Area 136

Just nommed an "all day breakfast" sammich from Prets.

Now, I know you may be suprised to find that I skipped my favoured Fish sammich (raw salmon with black pepper) but I fancied a change.

This "all day breakfast" thingey is good but it contains

1 Egg. (OK, but not fried - chunky egg mayonasie if you will, but as it is egg based I will let it go.)

2 Bacon. (well good, this is breakfast all day after all)

3 Tomatoe relish (should of course be sauce and preferably brown BUT this will do)

4 WATER CRESS! - who the fuck has cress for breakfast no matter what time of the day it is taken?!

Sandwich shops. Utter tossers.

Mr S and I looked at each other, then back at her....

"Nah, we're fine"

Lunchtime approaches and I am ready for it.

This office around me is being observed to a background of the Rolling Stones, Metallica, The Black Crows, Stone Gods and whatever else comes up on shuffle. Does not make it look any more welcoming, but at least I can’t actually hear them.

I am about to break out into the cold but sunny streets and dodge the lunchtime wanderers and skip over the prone homeless person who has made a nest against the wall of our building and make my way through the dirty crowded streets of this city. I love it actually.

Some one I know ran screaming out of London claiming it was killing them; they took off to set up a life in a town off in the countryside. But the thing is, when you run away you tend to take yourself with you. And what if you are the problem? You can’t blame the city for everything.

I would have the same rubbish in my head where ever I lived.

So here will do for now.

Yes I bloody knew your post would have spiders in it ya daft tart so I didn't bloody look!

But ooooooh loooky, there in my "recent media put up by your inconsiderate bloody friends" bit at the bottom of the page, why stripe me pink and arachnophobic, BUT I CAN SEEEEE THE BLOODY EIGHT LEGGED GIT HANGING LIKE A BLOT OF FEAR AGAINST THE EVENING SKY!

God you must hate me soooooooooooo much.

About an hour.

Today has been a day of getting up late, watching the Grand prix (and jumping up and down laughing a Ferrari like a nutter, so much so that S&F came in to see if someone had died as I was cackling so much) and general slobbing out.

All done in my blue stripey dressing gown.

Even Shipscook and Mrs F got dressed before me.

But I suggested a trip up to the Victoria to enjoy the last of the good weather so had to get dressed.

So I did, we walked up to the Vic and the bear garden was full of people with the same idea as us.

Well I don't know if they had all only just got dressed then gone to the pub, but there were a lot of people there making the most of the weather.

We only stayed for a little while and came back (the call of the sofa was too strong) so me and Ships got back in to slob mode, put our dressing gowns back on and watched Batman Begins while Mrs F bobbed around in the kitchen making a lasagna (which is smelling pretty good as I speak)

So today, I has been an bit of a slob.

Well it is Sunday after all.

Hope you are all doing great.

x

I has it!

What the hell is rock club (or gig) throat when it is at home?

It’s that condition you get from spending all night in a loud venue talking over the noise of the DJ or bellowing your order to the people behind the bar while the band are on.

You wake up the next day with a voice about half an octave lower and a bit gravely.

But….how the hell did I get it today, I have not been near a rock club in years? Maybe it’s just too much Red wine and too many ciggies….

Then it hit me, I was drunkenly singing along to “Jesus just left Chicago” and “Blue Jean Blues” last night when they came on the DVD.

Stoopid old git.

Someone is feeling a little under the weather due to vodka consumption apparently.

"Neeeeek, My head hurts. Halp"

Coming to me for that sort of help is a bit like going to Long John Silver for Tap dancing lessons.

Oh well, maybe they will learn to respect the vodka now.

As she normally posts at this time of day and this is the PC she normally uses.

Check the 'effin time code!

Yep, I is up and have fed the damn kittehs!

Normally Tolley would come boinging onto my bed at about 04.30 going:

"MorninggetupLOOKATMYBUMsorryisthatyourface
wannafeedmeyesIwilltakemypawsoffyoureyeballs
andstoppurringdownyourear
ifyoujustFEEEDMEEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOW!"

Why he does this to me I will never know as I just swear alot, then thankfully I normally hear the alarm go off and Shipscook hauls himself out of bed to take care of the furry little buggers and I can go back to sleep.

This morning I cheated and closed my door.

Ha!

So when it was opened I was met by a very happy little Cleopatra chirping away and looking hungry.

So now they are nomming away and I am having a coffee and doing this.

