Area 136

Work is over for another year.

If you hear from me on here again I will be at Rancho collapso.

And if you hear from me after 8pm I will be at some stage of the process known as drunk.

If you hear from me after midnight, ignore me.......

Have a good one everybody!

Natures cure for tiredness!

Just got back from a trip out to get a little tri-pod thing for my camera. As I am returning down Tottenham Court Road a twenty something “Street Dweller” with a sallow face spots that I am smoking a cigarette and homes in on me.

I see him coming and note the crumpled £5 in his hand.

“here we go” says my brain.

“Aay man, gimme a ciggie for a fiver…”

Five pounds for one ciggie you say! Why not?

Well why not was the way he forcibly shouldered me towards the big glass window of Boots in an attempt to pin me there. I don’t react kindly to that sort of shit.

So I pushed him back and bade him a hearty “FUCK OFF!”

He tries again while saying “Wayya meeen fuck off! I tryin to give you a five for one cigarette man”

“You are giving me shit so FUCK OFF!” and I shoulder him back away.

We are now about four feet apart and he does the arms out slightly to the sides stance and says

“Waya gonna fuckin’ do eh!”

I step towards him

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!? When did I grow testicles? Has my yellow streak washed off?

“FUCK. YOU!”

I am just so eloquent when in mid discussion no?

“Ah fuck you ya bitch mumble mumble” Spits at me, misses totally and wanders off.

Life in London during the season of goodwill.

You can’t beat it.

The New Year approaches on rocket powered roller-skates, full of possibilities and god knows what else.

Like many others I will be up till it arrives and for a while thereafter, making merry and not arguing with anyone. Even those of us whose new year starts at the Solstice will be welcoming in another page of the calendar.

And then at some point on January the first we will get our fist proper look at it. When we wake up there it will be, 2009 – sitting on the end of the bed and staring at us with an evil glint in its eye as if to say.

“Will I be good, or will I be bad……who knows?”

Then the bastard will start laughing at us.

Take and add all the following exhibits:

A+B

then add items C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, .....Ah fuck it - this lot -

Then add items...erm....the next two...

Stick one of these items on top, and consume the other item. Be very careful not to get this wrong or the equation will go tits up all fast like....

Finally add this.

And see if you can guess what I am dressing up as tomorrow night.

At new year.

Again.

Lack of imagination....I Haz it!

Mind you, I won't be alone and you should see Sarahs outfit.

Find tractors and farm vehicles "Iconic"?

And if you do, feel free to remove yourself from my friends list or keep VERY quiet about it.

It is that weird time of year, sat between the wishing of a happy possible maybe but we are not sure exactly when or who you were baby Jeebus, and the new it really will be better this time but possibly a load more of the same old shit year - when all the new magazines come out for "collectors" and "Enthusiasts"

One of them is (no word of a lie) about "Classic" tractors.

Yep, those buggers you get stuck behind in a winding country road for hours on end.

Apparently they are Iconic......

God this time of the year is odd.

At least I can see the point in the one about tanks......because I am a bloke I suppose.

I am going to get my hair cut, then I am going home.

It is amazing, after over twenty years of not going into a barbers I now have to go about every two weeks...

Well it is something to do.

If I am lucky (and I doubt if I could be lucky three visits in a row) the hot Mediteranian style Milf will be in there again and "do" me.

Oh if only.............

Bloody Google mail I mean.

I am assuming it is because I am at work, but I am getting sick of seeing "...and we're back!" followed shortly by "Unable to connect to google. It must be something you have done you damn jinx!" or whatever the message is.

Luv technology me...........

God it is dragging today.

It has got so bad that I am sitting hitting the “Random Article” button on Wikipedia and seeing what comes up.

I am so bored I may be forced to read a list of every Roman emperor in a minute.

And by “in a minute” I mean “next” not “in under a minute” as some kind of bizarre boredom killing game.

Looks like the working year is going to end with a bored and resigned whimper rather than a bang, which is good I suppose.

And I would just like to point out that I will not be reviewing my past year this year, because I don’t want to, even though I had a lot of good times and trips away with friends…I just don’t feel like going back over all the other stuff and being as honest as you would have to be.

I has one!

Just been for a quick trot down to Smiths to get a ’09 pocket diary (an indispensable item for the single parent) and on the way back I had a ciggie.

It is so cold out there that my right hand is now stinging and red! And that was from a few minutes exposure. Surely something is not right! What of this global warming that I have heard so much about? I was under the impression that we had said goodbye to truly cold winters a couple of years ago.

It is so cold out there that even the Krishnas are affected – as I came back I heard the unmistakable sound of one of their number doing the early morning round of Oxford street, tinging his little cymbals and singing his song through the small PA speaker strapped to his back. Unlike other times he was not accompanied by even one fellow believer doing the dance of joy in a sari – oh no, he was all on his lonesome. The rest of them must have decided that their faith was strong enough to sustain them without having to prove it by public dancing, but not strong enough to prevent bits of them dropping off in the cold.

In other news, it is the penultimate day of the year….

I am making no resolutions at all, because I like my vices too much and have enough to feel guilty about already.

Standing outside Mollys having a smoke and trying to look sexy mean and moody (Stop fucking laughing! I can try can’t I?) A woman came up and asked me directions to someplace.

I faffed around for a bit because I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I knew where she wanted to go, but the information would not come to the forefront of my noggin.

So I made apologetic noises and she went off on her way.

And then it happened. After she was out of site…BINGO! I knew EXACTLY where she wanted to go and how to get there from where I was standing. Sodding typical. I knew I knew where the place she was talking about was, and when my brain un clenched it all fell into place. I bloody should have known where it was, there is a great Chinese restaurant there called “The Hare and Tortoise”.

The thing is that I started to feel guilty about not giving her this information when she asked, as she was obviously anxious to get there.

Oh well, can’t help everybody can you.

There are not many people here at Weird Inc today, due mainly to the time of year one would imagine.

And a few of those that are in have got a kid with them! Oh for fucks sake people!

If you can’t get childcare take annual leave and look after your kids at home please.

Thankfully when I say kids they are not actually babies but 8 to 12 year olds and there are only about three of them about, and as this is a big floor they are not actually “in my face” and they better bloody well not be either.

Why do people think it is a good idea to bring them in here? What are they doing – giving them a taste of the mind crushing tedium that will be there lot in adult life if they are lucky enough to find a job?

Are they trying to make them understand why mummy/daddy is on pills/booze/aroma therapy or is such a miserable exhausted shell when they come home at the end of a day of work?

Maybe.

I honestly don’t care – I am just trying to find things to write about to stop myself being bored.

Just back from a quick ciggie break/trip into the soon to be gone Zavi CD store. While I did the high speed browsing thing I noticed what was being played over the in store PA system.

