful noms stolen by a sqwarking airborne pirate.

Dropped Sarah back at her mums flat as she is off tomorrow morning for two weeks on Lyndisfarne.

After two weeks in Ibiza.....

Hope it is not too much of a culture shock for her.

I read in the Metro this morning that according to research women are more likely to find a man attractive is he is already in a relationship….

EH?

They showed a picture of a reasonably attractive man to a test group of single women and 90% said they would be interested in him after being told he was “taken” but only 59% wanting to know when they were told he was single…..

Now hang on….so……right….

If single blokes pretend to have a girlfriend they will have women throwing themselves at them….so if we pretend to be with a partner…..the woman you probably really want won’t try anything…..hang on…..my head is starting to hurt…..

I need to discuss this with my girlfriend……..

Ahem.

Born William Lester Polfus I think it was, know around the world as Les Paul.

Great guitar player (Go look for “How High the Moon” on you tube) and still gigging every week in a club when in his 90’s, his fingers still flying at that advanced age.

Broke his right arm in an accident when young and when the doctors told him they would have to set his elbow and it would never bend again, he told them to set it so his right hand was over his navel – so he would be able to keep playing the guitar.

He designed my favourite guitar, but the exact level of his involvement is debated. Typically Les said he had a hand in all aspects of it and Ted McCarty (Gibson President at the time) says he took a finished guitar to Les and asked if they could put his name on it.

Whatever, Les Paul introduced the concept of pure lust into my young life.

I first think I saw A LP guitar on TV in the hands of Marc Bolan and that was it. “Nice guitar!” although I had no idea what it was.

Years later I got into Thin Lizzy and there were two of those guitars on the back cover, slung low in front of Scot Gorham and Brian Robertson. “If that is the sound you can make with those guitars, I WANT ONE!”

Of course I had to learn to play first….

I remember looking at a tobacco sunburst Les Paul Standard in a shop in Ilford and thinking “If I ever see a woman as hot as that, I will have to have her…”

Don’t think I ever did see a woman as hot looking as that guitar…..

Sorry for the ramble.

RIP Les Paul.

And thanks for putting lust, obsession and passion into my life first. And for making four rather large holes in my bank balance over the years…..

So here I am in this here fancy “The London” on a day when overground services into one of the cities busiest terminus stations are buggered for two days.

Now I only pass through Liverpool Street Station these days, or more accurately pass under it sitting on a crowded tube train, but in anticipation of there being loads more people needing to get in via the underground sweat box, I left a bit earlier.

It didn’t seem much more crowded to me. I don’t know what QM thought as she was hidden from my view on the other side of the carriage behind a wall of standing drones.

But the thing is, I can use this overcrowding as a legitimate reason for going early. But other people will be also using this excuse…so I will maybe go “early” early.

It is so hard being a commuter in this city darlinks! You just wouldn’t believe it.

Come up with a more whimpy swear phrase than this one wot I have just concocted:

"Fuckity poo wank"

And hurry up.

Why does Google seem so pleased with itself when it finally comes back on?

Only to tell you that it is no longer available and you should check your internet connection....then make with the "And we're BACK!" lie again.

In and out like a fiddlers elbow today it is.

Bugger.

Because I don’t think sitting up watching Linda Blair be all buff and hot in T2 was such a great Idea. No, my tiredness has nothing at all to do with the wine consumed while watching the film.

Someone asked me (as I said the buffed up fit female type was not my normal taste) if I like “soft squidgy” women normally.

Well I like women who look like women…I also like petit women…big women…all sorts of body styles really.

I realised on holiday that there is one particular part of a woman that is really important to me though. I sort of knew this already but it was underlined a few times in Ibiza.

I saw a couple of very attractive women, but when they revealed this area of their bodies I thought, “Ah, no. Not as hot as I thought”

Yep, when these women took off their sunglasses and I could see their eyes they were not as attractive as I had first thought.

So that is the real thing that attracts me to someone – their eyes.

Probably.

Oh god honestly, I don’t bloody know. But it is an important aspect.

Christ I need some coffee.

Oh and while we are here – that thing about Match dot com last night?

A rather large fib - Never been anywhere near the place. Sorry, just fancied a wind up.

Lynda Hamilton in Terminator 2.

I'd forgotten how hot she was...

toned and fit.

Don't normally go for that look.

But I fell in lust with her in the first movie....

Nom nom.

OK,

The adverts were annoying the hell out of me and had been for weeks.