How is your morning going then?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Some of you out there have expressed concern over my ability to look after a couple of cats for a night.

Frankly that hurts me deeply people.

I know I may come across as a complete disaster area some times but I am shocked by your low opinion of me.

So, I thought I would just let you know that both Shipscat 1 & 2 are in, safe, and fed.

And so am I.

Now if you will excuse me, I am flouncing off upstairs to run my jacuzzi and after a good long soak (or at least till my finger tips go all wrinkly) I am going to watch a DVD.

And NO! not a "special interest" one purchased from the lower ground floor of the wonderful Soho "bookshops" but in fact "ZZ Top live in Texas"

So there.

Have a good evening.

I may pop back later just to prove that I have not burnt the place to the ground.

SEEEE MATT! that's how you do it.

Ahem.

But seriousamaly folks, tonight S&F are out having a jolly up and I am in charge of Ptolly and Cleo, otherwise known as shipscat 1 & 2.

And I know some of you will be shocked that S&F have gone somewhere without me, but trust me - despite the appearing like we are a three pack we are not joined at the hips.

So I will be off to Rancho Collapso in about 50 mins and I will play "hunt the kittehs" and entice them into the house. I will then have a little relax with my guitar and after that watch the Simpsons. And possibly have some wine.

Ahem.

All the while Shipscats 1 & 2 will be sat in the hall staring at the front door.

SC1 "Where is the big hairy monkey that feeds us, he is normally here by now?"

SC2 "Maybe we better ask the little shaved monkey if he knows how to work the food cupboard. Or we could go crap in his bed?"

SC1 "Nah, lets go claw his legs till he gives in, I think big hairy monkey is not comming"

So I will feed the little darlinks, then get my kit off and have a candle lit Jacuzzi possibly with some more wine, then maybe watch a DVD on Shipscooks humungous tv.

I could of course go down to Soho and get a "special interest" DVD, but who knows. The evening is mine to do with what I wish. And so is the contents of S&F's drinks cabinet and fridge. The FOOLS!

Providing I feed the cats that is.

And I will

Because (and if you tell anyone I will kill you) I am actually rather fond of those two little furry gits.

Oh yes, but only if you are

A – a smoker, or

B – you have a bum.

Now A will only be a few of you, but B covers just about everyone.

Let me first introduce you to Magic performed in group A, with what is known as “The Magic Cigarette”

“The Magic Cigarette” is a summoning device which can be used to cause objects, people or Events to appear or occur.

For example, you are waiting for a bus and it is overdue. You take out a cigarette (the magic is stronger if it is the last one in the packet) light it up, inhale and SHAZAM! The buss appears.

This also works if you are hanging around in the street waiting for someone. Also it is good for ending Fire alarms as I just found out – we evacuated Weird inc for a drill and as we stood outside in the chill air I took out a ciggie, lit up and the alarm stopped and we were told to go back inside.

Magic in category B is done with your bum.

You are waiting at home for a delivery and you are on your own. They have given you a very broad delivery window “Between 9 and midday guv” so you are sat there waiting. You reeely need to go to the toilet but hold it for as long as possible. In the end, fearing for the safety of your underwear, you give in and dash to the toilet. Just at the point of no return, when “the babies head has engaged” as it were, the doorbell will go. You have summoned the delivery person with what is known as “the magic poo”

This can also work in airport departure lounges. Your flight is delayed and you have been sitting around for ages. No sign of a gate on the boards for your flight, and your bowels that were locked solid up till now with “Getting to the airport on time and getting through security without an argument” anxiety have loosened up quite alarmingly.

You go to the toilet and once again, at the point of no return, you hear your flight called for immediate boarding!

On the plane the magic can continue. If you have not had to have the magic poo in the toilets of the departure lounge you may find you have to use the toilet on the plane (Oh the horror!)

As soon as you reach that special point, on will come the seatbelt signs and a little “bing bong” will tell you its time to go back to your seat. As the plane starts to shake wildly you realise that your magic poo has summoned air turbulence, as it always does.

Use this knowledge wisely my children.

This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the being very bored at work Association.

Well there is no need for panic. I sit at my desk as normal, ready and primed to look busy when there is a point, but there is at the moment little point as the general work ethic of the team has gone off for a long walk somewhere windswept and interesting.

I still sit and discreetly gaze at the attractive women that work on this floor now, and there are many of them. But as you know, what I consider attractive covers a wide age range and body shape range so there is far more for me to gaze at than your average old lecherous bastard would be able to find.