A song from the genre they laughingly call “R&B” but should really be called “Urban” in which the chorus was

“You’re so gay, but you don’t even like boys.
But you don’t even like,
But you don’t even like,
But you don’t even like Boys”

Eh?

Can she sing that?

Should there not be various legions of people complaining about it from every possible angle?

I want to complain about the lack of complaining.

Although there is nothing to do.

Yep, I struggled in this morning for no bloody reason other than saving my annual leave up and the trip that takes about an hour took over two, due to someone dying under a train at Stratford.

So I had to get creative and come in via a very odd route.

But at least I am here and can spend the day catching up on blogs and such.

Didn't have much inclination to blog over the holiday period as I was stuffed with food and booze and not feeling very talkative.

And one of my favourite bloggers has deleted their blog and profile. Which is a real pisser. Come back soon Run-don't-Walk/meno.
x

I suppose it is the time of year for that sort of thing.

Anyway, time for coffee.

All families have them, they are the little things you always do at Christmas.

The argument over the game of Monopoly that you know you are going to have but secretly look forward to. The trip to midnight mass if you are religious. Grandads rather off colour recollections about his time in the navy after a few glasses of rum. The wearing of all the naff clothes you got and then all going down the pub to laugh at everyone else in the same sort of stuff.

Well for the past couple of years I have been establishing (without even noticing really) a new Xmas tradition, seeing as Jo and I are not together any more.

At some point over the Xmas period, QueeneMab and I take our daughters ice skating, normally at the tower of london. Sarah loves spending time with Moff, and Moff is very patient with Sarah clinging on to her as they glide slowly round the ice.

QM and I stand and take piccies and drink coffee laced with brandy and offer encouragement and take photos.

We have done it for the past two years I think, this year was the coldest yet but still great fun.

Hope you have some celebration left in you for your birthday.

Hope you have a great day.

Never use cheap toilet paper when you are growing your fingernails long to experiment with finger style guitar playing.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRG!

It will be hard.

No not being slightly drunked, because that is what I am....and stuffed with goose and spuds and veggies and stuffing and champers and wine and brandy and.........erm, that vodka martini over there.

Not getting covered in glitter will be a bit hard as QueeneMab is falling asleep against me as I type and she is in a black dress with a glittery pattern on it.

Which is actually bloody well shedding glitter you daft woman!

If I am wearing something new and black I would prefer it to stay that way, sans the added glitter.

Mind you most of my black stuff is so old it is now dark grey.

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany way.

I has a partial drunk.

And I wanted to shag the fake doctors assistant.

And top gear driving across america never stops being funny.

And now I want a ciggie.

Hic.

QueenMab has just said - "I want a pig in a pink harness"

I hope it was in reaction to something she just saw on the telly.........

May I present, from the excellent publication "Pets with Tourettes", one of the least offensive pictures....

Soy should enjoy that one.........

At Rancho Collapso having a brandy to settle my stomach, may have been something I ate.

Ahem.

Sarah went off a while back with her mum after opening more prezzies, and is now at her aunties.

I am sat here relaxing waiting for QueeneMab to serve her home made fish soup (oh nom nom)

And later we go down the road for Goose.

It is all on track now.

Nothing can wake you up quicker than an over excited 8 year old...

Urgh.

To say the least.

A full stop is overdue.

Goodnight blog world.

Not feeling too bad actually.

Possibly because Jo is out at midnight mass so there is just Sarah and me in the house.

Sarah is asleep upstairs and I am in the music room drinking rum and listening to delta blues.

Not too bad so far.

Might go to bed in about an hour.

See if I can sleep.

Then get woken up by an over excited 8 year old at god knows what o'clock to watch her open her prezzies.

I have done my duty and eaten Santas mince pie, leaving strategically placed crumbs and have made my way through a good bit of the carrots left for the Reindeer and tipped away the water left for them and replaced the bowl in front of the fire place.

Well you have to make the effort no?

Anyway.

Merry wossname.

Only 12 months and we get to do this all again. Well, more like 8 months till the shops start stocking xmas stuff agian.

buggers.

This is just to cover up how deeply grumpy and pissed off I am right!

Well Sarah has left the little bowl of water and some sliced carrots for the Reindeer by the fire place, and a mince pie and drink for Santa as well. We have been checking his progress on google earth to see how far off he is, and she is now in an excited un sleeping heap in the bed upstairs.

I am in the music room listening to planet rock, with a few candles burning for atmosphere (they make the guitars cast cool shadows on the wall) and sipping on some havana club rum.

It is almost upon us, so have a nice xmas song on me.

On a floor that can hold 200 plus people I can see.....

(counts)

Two other people, and one of them sitting oposite me is going to leave soon, and the other is way over there washing there cup up in the kitchen area so they are obviously off soon.

Oh and the guy from the front desk walking around checking if he can turn the lights off yet.

Tosser, if I am not going yet neither are you!

So vair soon I will be off to Jerrys in Soho to pick up a bottle of Morgans spiced rum to ease the passage of the evening and then eff off to the house.

I will be on line later, you can bet that.

Because I will probably need to be.

On the plus side I have nicely told a troll never to comment on my blog again. We will see if that works.

I commited another raid on Shipscooks CD's last night and digitally stuffed the booty onto my I-Pod.

So far this morning I have heard the Sea Hags one and only (as far as I know) album, and am now listening to "South of Heaven" by Slayer.

None more Christmassy.

Whenever it is, I won't be exactly rushing anywhere.

Ah the plight of the xmas eve office worker eh?

I just had - for no good reason - two songs collide in my head

The first was that old seasonal chestnut (I wish it could be) Christmas Everyday by Roy Wood, the other Sick of Drugs by the Wildhearts.

And my brain produced -

"Sick of everyday Christmas Drugs?"

Then "Frosty the Snowman" collided with "Die you Bastard" by Motorhead with predictable results........

Can you come up with anymore?

Because frankly I can't be bothered.....

This Christmas Eve will find some of us busily finalising arrangements, feeling excited, feeling tired but hopeful.

Some of us will be full of excitement and the prospect of new romantic territory to be explored.

Some of us will be full of dread.

Some of us will be hiding or running away, wishing it was all over.

Some of us will be worrying about loved ones, some about ourselves.

Others will be excitedly awaiting the arrival of special people, some of us just missing people.

We will all be feeling something one way or another.

And on the “big day” some of us will be drunk, stuffed full of food.

And some of us will be stone cold sober and hungry.

We will all experience Christmas in our own way, in our own little world.

I hope in your little world all is good.

X

The small young frightened figure stood huddled in the doorway holding itself in fear, in front of them at the table a large man was sat with his back to the small person, unaware of his presence. The bigger figure had a bottle of half drunk whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other, his head swaying backward and forward a few inches above the table as he raved.