They only show up on after watershed TV when I may, just may - have been a little "refreshed"

And some of you have been talking about this site recently so....

Anyway.

I joined "match.com." or whatever it is called.

It was about two months ago.

It was just for a laugh, and obviously my profile has a icon for a profile picture and not a real/false picture of a face.

So.

Well yes I am ashamed that I did it, and even had some chats and stuff.

But,

If you can find my profile - You win a prize.

Either a bottle of wine or an actual date with me.

OK, tell me what wine you want.....

I must have been sitting awkwardly for too long. But just now I got up from my seat to go to the toilet and realised that a little area of my body had gone numb. It was a little area of my “undercarriage” just behind the floppy wobbly dangly globes us gents have down there. How the hell did that go numb! Anyway the point is that I realised it had gone numb due to the sensation of the blood flowing back into the area – in that painful way it does when it starts to flow back into a be-numbed segment of your body. So strangling a cry of “arrrgh my arse!” with gritted teeth, I tried to walk out of the office and into the corridor normally but suspect I looked like I was doing an impression of John Wayne after a bad follow through. Really it felt like someone was trying to poke a blunt stick into me down there. Thankfully the corridor was empty and I could facilitate the speedy return of circulation with a quick scratch of the painful area. Class, I HAZ IT. No don’t thank me for this story. It’s all about sharing on here after all. Hope your afternoon got off to a less painful start.

Well in the Metro this morning anyway.

“Pisces
You can’t seem to get an ex off your mind. Try or you will miss out on the current compatible faces vying for your attention. Travel brings fun and an offer of a new life.”

OK lets look at how wrong this all is shall we:

“You can’t seem to get an ex off your mind.” – PAH! Once someone is an Ex they are gone and forgotten. Because as we all know I am an emotionless machine and don’t do regret, romance or shopping.

“Try or you will miss out on the current compatible faces vying for your attention.”

Listen bucko, I don’t have to try because it is done. And where are these “compatible faces”? I see them not. And where is all this “Vying” for my attention going on? Certainly not anywhere I have been recently.

“Travel brings fun and an offer of a new life” – These are my stars for TODAY right? The only travelling I am doing is commuting and that was hardly fun (apart from that stunning girl on the escalator at Angel tube who I played “looking to see if they are looking” with) and certainly will not be offering me any hint of a new life. Unless I decide to be a tube train driver…

Mind you, my next foreign trip coming up is to Amsterdam so maybe I will get stoned and decide to stay there and like, you know, chill dude…..

Nah probably not.

Robert Rankin first noticed this weird fact.

Where the hell does all the chicken come from?

Think about it -

Go into your local supermarket and count all the whole chikens, chicken breasts, drumsticks, quarters and various breaded and battered bits.

Bloody hundreds of them right?

And then ponder the amount of supermarkets in the country.

Each one of them is also full of the above mentioned chicken bits.....

Then think about the amount of supermarkets their are in THE WORLD.

Also think of all the fast food joints that do Chicken whatevers...

And all of these places have loads of chicken EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And what about the Eggs!

Same thing, in all the supermarkets, cafes and shops....loads of eggs.

Where do they come from. Well chickens obviously but most of them seem to have been slaughtered and laying around in the worlds supermarkets, shops and fast food joints.

So where are all these chickens bred?

Where are the vast herds of chickens sweeping majestically from horizon to horizon that there must be somewhere to provide all the dead bits in our shops every day?

Think of this.

The sea is immense. Yet this vast area can't provide enough tuna to meet demand. We are fishing the Tuna to extinction, and lets not start on the Cod! The surface of the earth is small yet we have enough chicken for all. There should be a vast continent somewhere just covered in chickens!

But there isn't.

And that is odd.

Just went for a calm down cigarette break and a little wander around and saw a couple walking along with a young toddler waddling along behind them.

This toddler did something that Sarah used to do at that age – every single manhole cover that the little kid saw in the pavement HAD to be walked on.

Sarah used to do this too when she was young, even on our first trip to Cyprus – there was a large square inspection cover on a little raised concrete block that was just to the side of the path to our apartment door. Every day when we went out or came back Sarah just had to jump the small gap from the path to the cover, walk over it and jump back onto the path.

I have noticed that other little kids will do this sort of thing as well.

Have they all got some sort of OCD about it?

Odd.