The black hole coffee is flowing, unlike inspiration for entertaining blog posts and I sit here fighting the pull of lolcats.

And being a total idiot, you would think I would have packed enough cheap cigarettes for my two day stay back at the House, but no. All my cheap £2 packets of Marlboro are snuggled up next to the bed in “my room” at Rancho Collapso, so I will have to go and suffer the wallet shock of buying an over taxed packet of English ciggs at some point today.

Well then.

I wonder how long this calm mood will last?

More industrial strength coffee I think.

I am listening to the "new" Thin Lizzy live album that was recorded in 1975 or something, and drinking some wine.

Then I will listen to the new Queen + Paul Rodgers album "The Cosmos Rocks" (shite name for an album) and drinking more wine.

And then we will see how I feel.

Me that is.

You may remember that a couple of months ago I told you of what I hear in my head depending on whether or not the skilfully flicked cigarette end I have aimed at the gutter drain goes in or not? (Han Solo saying “great shot kid, that was one in a million” if it goes in or Luke saying“It’s no good! It impacted on the surface” if it does not.)

But here is something else I should probably not share but will.

Whenever I go into one of the toilet cubicles here at Weird inc, I am always a little concerned to find the lid down. Not just the seat, but the lid as well. Now as ladies are always telling us chaps, we NEVER put the seat down. C’mon ladies – it ain’t made of lead, do you want us to piss all over it or move it your bloody selves eh! But anyway, seeing the lid down worries me because I have a quick mental vision of what I fear I may find when I lift it up.

And no, believe it or not, I am not worried about finding a brace of “Brown Octobers” snuggled in a nest of soggy toilet paper – that would be par for the course.

No, I always have a quick mental image of a totally clean bowl, with a severed head stuck in it.

I know, mad as a goose on stilts.

Click to see why this made me laugh as I can never get the damn things to fit!

more animals

In the Metro this morning, on page 7 in fact, there were two pictures of a group of eight women. In one picture they are all “done up” in big eye makeup and big hair, in the other they appear to be wearing no makeup – but probably are wearing almost as much as in the first picture – and you are asked which look you prefer.

The point of the article is to publicise a new series by that annoying Wok Ban bloke or whatever he is called.

But anyway, looking at the pictures I decided that I personally preferred the one where the women looked like they had no makeup on. They do look more natural and far less “I’m Amy bloody Winehouse me! Gerrus a fuckin’ drink or I will puke on yer shoes!” My preference for the “natural” picture has nothing to do with the fact that they appear to be naked either, before you start.

Mind you, there is a time and a place for big eye makeup, and it can look good. I have been lucky to have been out with some women who did (in my opinion) look good with no makeup on at all, so when they wore a little they looked really good.

So, which look do you prefer?

“While we’re here can we just pop into this shoe shop?”

“Mum and Dad would love to meet you”

“What are you thinking?”

“We need to talk”

“Can you hold my handbag for a minute?”

But it is always a bit odd when you see piccies of a female cupping her naked breasts and doing her best to look seductive in the "recent Photos" section of blog.

I now realise that if anyone is reading this line they will be female as most of the males will have charged off to have a look.

This person had no blog yet and it all seemed a leeeetle odd. Seeing as this is a "family" site I did the decent thing and flagged it.

Eventually.

ahem.

“I will be out tomorrow”

When said by your boss that is.

A text arrives.

“You are quiet today”

“But I posted this morning! Anyway I am still busy here at work. How are you?”

“Not been on line today”

AHA!

The act of observing a blog changes its state, in fact the act of observing a blog could actually tell you if there is one to observe or not. And until you look it could be boring or interesting on a quantum level until you look, then it would resolve itself into one state or the other.

So all our blogs exist in this dual state till they are read.

So maybe we should all stop reading blogs and they would all be the most fascinating bit of writing ever AND the most inane twaddle under the sun AT ONE AND THE SAME TIME.

Or maybe I should lay off the coffee.

Stunned as I am to find that another plan of weird inc has gone wonky, I am glad that I will now not be moving from this possition for a couple of months at least.

That is all

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the most amazing venues we ate in was a place called Old Hansa. This is a restaurant that is owned and run by a very enthusiastic 8ft tall (well he seemed to be a few foot taller than me and ships) guy who is very into the medieval period of Europe and the food and trade and traditions of the period.