"Nothing! no one out there in this stinking world deserves ANYTHING! Season of good will? Fuck off! they are all scum, people neglecting their kids but not neglecting to have a massive fucking telly! Eating shit food and swilling beer and smacking the little sods all over the place. Shouting and screaming at each other in the streets just because they cut each other up all the while wearing fucking stupid santa hats, giving to charity just because they feel bad about a year of being selfish and grasping. Cunts! every single one of them. And the behaviour in the shops! What the fuck do they think they are doing - like they are expecting the fucking end of the world or a famine or something. The sooner some big fucking rock smashes this planet to dust the better it will be! I am SICK of all of them"

By now the small figure had drawn near, and placed a hand gently on the old mans arm.

"You know, you will feel better tomorrow - you do every year. Go to bed Santa, please."

The old man turned his bearded head around and looked at him with sad bloodshot eyes. And smiled slowly.

"Ah, you ...heh. This is the one time of year that your Elf looks after you."

Google seems to have been welcomed back with open arms by my work PC - thank God.

And between this and my last post I discovered that a part of a very important database I am in charge of updating had vanished.

Oh bugger.

Much rummaging around in the innards of the system ensued and the net result was "Fuckit!"

But a call to the bloke who designed the Database got it sorted and all is now well.

Sometimes I think asking me to manage this database is like asking someone with no arms to fly a Jumbo jet.....

Ah well.

All is sorted now.

I know that Weird Inc is taking steps to provent us drones from using social "notworking" sites while at work.

Facebook and Youtube have been blocked already.

Thankfully I can still get on here.

But since this morning I have been unable to access my googlemail account. I am hoping this has something to do with the virus protection on this pc because it was banging on about a Trojan horse programme.

But everytime I click onto googlemail my pc says it has encountered a problem and has to close the connection.

So if I don't respond to emails or comments this will be why, unless the problem clears up later.

But if Weird Inc are blocking Googlemail........

I will be a leeeeeeetle fucked.

If you cast your Xmas befuddled brain back a ways my dear 0.5 of a reader, you may recall me mentioning the Smoking Step.

Similar to a Naughty Step, it was one of my favourite places to stand outside Weird Inc whilst having a cigarette.

It was only a small bit of kerb in the recessed Vehicle entry doors that were unused as we use the other vehicle doors most of the time, but it was sheltered from all but the heaviest of rains and I spent many a happy ciggie break there.

Now the disused Vehicle Entry gates are the new reception and main entry. During their conversion from two big red roller shutter doors to two big shiny walls of glass the area was hidden behind a hoarding and much drilling and banging and tuneless builder style whistling could be heard.

I feared greatly for my little Smoking Step, I really did.

This week the new frontage was unveiled, and there in the corner – unharmed – was my smoking step!

True, rather than standing with my back to a big shutter door I am now giving the receptionist a view of my arse, but I don’t care.

My little perch is back and I have been using it today with a silly grin on my face.

In other news, shops here in “the London” are still cutting prices but as all my shopping is done (as far as I know) I may just have to take a little wander down Denmark Street.

Which is where all the guitar shops are……….

Rampage=

Helpful.

Oirish.

Top bloke.

Bad loser.

Have a great day fella.

I am listening to planet Rock at work via the pc again, listening to "Riders on the storm" by The Doors.

What is "An actor out on loan"? do you loan actors out? never heard that phrase anywhere except in this song. What the hell was Mr Morrison on. Oh right, almost everything.....

And one of the adverts they are running warns that if you get arrested for drink driving this Christmas you will be arrested and processed as a common criminal. Giving the impression that there are laws in this country you can break and not be a common criminal. Excuse me, I thought that breaking the law did just make you a "common criminal" - that is what breaking the law is no?

And during this advert you hear the sound of a police officer instructing the prisoner to perform various tasks as he is searched at the desk prior to being taken to the cells, one such instruction is.

"Remove your shoes one at a time please sir, and lift your feet one at a time"...........EH?

How else can someone standing up show you their feet you dickhead! if he lifts them up together he will fall over!

Maybe I am just a bit too picky.

Or mental.

Or bored.

meh.

Sorry that I have not been in touch over the weekend, but Moff still has no internet connection in her flat and I didn't fancy carting lappit about Edinburgh on our pub crawl cultural weekend.

I think I may have made a tactical error later on on Friday night when I decided that absinthe was the perfect chaser for Adlestones Cider.....a mistake lifestyle choice I repeated for about three of the five pints. Any way we were all tucked up in bed by 4am, and yes I am sorry to say I was very very drunk.

So drunk I don't remember the chips shop, but I do remember the curry house.

Saturday I woke with no hangover at all! mainly due to still being horribly drunk. Shipscook provided one of his fantastic cooked breakfasts and after a little laying on the floor going urg from me, we all went out to the frost fair.

I have a silly Russian style woolly have that I purchased for myself, I got Moff her xmas prezzies and we met her friend B who is still basically a Viking and we all had lots of good hot Gluhwine. Oh nommy.

Also got something for my mythical flat - a Rock salt Lamp, which is basically a big lump of stripey amber coloured rock salt with a bulb inside it. Mrs F got it for me as she believes that doing things like this will actually help the flat become real. I hope it works.

This morning I woke up feeling rather drained and, well shite basically.

I am now on the train heading home, and there just may be a few silly piccies about later.

Hope you are all well.

And Mrs F has just been taking photos of the Cathedral.... again, because when we go through durham she always takes a photo of the Cathedral. Because they CHANGE or summink.

Before this she was threatening to kill me if I did not stop swearing at my laptop, and trying to drug me with shipscooks hypertension meds....Well for some reason my lappy decided to get rid of its anti virus protection and refused to let me update it because that would have been TOO FUCKING EASY WOULDN'T IT YOU FUCKFACE CUNT OF A COMPUTER....what, whaddaya mean everyone is looking at me?

Best have some wine then....

I am the model travelling companion.

If Dr Johnston had gone around the country with me he would have got bugger all done what with having to calm me down and stop me punching inanimate objects...

And in other recent news - There is no fog on the Tyne, because I am looking at it right now.

Well I am not well ya see.

Eh? Oh right, sorry - thought that would be enough of an explanation.

No well this cold thing whatever it is is giving me aches and a dodgy gut and so I had to go and use the toilets in St Pancras station, well they are actually kept clean which is why we were in St Pancras and not over the road at Kings Cross.

So I am sitting on the throne, and these toilets have the same sort of air/vacuum flush thing they have on airplanes....and motion sensor flushes.....

So I am sitting there letting it all hang out, or fall out, or whatever and WHOOSH! off goes the flush!

Having heard the urban myth about the woman who had her insides sucked out by a plane toilet because her rear end had made an airtight seal around the seat I was glad my arse is too skinny to do an airtight job, as the high pressure air exchange caused the wind to whistle by my butt cheeks....

Nightmare visions of my meat and two veg being dragged off of my body not materialising, I finished the job and got the hell out of dodge.

Mind you, a bit of vacuum therapy may have made the old fella a bit bigger......