Since I have been back, a number of you starstruck deluded individuals have very kindly commented that you missed me. Aww shucks… Now a few of you also said “It has been quiet on blog without you/ you three around” No it hasn’t. I have noticed that hardly any of you have been blogging as much as you used to. So it is not my fault. I don’t know what is going on but maybe it is just that those of us who have been on here for a few years just run out of steam. Maybe the novelty wears off…. Anyway, I will accept no responsibility for anybody thinking blog is getting dull. It is most assuredly not my fault. So bloody there! And in other news, Is there anything sadder than sitting at your desk all tanned up and looking sadly at the new wallpaper pic on your mobile showing the sunset beach in the resort you just spent two weeks at. Meh.

So after nesting and blogging in bed, I set up a nest in the garden.

This consisted of my hammock, a table to support my ash tray and cigarettes and my glass of wine plus the big book I was wading through.

The sun was out and it was good.

After a break for a delicious soup of beans and spicy Spanish sausage with tiger bread cooked by QM, said lovely lady and ships went off to do other things and I went back to my hammock.

I sat down and swivelled my self horizontal.....

I wondered why the wooden bar at the top of the ropes was under my head...that must mean that I am too far up the bed no?.....

And then the entire thing tipped up and dumped me on my back, where I lay laughing like a loon at my stupidity with the hammock erect between my legs like a the sail of the Chocolate Starfish.

And laying there under the garden table, looking at me with a cool expression of total disdain on his face that just said "You utter twat" was Tolly - aka Shipscat 1.

And he was no help at all...the little bastard.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Blogging I mean.

Lazing in bed after a hard morning of.....lazing in bed, eating breakfast in bed, drinking coffee in bed and trying to re start a very heavy book on early Christian history. Am now nesting with lappit and listening to planet rock.

And as the sun is over the yard arm I have in my company a small drinkette.

May go and sun bath in the garden later as it looks like being a nice day.

Hope your all having a good one.

Now to catch up on blog and muck about on the net.

Or something like that.

Hope you are having as nice and relaxed a time as I am having here in this nice comfy bed.

Not that I mean I hope you are in this bed...I mean not...like...oh you know what I mean.

Have a good one.

xxx

Hi there blog.

Yes, I find myself in that condition known as "back".

Actually got back to the ranch in the early afternoon but the day has been filled with emptying suitcases, putting stuff away, getting some much needed sleep after an early start (and smothering myself in moisturiser beforehand to preserve the hard won tan) and then re-acquainting my fingertips with my guitar.

So now, Ibiza....

I always had a mental image in my mind when that islands name was mentioned.

Basically of drunk twenty something males who would be shot through the head if they ever should appear on my doorstep to pick up my daughter, rampaging around neon lit streets shouting charming catchphrases like

"OI! OI! SAVELOY!"

"LET'S 'AVE IT!"

"WE'RE AVIN' IT LAAAARGE!"

And females in body paint and not much else moaning about how no one ever sees them as a person and just thinks of them as a pair of tits on legs as they gracefully throw up into their friends handbag.

Even though Ships and QM told me that they have had good family holidays there, that image still was at the front of my mind.

So there we were in Santa Lualia.

And it was good. Very nice restaurants, a fantastic pool at a very nice hotel which was a reasonable distance from the harbour and a marina FULL of very expensive yachts. Not too far from other nice family friendly beaches by either boat or bus. Also not too far from Ibiza town, which is just like any other sort of Mediterranean city - the old town is full of good places to eat and drink or shop, the modern town around it is just that, a modern town. Just bloody hot.

And we did see the beaches where the club goers sleep off the night and catch the sun...and yep, at night we saw in the San Antonio strip area some body painted well refreshed females staggering around and groups of charming young lads with chins shiny from KFC fat and grinning stupidly.... well every one has there own idea of fun I suppose.

Thank god we were not staying there.

But the main thing is that we all had a good time, good food and good fun.

I may now upload a few picachumurrrrs.

Temperature is already up in the high thirties at the moment (lowest it has been is thirty two) and now a heat wave is predicted.

Temps could reach the high forties.

Oh well.

will have to spend more time in the pool making like a hippo with only my nostrils and eyes showing above the surface.

Bugger me it is a hard life.

Tan status - Good to vair brown. (Shut it row!)

Resort status (Santa lualia or however it is spelt) nice! pretty harbour and shedloads of big yachts. We have found restaurant street and the eating is good!

Anyway, this is being done from the hotel where internet is vair expensive.

off for my shower then we go eat. Sarah is having a great time, which is the main thing.

See ya!