After spending some time being guided round the shop in the restaurant after hours and being given free glasses of a very strong drink called "Healing Drops" we decided it would be good to come back the next night an eat at this establishment. And don't ask why we were being given a guided tour after hours - it sounds much better if I don't explain it.

So this is the place from the outside.

Inside though, there is nothing but candle light and the smell of Beeswax candles and rich spicey meaty aromas.

You may think the above photo is a little dim, but it was taken on a high ISO setting - the place was really dark and atmospheric. And they had musicians playing authentic stuff on authentic stuff. Up in the air even.

Or on the steps.

The food was good and authentic too, no potatoes as they had not been found lurking around in south america back then, and lots of spelt which is a barley (spelled S.P.E.L.T. - spelt) ahem.

Even the toilets were as authentic as they could be, given modern H&S rules about plumbing.

But having said that, have you any idea how nervous it makes you to use a dimly lit toilet full of candles and heavy drapes?

Still it was a great place.

I'd go again if only for the wenches, who had far better figures than those skinny musician women.

If it is in fact your birthday you sneaky wee man!

you could, you know, just pop on here occasionally to let us all know you are still alive and kicking.

But have a fantastic day if you can.

See ya soon.

Outside in the garden of Rancho Collapso this morning, I was looking at the Conker tree that stands in the next door garden and normally drops loads of conkers into S&F's garden. This year it looks a little ill.

There are lots of brown spots on the leaves and it has not produced as many conkers as in past years.

Now shipscook always moans about the amount of them he has to clear before he can cut the grass and is happy to let Sarah scuttle around and collect as many as possible for him. You know what kids and conkers are like.

But this year he may not need to worry and Sarah might not be gathering as many.

The conker tree had a small cloud of Squirrels racing around in its leaves this morning, and all you could hear was the tearing of conker skins and the thud of empty shells hitting the ground.

Every now and then a Squirrel would run off along the fence with one in its mouth to stash somewhere but mostly they appear to be eating them on the spot.

Does this mean something? are we going to have a bad winter or has this been a poor year for squirrel food in the wild?

Who knows.

Anyway, off to get ready for my day out with Sarah and S&F.

The thing is that Tallinn is in fact two hours in front of us.

So on our first day it was a bit odd as we kept thinking it was earlier than it was and then we planned to have an early night, which ended up being one in the morning due to meeting the really tall fella that owned the Old Hansa restaurants in one of the said establishments and having a tour of his shop and drinking some very strong medieval booze (for free no less).

But anyway, now I am two hours in front and to me it feels like 11.30 and my body is saying GO BED!

So I will.

Maybe tomorrow I will bung up some pictures of Old Hansa one and two and some other stuff.

We did hardly any of the above activity.

What?

STOP BLOODY LAUGHING!

OK, maaaaybee we had one or two.

Oh bugger it, on our first foray into the city Ships said he knew a place......

Which turned out to be a very cool little bar with fantastic food and bar snacks.

With an odd ceiling.

Yes, that is the ceiling.

We popped in there most days either for a refreshing drink as we passed and a little snackette (second breakfast for some of us. ahem) or in the late dark hours of the morning for a nightcap before bed.

We also discovered a very odd Bavarian style beer hall. Complete with piped ommpah music (and bizarrely a german version of "the Irish Rover" by the Pogues! and on one night a live country and western band who sung things in german. Probably about how their german shepard dog had died and they had to drive a tank all the way home for the funeral in 24 hours) In the back it got more odd, with a little street laid out for you to eat and drink in, in little houses no less. Who said the germans have no sense of humour?

And for some totally unexplained reason, they had this in the foyer.

I have no idea either.

This is also the bar where you could get this - The "U boot"

Yep, a shot glass of Jaegermeister lurking in the bottom of your pint of Lager, leaking out every time you took a drink and making it stronger. Yummers actually. Some of the tables in this place had beer pumps attached to them with a price meter on the wall above them. This is also the venue where Mrs F got chatted up by a very pissed Fin who was old enough to be her dad. I valiently rushed outside giggling and had a ciggie as soon as this scenario developed, safe in the knowledge that Ships would stand by his woman or twat the fella. When I came back in they were standing with coats (including mine) in hand and my unfinished u-boot on a table ready to leg it. I nearly pissed myself laughing

Another of our favorite haunts was the ice bar. I cant think how it got it's name........

No that is not a massive line of coke, it is the remains of these...

Little shot glasses made of ice. The very nice girl in there made us some great cocktails and even introduced me to the Green Fairy........