Yep, that is where I am as I type this, somewhere outside London on a train bound for Edinburgh.

Yes, my first ever post from a train! I bet your impressed!

No?

Oh well.

As we left London our train was running along with the sunrise on one side and the moon shining brightly on the other...

Only four or so hours to go. Don't expect too many updates as the connection on this train is very slow.

We also are avoiding the horrors of railway food by bringing with us a couple of bags of M&S goodies so we are completely drought and famine resistant.

Speaking of M&S, I saw that Devla Kerwan is to be the xmas Dr Who baddie, and there will be Cybermen! Goody!

"These aren't just Cybermen, theses Cybermen have been up my C*nt" to paraphrase the true meaning of those voice overs she used to do.........

She came down the short wide flight of stairs just inside the ever open doors of “Sunset Strip” holding her feathery flimsy wrap tight around her shoulders. She looked cold. Maybe if she had been wearing more than a lace trimmed black bra and knickers, a suspender belt and black stockings she would have been warmer. Well it must be a tough job.

But I couldn’t help noticing as I passed, that she had some small holes ripped in the top of those stockings – I wonder if she can claim the outfit as work wear and get some kind of tax deduction?

So I move on down Dean Street through the drizzle that is working hard to be upgraded to snow and try to find a newsagent that stocks “Classic Rock” magazine.
It is cold, no wonder the dark haired girl in too few clothes looked chilly.

I find a copy of the magazine in a newsagents on Old Compton Street that has far too many magazines in it, pay up and head for Mollys. Jay from Tasmania is behind the bar and pours my drink without asking me what I want. Cocky fucker.

Mollys is thankfully empty apart from us, and after a few words of empty banter I sit in a window seat and start to read. I keep my headphones out as for once the music is not as awful as normal. Some sort of ambient jazz shit that I can put up with.

A little while later when a few more people have come in I overhear a guy at the bar and Jay talking to a woman who is ordering drinks…

Jay “you look a little less stressed than when you came in”

Woman “Well I just spent the morning in a meeting of the Engineering and technical committee of (blah blah blah) with a load of the countries top engineers”

Jay “and there we were” indicates man at bar “saying how there are no good engineers left in the country”

Woman “Oh the one I am drinking with is brilliant, he is a lighting engineer”

At this point I refrain from saying over my shoulder “Oh he can change a fucking light bulb without help, you’re an easy lay if you are impressed by that” but didn’t. I didn’t need to – man at the bar was twat enough for us both.

“Oh I’m an actor and you really need a good lighting engineer on set”

Yeah, this guy was an actor the way I am a rock star – in his own deluded mind.

So I finish my reading and drinking and head out onto the street. I decide to have a look in the barbers round the corner as my head needs another “No 1” before my trip to Edinburgh tomorrow.

To my delight I see that the hot curvy Mediterranean style milf who cut my hair last time is working today, but to my dismay I see they are full of customers and I have to get back to work. I will pop back later.

For some reason Old Compton Street and Greek Street smell of Turkey and Stuffing. I walk along trying to figure out if I am having a neurological episode or if it is really too fucking close to Christmas for comfort.

Sky have apparently announced that it has been experimenting with 3-D television broad casts.

Oh really.

Apparently it would not be too hard to do, via a special set top box and the wearing of special polarised three D goggles.

So no one has to look like a tit then? Good.

They say it is not a product launch, they are just showing that it could be possible to do via a Sky+HD set top box without much difficulty.

Well be still my beating heart. This is Sky we are talking about so I knew what the next bit was going to be.

Guess what wonderfully exciting stuff they showed specially filmed 3-D clips from during a demonstration?

A Ricky Hatton boxing match, a rugby union international and an episode of Gladiators.

Oh for fucks sake!

No sweeping majestically under an ice field with sleek seals and penguins? No daring do as we plunge off the top of Victoria Falls with nothing but a parachute held in our shaking hands? No panoramic view of the wonders of a lost jungle choked city?

No. People hitting each other, people running into each other and muscle bound health freaks trying to prove how hard they are.

If I want to see that in 3-D I can go down the pub!

I feel you deserve a right good piss up on your birthday old chap.

So have a virtual glass of fizz to start your day off.

And I hope you get some guitar related goodies to wail away with. And if you do let me know so we can bore everybody with Guitar gadget talk.

Have a great day fella!

On the tv news this morning I was amazed to see that a burger company in (no! reeelly! what a suprise) America have produced a fragrance for men called.

"Flame"

No, it does not make you smell like Noddy Holder in a glowing white suit (anyone under 35 can ignore that last comment) but it will make you smell nice...with a hint of meat.

WTF!

Mind you I may get some......

It would weed out all the damn vegamatarian women I suppose.

I am using some wrapping paper that has a grid printed on the reverse side and little pictures of scissors

"You will cut here and all your lines will be neat and straight" the frankly OCD wrapping paper seems to say.

"No I bloody won't - I'm a bloke! I will hack away with the scissors until I have a vague rhombus of paper and swear alot as I try to wrap a very square present up in it. Like I always do. Every year" Says I.

I will not be dictated to by mere wrapping paper.

Bah!

OK, which one of you bastards got me in lynns Secret Santa thing then eh!?

And why the hell have you not done the assasination of character thingey yet!

How long does it take to do a post consisting of the words.

"Utter Knobber"

They go to weird inc.

Well one of them does.

It is winter right?

It is, if I am not mistaken, the time of year when it gets cold and all the buzzy buggers die off right?

SO - why is there a great big Bluebottle buzzing around on the first floor of weird inc?

Logically the train of thought goes thus -

Blue bottle comes from maggot.

Maggot comes from egg.

Egg normally laid on dead animal or fresh poo.

Somewhere in the office is an undiscoverd dead animal or some poo, either of which is in an as yet undiscovered location.

Health and Safety at work?

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean.

When I saw that I had Milly as my secret Santa I thought, “Ah – someone who is on my friends list.”

But I was surprised to find Milly was not there! So why did I think she was? Well Milly has commented on my blog, I have read a bit of hers and she is on the friends lists of some of my friends.

So why is she not on my friends list? No idea really.

I mean looking at her blog it seems similar to mine and many other peoples blogs on here – full of general tales of the days events and thoughts and musings. I like the way blog is like having loads of people all over the country saying “Oh God you will never believe what happened to me last night” over a cup of virtual coffee.

Anyway, reading Millys blog I have discovered that –

She seems to like a good innuendo. (I like slipping one in now and again myself)

Has had the normal lack of luck with the Xmas shopping. (I bloody hate it!)

Takes a close interest in auto mechanics arses. (Nah, well only if they are female)

Knows how to deal with real world stalkers. (Not had that problem)

She is a Smoker. (YAY! Meet me outside for a ciggie!)

She is allergic to face paint. (I have never used full face paint, eyeliner is fine)

She cannot text as fast as her daughter. (Who can text as fast as a young ‘un!)

She will - quite bloody rightly - knee rude and obnoxious blokes in the bollocks if they push it. (Well done that woman!)

She has considered having a boob job. (so have I, it would give me something else to do with my hands)

She took part in blog action day. (erm….I didn’t.)

She is scared of Thunder. (Not sure about that band myself)

She thinks her family are dysfunctional but fun. (my family are just dysfunctional)

She got stuck in some clothing in a shop. (I have got stuck in someone elses clothing, but not in a shop)

And has had to deal with the loss of a loved one. (X)

So why is she not on my friends list, we seem to have a lot in common… I will post this and go do the invite thing, expecting to be rebuffed in my normal pessimistic mode.

The Xmas shopping I mean, as this morning I got the last item (an SD memory card) and can now just forget about it.

I thought I had finished yesterday when I got Ships’ Xmas present – I finally saw something I know he will like. Ships always turns out to be the last person I buy for as he has a birthday in December so getting his Birthday prezzie takes priority, then I remember I still need to get a present for xmas. Difficult sod having a birthday at this time of year.

Oh hang on, I speak too soon!

I have just remembered that I promised to get Moff her Xmas present this coming weekend at the Frost Fare in Edinburgh. Dammit! Will this shopping nightmare never bloody end!

Anyway, as you can tell I am sat once again at my desk not doing a lot and listening to Planet Rock via the pc……Time for another coffee. Just think, if I keep up these dull posts I may cause whoever is doing my secret Santa thing to slip into a coma.

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : - Yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? : - yes
Danced in front of your mirror? : - Yes
Told a lie? : - Yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met?: - Yes
Been in a fist fight? : - Yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : - YES
Been arrested? : - No
Left your house without telling your parents? : - No
Ditched school to do something more fun? : - Yes
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : - Yes
Seen someone die? : - No
Kissed a picture? : - Yes
Slept in until 3? : - Yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : - Yes
Played dress up? : - Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? : - Yes
Felt an earthquake? : - Yes
Touched a snake? : - No
Ran a red light? : - Yes
Had detention? : - No
Been in a car accident? : - Yes
Pole danced? : - No
Been lost? : - Yes
Sang karaoke? : - No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : - Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : - Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : - Yes
Kissed in the rain? : - Yes
Sang in the shower? : - Yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : - No
Ever gone to school partially naked? : No
Sat on a roof top? : - No
Played chicken? : - No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : - No
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : - Yes
Broken a bone? : - Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? : - Yes
Forgotten someone's name? : - Yes
Slept naked? : - Yes
Blacked out from drinking? : - Yes
Played a prank on someone? : - Yes
Felt like killing someone? : - ..Yes
Made a parent cry? : - No
Cried over someone? : - YES
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : - Yes
Had/Have a dog? : - Yes
Been in a band? : - Yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? : - No
Shot a gun? : - No

Hey, immitation is the wossnamest form of thingey.....

Or something.

This new year....or not.

Well it seems that Sarah has said she would like to spend New Year with me at Rancho Collapso.

And Ships and Queene Mab have said we may have to dress up again and revisit our pirate personas...

Or dress up as Romans.

Hmmm. I have nothing remotley roman to put on.

Anyway, that means that I could be drunk in charge of eyeliner again this new year......

oh dear.

I hate it.

Honest.....

It’s funny the things that come into your head when you are out in the cold with your brain in neutral having a cigarette. I was looking at the music shop window over the road and remembered something I said to a girlfriend once years ago, and thought I would pass on this little tip.

Never ever put your current relationship into a time frame in conversation, no matter how jokey you are being.

Example?

Many moons ago I was sat in a rock club with the then love of my life, chatting about the band I had just joined and spouting nonsense. I then made the huge tactical error of saying “And just think, when I am famous you will be able to tell all your friends you used to go out with me”

What a twat! The look I got. It took a serious amount of backpedalling and crawling to get out of that one I can tell you.

But it can work both ways. For example (and I have not done this one) if you say something like “When we are both sat on the seafront near our retirement cottage with little blankets wrapped round our legs we will look back on this and laugh”
Because she will be thinking “Hang on! This relationship is just a bit of fun, and I was just going to see where it went and enjoy it. But now he is planning our future!”

And Whoosh! That spot on the horizon will be the rapidly diminishing form of your latest love interest breaking all known land speed records in an attempt to get as far away from you as possible.

You can’t actually win, so never ever mention that sort of thing ever.

This post was brought to you by me procrastinating over writing my secret Santa post.

I have known ships for about....erm......ah....20 years ish?

I dunno.

Anyway, he is a very nice bloke, a wunnerful cook and very tolerant of friends in need.....ahem.

And I am sorry that you are spending the day at Weird inc, but trust me - it is dead quiet up here so you should be able to get buy not doing much.

But unfortunately the camera man was giving us a shot of a bowl of Cranberries and not the beauties we had in mind...

But we did get a quick grating shot....wiggle wiggle, jiggle jiggle.....

God I love Nigella Lawsons cookery shows....

Nom nom nom baby!

I do NOT have 20 new friends only posts to read, it's YOU letting someone new on your friends list see what you have been writing!

Please stop - if they were not on your friends list then - fuck 'em, they should have signed up earlier........

Grrrr and bah humbug and such.

Last week many of us here at Weird Inc were commenting on how deserted the streets of jolly old Lahndahn Taahn were, considering it is the festering season and shopping would normally be at full throttle up here. OK, yeah there are always a lot of people up here, but it just seemed that no one was actually doing any Xmas shopping. Everyone seemed to be holding off, waiting and waiting…..

Having just been out there at lunch time, I can safely say that it appears people have cracked, stopped holding on for bargains and are now out there going for it big style.

The streets are rammed to an extent not seen so far, but it may just be everyone has looked at their calendars and gone “Oh fuckit! It is nearly here!” and come running into London to get the panicky prezzies.

Anyway, I wish they would sod off home. Some of us were trying to get back from the pub and get on with our blogging……

You have to get your priorities right at this time of year after all.

more animals

So you will have to take my word for it.

On Saturday I forsook my normal T-shirt and fatigue trouser template for clothing. Well I was off with Shipscook and QueeneMab to ships parents vast and confusingly labyrinthine house for his birthday bash.

So I wore a black shirt and black jeans. This shirt was basically “trendy” – I don’t do trendy. It had big cuffs – well they felt big to me – and horror of horrors CUFFLINKS!

Jeez I felt such a traitor….

And it cost SIXTY FUCKING QUID!

And it doesn’t even wash itself……bloody rip off if you ask me.

Hope you have a wonderful day, but due to the time difference I have no idea if your birthday has started or not..

But whatever, best wishes on your birthday.

xx

To the apple shop on Regent street. No, not to get a portion of my five a day, but to get them to look at my damn I-pod.

The latest problem is that a couple of albums sound very distorted when played back on the I-pod but sound perfectly fine when played from the I-tunes library on the laptop.