But that may have to be a friends only post.

We went to Tallinn on Wednesday as ya know. It looked a tad like this from one of our hotel windows

and rather like this when you were in it.

The town was very quiet when we arrived on Wednesday with only the occasional rubbery rumble of a car on the cobblestones to remind you to get out of the road. Most of these cars were sleek new Audis or Mercs, Shipscook and I were rather hoping to see more knackered Soviet era rust buckets but we were disappointed.

It is a lovely place and we had a good relaxing break. Now I will load up a load more piccies and you will all yawn but I, my dear 0.5 of a glazed eyed reader, don't care.

(I can never get piccies to fit properly so click to see the full size wossname)

It is half past eight here in a grey and wet Tallinn, makes it look very soviet if you know what I mean.

We are heading for home today after a very relaxing break walking around, and eating and drinking in the Medieval town. Some of you have said "not another holiday" but I don't class these trips as such. They are more like sanity breaks, a chance to get away and forget everything that is driving you mental at home.

This of course leads me to wag my finger at Mrs F or ships on occasion and say "Ah ah ah, not a subject for this trip" and then get slapped but still.

So by some time tonight we will be back at Rancho Collapso and the regular deluge of photomagraphical stuff will start to appear before your rather disinterested eyes, my poor and long suffering 0.5 of a reader but if I didn't show you some pictures you would think I was making it all up.

hope you are all well and happy.

AVAST THERE!

tis I, all the ways from over ere! feeling a wee bit slow due to the local grog, which be good stuff me hearties!

I will be back soon bringin ye tales of very tall men and their medieval eatin houses stocked with fine foods and very very pretty servin wenches, of late night accidental drunkeness, of the very beutiful old town of Tallinn, of a wonderfully cruel drink called the u boat, which consists of a pint of beer with a shot glass of Jaegermeister upturned on the bottom of said pint glass.....oh yes....and other such stuff.

The womens of this fair town range from beauties to sour faced Rosa Kleb clones, the pretties are normally in the bars and the others sat in silent dissaproval in the corners of the many small museums of this town. Glare at you they does, just waiting to tell you off, It was only a slight tap on that bell fer chrissakes and I did say sorry!

Anyway,

We is haulin ourselfs off in search of some decent coffee as the swill they be servin at the hotel taste rather ex Russian military issue....

I ope ye is all avin a fine time in olde England, I will be havin a fine time here

Yes. Being totally sustained in the awake condition by strong coffee and loud mp3 music, I find myself in a not totally dead condition after a morning of very tedious work.

A big tiredness, I HAS IT!

So much so that I feel a Noddy dribble snort and snore embarrassment scenario will ensue on the train to Rancho Collapso this afternoon. Oh well, it is a game I know by heart.

So I have to actually pack in this mental condition. Which will probably mean I fly to Estonia with nothing else in my backpack but socks, and as it is going to be about 9 or 10 degrees there I may well freeze to death. Meh.

In other news, we found out this morning that on Friday we are being moved to a new set of desks on this floor. We were not “told” you notice, we had our suspicions and had to find out! And they can’t tell us any more than the general area we will be going to – no desk location.

So I will have to pack all my crap into my pedestal, lock it up and trust my line manager to get it moved to the right desk. Preferably the one that has my pc and phone line on it.

So Monday will see me wandering around the great white wasteland of Weird Inc. trying to spot my managers little shiny head.

Anyway.

Sorry what was I saying?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just remembered this exchange from the weekend.

Ships, Mrs F and I are at the bar and I am waiting to get served.

The barman turns to me and the woman next to me and says, “Who’s next” as they do.

The woman looked at me and I motioned for her to go first but she was concerned about the amount of drinks she was going to order and wanted to make sure I didn’t mind so she said

“Well Mine’s quite large, is yours a small one?”

“Madame! Really!” I cried and looked suitably shocked.

I just had to.

Metallica have come back with an album full of anger and fire. Rocking more than a cow with three legs in a force nine gale, Death Magnetic was far from the disappointment I feared.

And no metallic sounding clangey drums.

It will be such a good London commuting soundtrack tomorrow morning.

I think if you like heavy rock you could do worse than giving it a listen. And if you were a Metallica fan who thought they had lost it (and let's face it, after "St Agnes" who didn't) you will be deeply chuffed.

That is all.

And no, I have not got the volume up high. It is down to a reasonable level so as not to disturb Sarah but it is coming out three times the volume of other cd's

The Volume meters on the CD player are in the RED!