I did everything suggested on various sites – I re set the I-pod to it factory settings, loosing all the albums loaded onto it obviously, I de installed and re installed I-tunes and then imported the CD’s that were giving me problems and transferred them onto said bastard I-pod – with no change in the crap sound quality.

So off I went this morning to the shiny bright Apple store on Regent street and went up to the “I-pod bar”. Well no one told me it was appointment only but as I had got there at 9 I was given an appointment at half past.

An assistant called Al, who looked like he had just left school and was wearing a t-shirt with the slogan “Santa has elves, you’ve got me” (Hmmmm) asked me what the problem was and then had a listen. He pulled a few faces and it was obvious he didn’t think it was that bad. I found a particularly badly mangled section of music and made him listen to it. Result! He agreed it was not up to standard and ordered a new I-pod for me.

Which will probably do the same bloody thing as the last one.

At this point I would like to say thank you for all your suggestions which were all considered and mulled over, but I don’t see why I should have to use some other programme to sort out the levels of stuff when the same albums play perfectly well on my old mp3 player. Something was wrong with the I-pod – I expect things to do what they are supposed to do straight out of the box, and not with the aid of any add ons or additional programmes.

So in a couple of days I get another slim black I-pod and another chance to be driven into an apoplectic state of fury.

I am so looking forward to it.

NO! not that, I went this morning.

No I have to go buy a Euro millions lottery ticket (yes I am stupid) right now.

Well how else am I going to be able to afford that flat with the balcony overlooking the Thames on the other side of the river from the Tate modern?

Excuse me...........

Whoosh!

In the "friends media" section, is a lot of weird people in hats................

This is getting out of hand.

you won't find me doing...........oh right.

Bugger.

(Edit - Anyway, that blog header pick of me in a headscarf has been up for bloody ages, so I got there first. If a headscarf counts...)

Meh

I suspect it will be.

Because tonight is one of the most dreaded nights in a parents life at this time of year….

THE SCHOOL PLAY!

Oh Christ on a wind-up bacon slicer, I am not ready for this.

I am vair vair tired! I will not be able to stay awake….

Yes I do want to see Sarah, and just like every other parent there, once my child has been and done their stuff I will want to be out of there like a rocket. Sarahs class are doing a dance routine somewhere in the play, and it will be hard to sit there as an entire school of other peoples kids arses around for ages before she and her mates get to do their bit.

And as always the heating will be on kill, we will be sat on chairs designed for midgets with padded arses, not normal sized humans with bones in their bums, and all the nannas various “perfumes” will mix into a noxious cloud and render it almost impossible to breath.

If of course I am lucky to get somewhere to sit. They still have not worked out that they should restrict tickets to parents only first and then see if there are any left over for the cooing nans and aunties.

Fuck!

I am so not looking forward to this.

I am listening to "Bring it on Home" from Led Zeppelins second album - my favourite of theirs - and am amazed to hear in the right channel something I have not heard before.....

Some one playing the Spoons!

How odd.

It's amazing what you hear for the first time when you listen to an old track on headphones....

What next, the hidden Kazoo backing harmoney on "Ace of Spades"? the Swannee Whistle on "Smells like Teen Spirit"?

Was in the paper this morning.

A geek guy called Le Tung who lives in Canada, has built himself a robot girlfriend.

Not a clunky looking thing like a terminator with the skin off, but a rather disturbingly doll like pretty and scarily realistic looking one. I look at the pictures and get an odd feeling of being attracted but knowing something is very wrong. Probably very like the way Juzzy feels when looking at lady-boys.

This guys creation is called Aiko and “she” can do almost anything except walk and smell things. Oh reeeeely.

“Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm” claims Mr Le. Mind you he also claims he didn’t make her for sex. Uh-huh, yeah ok.

This 33 year old “inventor” says that he never had time to find a human girlfriend and so put Aiko together at a cost of £14,000.

Two things strike me here. First is the worrying use of the phrase “human girlfriend”….are all the sheep keeping clear of his house now then?

The second is that if Mr Le has spent some of that money going out and meeting people, developing his social skills and learning to interact with women rather than sitting at home with a hot soldering iron, he may actually have a proper girlfriend by now.

Or maybe not, because later on he states that Aiko “will work for nearly 24 hours a day. She is the perfect woman”

With that sort of attitude, no wonder he had to build a woman for himself.

We has it!

Just thought I should tell you.

Well I think it's sleet, bloody cold partly frozen raindrops where falling on my head just now out in the garden so I am calling it Sleet.

And I am just going to do the washing up then watch Heroes, slumped on the sofa in front of the tv with a nice glass of water.

See what a clean and sober life I lead when not under the influence of Shipscook and QueeneMab?

Ahem.

Now excuse me, I have to continue with my rock and roll life style....

Enjoy your music anywhere.

Hmmmm, apparently only if you use the same computer all the fucking time!

Now all you i-tunes experts need not jump in telling me what I have done wrong because basically I don't care anymore!

I have all the music that I have put on my i-pod on an external hard drive and the operating system (i-tunes) is on my laptop at S&F's.

Tonight I tried to load I-tunes onto the borrowed lap top back at the house which would make loading all my cd's easier.

I loaded it twice and each time the bastard refused to see the library of tunes on the external drive.

The only option it gave me when I connected the i-pod was to erase the i-pod and put all the songs in the current i-tunes library (numbering precisely fuck all) onto it.

Oh thanks.

I give up.

I am not interested in finding out what has gone wrong because I really have had enough.

So now I have to ferry albums back and forward to rancho collapso to put them on this fucking I-pod.

I hate technology.

Yes I am in a mood, so bloody what!

Fuck apple and everything they stand for, basically.

Is about the only time you can be surrounded by lots of used Kleenex and not get funny looks from everybody..........

Never have, why bother?

I work with people most of whom I like, but outside work we don’t socialise aside from the occasional drink over the road at this time of year or when someone jumps ship.

So why do these people give out cards a xmas? Especially when they know they are not getting one from me – I make that quite clear early on.

I am not being mean or tight fisted – I just don’t see why I should. Yep, I hope they and their families all have a great xmas and a prosperous new year and yadda yadda yadda but bugger off if you think just because we earn a living in the same building that puts you on my xmas card list.

One woman here God bless her, knows my feelings on this matter but insisted on giving me a card last year just because she knew it would annoy me.

Then there was a bloke I worked with years ago who agreed with me totally but just to wind me and everyone else up, took a pack of xmas cards to the office drink up and spent the night “sneakily” writing cards for people in plain sight, then presenting them to the recipient with a flourish of very badly acted sincerity and good will. Bastid.

But maybe this year, what with the job uncertainty and the fragmented nature of the team no one will bother……

So far so good.

Take one stomach that has since this morning been feeling a bit sicky, churney and squity and is now feeling hungry having had no desire to partake of breakfast:

Add one “Christmas Lunch” sandwich from Prets that contains turkey, stuffing cranberry sauce and flat leaf spinach:

Stand well back.

Sat here at work, I am not feeling 100% due to this minor cold thing and the cough, which has been added to this morning by a stomach upset so I now don't know which end is going off next (but hopefully the tablets frome this morning will help keep my insides in)

And that bloody woman "Ozzy" is sat opposite me CHEWING WITH HER FUCKING MOUTH OPEN AGAIN!

Not a site to make you feel better when your guts are churning and trying to exit through any gap they can find.

God I wish she would go home or go to a meeting.

Bugger this, I will eff off down the shops and see if she is still here when I get back.

more animals

There is, apparently a credit crunch.

We are all tightening our belts and making do, cutting back.

Well some of us are.

I found myself in that very posh London shop Libertys on Saturday. Just looking, not buying….

You would not believe the prices of some of the stuff they sell!

My own personal “favourite”

A chair – just one, a comfy chair alone and not part of a set – made by some fella who I had never heard of. In fact it was a copy of one of his designs from the 60’s I think so not even a bang up to date bit of kit – for over £3000!

The day I pay that much for a single chair it damn well better be able to give me a blowjob as well!

Thursday night, Sarah and I did this.

and the day before I went hunting Snowmen in Soho, and no - that is not a euphemism.....

more animals

We have that wonderful little tradition of Dress down Friday here at Weird inc.

It is a day when you realise that some people look totally odd out of a suit.

It is the one day when I look like I actually should be in the building.

So I sometimes wonder, why don't I come in on Friday in a nice dark suit, white shirt and black tie?

Then I could stand out like a sore thumb five days out of five.

Then I think,

ah fuckit, why bother.

A cartoon of someone popping their head round the door of an Estate Agents and asking:

"Are houses free yet?"

Meh.

Fuck.

Thanks a bunch.

Just rub that salt in a leeetle bit harder eh?

My stars this morning....

“With the Moon now in Pisces, the festive spirit really kicks in. If you haven’t already got your Christmas tree up, you’ll absolutely relish doing that now.”

Ok, so maybe last night Sarah and I did the tree with Sarah choosing the colour scheme this year but that was all for her. OK we had fun but….this next bit….

“ Meanwhile, you want to watch Christmas telly, listen to Christmas music and eat Christmas food. Pace yourself!”

Fuck.

Right.

Off!!!

Funnily enough I am listening to “No more Mr Nice Guy” by Alice Cooper as I type this……how apt.

Just heard that Honda are possibly going to pull out of F1 as the manufacturer are not prepared to keep spending cash for no results.

HMmmmmmm. Try building a better car then!

So Jensen Buttons loyalty was a waste of time, all that dragging a dog of a car round tracks for the last couple of years and having faith that Honda would deliver the goods next year, all for nothing.

Sodding typical.

Which ever one it is.............

ahem.

(people, you should see the outrage and protestations he goes into the minute you make any comment like that, it is one of the best ways to wind him up. Especially after a couple of drinks.)

Anyway!

Happy birthday you old/younger than me/who fucking knows git.

And yes, I have buried this post in the early hours of the morning so no one will see it.

I would hate anyone to think, including you, that I actually gave a shit.

That would just ruin everything.

Funny what comes up in conversation.

I mentioned that I had eaten raw black pudding, and you would think I had confessed to a liking for Penguin shagging!

So it was probably not wise to admit that other things that I had eaten raw included eggs and sausages, in those moments when cooking is just too too much trouble darlinks, or when I was little. But not at the same time by the way. I even ate a raw sprout once and that was bloody horrible.

So anyway, has anyone eaten anything raw that is normally served cooked.

So I get off the bus that is stuck very much not moving in the gridlocked traffic and quickly walk the two and a half miles to the childminders and manage to pass five buses of the same number as the one I left behind.

When I get off it is 5.35 and I manage to get there by 5.53ish.

I have not had to walk that hard for a while but I have done a lot of walking what with not being a driver. I like walking, it gives you time to think. Tonight I was mainly thinking "I am going to be late"

So I pick Sarah up and we pick up something to eat on the way home, after that I run her bath and tell her to do her homework while it fills.

I get her into that and do the washing up, get her out after washing her hair then we start decorating the xmas tree.

Finish that and brush her hair.

She watches the program on tv about oceans and I put all the boxes away and have a little cuddle with Sarah as we watch the Whale Sharks eating stuff.

Then she goes to bed.

Then I get to sit down with the lappy and a glass of wine.

I know you all do this sort of stuff all the time ladies, but it feels really good when you sit down and get some time for yourself no?

Yeah I know, I'm a wimp.

And it was not that bad out there you know.

I went down to Brewer Street and into the shop of curious oddness to purchase the three fun/silly gifts that Sarah can give to Moff, QueeneMab and Shipscook.

She enjoys making people happy so if anyone is not chuffed with their gifts it will be my fault because I chose them. Sorry guys.

That is one of the advantages of working up here – lots of good shops on your doorstep. The crowds can be avoided if you have a sympathetic line manager who does not mind you taking an early lunch, because going out there after 12.00 is foolish.

The only reason I did it was because the shop I was going to is a little out of the way and quirky so it would not be rammed full of people.

So that is three gifts down and only seven ish to go………

What’s the hurry? The dreaded day is miles off………

Oh bugger! There is the small matter of a certain Sea faring cooks and the fact that he is one of those difficult buggers with a December birthday to buy for!

Dammit!

The connection to the internet from here gets progressivly worse post midday which makes blogging or even just chatting on gchat and checking my emails almost impossible.

And as it is 12.36 as I type, they should just be pouring the syrup into the servers as I speak.

So I may not be able to tell you later if I actually cracked and went out at 13.00 and plunged into the heaving mass of out of towners waddling along oxford street and attempted a bit of that xmas shopping I have not even started.

You will not know if I actually did give in to the urge to gouge someones eyes out, or push anyone into traffic, or even if anyone did it to me.

So try not to worry if I am not here anymore today......

I am sure I will be fine...

(looks for sympathy and gets not a sausage, goes for sulk under the desk)

Seen any snow.

Impressed anyone with my IT skills.

Christmas Shopping.

I am off to watch Heroes from earlier tonight then bed.

In other news, the six foot plus artificial tree is down from the loft, rather the huge box it is in came down from the loft, and is decked with lights.

Tomorrow Sarah and I will do the other stuff. It reached her bedtime before we could finish.

Not sure how I feel about putting decorations up........Christmas is a bit meh for me in some ways. Too many spent feeling alone in a group of people maybe.

Too many regrets and missed opportunities.

Too many people not here anymore.

Whatevva!

Time for heroes.

Putting the itunes stuff on a external disk drive was such a good idea.

NOT!

Linking the drive to the lappy at home all I get when I try to get itunes to work is "I tunes has encountered a problem and has to close now"

FUCK IT!

Even plugging the Ipod in does not help.

So I will have to take CD's backwards and forwards to Rancho collapso as this bastard thing is obviously only going to condescend to work when attached to my lap top there.

Cunt.

AND I now firmly believe that itunes will be fucked up now on the drive.

so that will fuck up everything.

Mr optimistic rides again.

As they say on Top Gear - "Ambitious but rubbish"

thats me all over.

And Sarah wants to put the decorations up tonight at the house when she come back from the school disco.

I find the prospect of putting up the tree here very very depressing for some reason.

Meh. with fucking tinsel on.

Maybe it is the fact that I was up till gone one last night, but the walk back to the office from Carnaby Street has almost killed me.

Why was I down there?

I was taking photos of their rather good xmas decorations - Large inflated white snowmen hung above the street.

As I don't have a camera lead with me they will have to wait until Friday for blogification. So there.

As for the rest of the lights up in the streets (Oxford and Regents) Meh. Not that impressive but it is not dark yet.

Some of the best displays were in pub and office windows.

Still it is better than a few years ago when the lights in Oxford street were sponsored by whatever film company had Ice Age 2 out that year. Lots of annoying cute cartoon characters from the film. Bleurgh!

Any xmas decoration horror stories from your town?

Has good taste diserted your borough for the season (as normal?) or is it a wonderland of colourful twinkly stuff?

Just popped out of the office to go in search of a Sammich. I has a hungry the size of Nebraska.

Just as I get to the doors of Prets, fire alarms start going off and they hustle all the customers out onto the street.

Hmmmph!

So I go around the corner to discover that it is not just Prets but every shop in that block that has to evacuate. Which basically means all the convenient Sammich shops and the Sushi place are kicking their customers out!

Bugger!

The only alternatives in sight were The Cornish Bakehouse (luv pasties but not in the mood for one) McDees (fuck right off!) and a Subway (again, luv their work but not right now) non of which I fancied.

I may be hungry but I am picky.

So now I am sat here STARVING and waiting for a bit till the alarms are reset and food sellage starts up again.

And yes I did go upstairs and look at what was available in our "staff restaurant"

Shudder..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu55N302lJk

Nom nom nom.

I will be off now to swarm all over Ships CD collection.

Just like a good pirate should.

Avast there!

(no, this title does not refer to Nirvannas song writing template)

CD’s: little buggers sometimes are they not?

You see, an album that was originally released on a round flat disc of Vinyl and then put on to a CD is actually rather quiet. But an album that has only been released on CD is a lot louder.

“So what you old duffer, that is what volume controls are for, or are you too arthritic to use one?” I hear you charmingly venture…..

Well look kiddies, when you put your I-pod on shuffle you can go from having the volume up full and your ears being nicely caressed by a classic album, to having your eardrums fractured by the sudden jump in volume when a more recent one comes on.

Maybe there is a way to even all the volumes out, but that probably means loading some other bloody programme which I-tunes will argue with and freeze my lappy. Maybe there is something already in I-tunes that I have not yet discovered that would do it anyway.

If any of you hotshot young I-pod savvy things out there could offer any pointers (other than the obvious “Stick to ya wind up wax cylinders ya fossil!”) I would be most grateful.

In other news, why has no one invented a cheap waterproof laptop! I fancy blogging from the Jacuzzi!

I spent most of last night (well the bit not spent eating Shipscooks wonderful homemade burgers) scurrying around doing a bit of a treasure hunt between the various piles of CD’s ships has amassed over the years.

After scanning one case and plucking what I wanted out he would say –

“There’s another load in that drawer”

I would scamper over and rummage..

“And there are some more in that bookcase over there..”

Scamper

“and some in the bookcase in the hall…”

Scamper…..

So as you can probably tell, I had a successful evening with the new external drive and I-Pod combo. Which amazes me really.

First thing I did when arriving back at Rancho Collapso was to feed Tolley and Cleo so they would leave me alone, then unpack my goodies.

The Lappy was fired up and the drive plugged into it. After they had both said hello to on another that was it, ready to go.

Then onto the I-Pod thingamy. I typed in the address given in the I-Pod hand book and was taken to the start sight. Or what I assumed was the start sight, but what was actually the page where you pay for an I-tunes account. Hmmmm, you have had enough money of me so far Mr Pod. Checking the address I typed against the address I had actually been taken to showed them to be different BUT I had not made a mistake when entering the address, you sneaky buggers.

So I re-typed it and this time got the right place. So I said “Gimme!” and it did.

Now you may be thinking, “Hang on –where is the swearing you old git, this is you and new technology here – something must go wrong”

Well fear not – I got my chance to swear because it appeared like the programme would only let me load it to my C drive, which I didn’t want but could see no way of changing. Which is when I got to do the swearing thing, quite loudly actually.

So I gave in and said load. THEN it gave me a choice of which drive to send it to. So I changed C to D and hit “next”

And wonder of wonders, the little light on the external drive whizzed from blue to green to red to green to blue to red……….and it worked.

I was dead chuffed.

Now I know this is all very “yeah so what granddad” to you bright young things out there, but I am pleased with myself.

I can now take the portable drive back to the house and start putting my own CD’s on it via the lappy that my friend lent me.

Well that is the theory anyway……..

Shipscook sits not more than 30ft away from me as the stapler hurls and yet rather than get up and ask him a quesion I have just emailed him using our internal interweb thingey.

Lazyness - I has it!

I has new early chrimbo type presents.

An external hardrive for the laptop, and an I-pod classic.

My cunning plan is to put I-Tunes onto the external drive so that it does not slow my laptop down (after all I have about 500 cd's to put on there) and also my pictures.

I have new things joy, which will probably last until I get the message "Cannot instal to external drive, please start the free form swearing and ranting and dispensing the threats of extreme physical violence on inanimate objects such as said external drive and the soft squidgey bits of I-Tunes board of directors"

I have zero confidence in my abilities with technology, and nothing seems to work out the way I planned normally, so why should this evening be any different eh?

ho hum.

A hypothetical question for you;

Imagine you are single and you have a blog.

You meet someone new and start a relationship with him or her.

Do you tell them you have a blog or do you keep it secret?

We all know that once someone close to you finds out you have a blog they want to read it, so would you say “oh yeah feel free” and think “anything really embarrassing and personal was done friends only so that’s fine” or would you want to keep your jottings to yourself.

Hmmmm?

Yep, that is the only word to describe the weather here in chilly Lahndahn Tahn.

Real nipple shattering coldness has us in its grasp. I know this from my one trip outside with out a jacket to have a ciggie. Not good.

And I have to go out in it again soon to pick up the goodies I reserved on line yesterday, but I will be well wrapped up for that excursion I can assure you.

So I will wish you all a happy Monday and set about re-assembling my raspberries with some prit stick and sellotape.