And the first track "That was just your life" Rocks!

God I sound like a teenager rather than a middle aged bloke.

Ah the power of the Rock.

I have just realised that I will be out of the country on Talk like a pirate day!

All right, no need for that look..............yeah I know, "so what"

Meh.

Arrr?

Jimlad?

No?

Oh well.

But since I have not been able to blog due to the amount of work that has been dumped on us passed to our section I am stuck for things to say.

This is a post of no exception to that rule, much like the one I did this morning.

You can see what is happening here can't you - bored middle aged bloke is sat at desk and has no one to play with during lunch break so decides to waste the virtual rainforsets resources as he types some amless gubbins.

And in other news, this bloody pc won't play the new Metallica album that I just goted so I am a bit annoyed.

God I am sooooooooo bored.

And now, so are you.

I wish I had time to do a post.

But I don't.

Reeeeely don't.

That is all.

Why are you still here wasting everyones time? Go on...

SHOOO!

busy busy busy.

Honey bees buzzed in the walled garden, making their way from flower to flower.

A massive bumble bee dwarfed them amongst the blooms and we pointed out the differences between hover flies and honey bees to Sarah.

The scent of some of the flowers was amazing even through my cold, yellow butterflies danced around us.

Sarah Skipped along pebble paths with her hair swinging left and right across her shoulders.

A seat in the low late afternoon sun for coffee and tea, listening to the couple on a nearby table discuss the nature of reality.

Home later and down to the lake, sun setting and water fowl bobbing.

Excited babble from Sarah and peeps and squawks from the lake.

Snuggle on the sofa now, time for food and fun.

A good day.

To go back to Rancho Collapso, pour myself a stiff drink and play my guitar.

and in about fifty minutes (if I can last out that long) that is exactly what I am going to do.

This was going to be an off the top of my head list of stuff I am fed up with at the moment. "No! Reeeeely?" you gasp, my little doe eyed 0.5 of a reader.

So I knocked it out, ahem - and then got rid of it.

The main thing that I am fed up with is this cold.

But I think it is getting better. My head today feels like it is stuffed with soggy Poodles.

If I alowed myself to suffer from "man flu" I would have spent all week in bed. Another opportunity passed by.

So as you can tell I am bored. Hence dull post.

What to write.......

I remember once years ago (and I know I have told you this before) I was walking through a crowed London street when a man approached me and asked if I would like to talk about Jesus.

"Erm, No actually"

"So why are you wearing a Crucifix then!" he said. True enough - I was wearing one, but it was given to me by an ex girlfriend and I was stubbornly hanging on to it in that stupid soppy way us blokes do.

"What does it mean to you!" He demanded.

"Don't ever be nice to people or they will nail you to a tree" I replied.

Iz ya burfday!

Just in case you had forgoted.

Have a great one geezer!

I know you don't come around here much now, but I think I have lost your email so henywhey......

Happy Birthday. With big vibrating knobs on.

ahem.

You can throw me into a wall anytime.

I couldn't let the birthday of the only blogger I have met that used to be able to drink as much Vodka as me go by without doing the good wishes thing.

And I say "used to" in the above paragraph as I know you're a reformed character now.

XXX

Consisted of a cup of strong coffee and a Sudafed tablet. A red one.

I know how to live it up eh?

And the fact that I had to sit in a meeting for three hours knowing that there was a fecking huge mountain of work very much not getting done was an occasion of great joy. Not.

Especially when my manager and his manager were discussing deadlines and I said "you do realise I am off for three days next week?" a statement that was met with "Oh shit!" and looks of alarm.

So why was I kept sat in that meeting then?

Oh well.

Still bloody going away though.

Was the title of a song I wrote ages ago but its almost appropriate.

What I see when I close my eyes are lines and lines and lines of addresses that have to be checked against a finance database to ensure our records are right.

Thousands of them done so far. Two more regions to go.

My sanity went aaaaaaaaaages ago.

My day goes, quick check of email. Turn email to "dont even bother trying to contact me" Stick earphones in and crack on till RSI says its time for a coffee or a sneaky quick look at blog.

Two weeks of this and I is nuts.

Also I have "a bit" of a cold. I iz drippin and coughing like a consumptive tap while I work.

A truly attractive picture I am sure you will agree.

So I am sat here with, for a change, not a large glass of wine - but a steaming mug of lem bloody sip!

Rock n roll eh?

Better be well soon, for this time next week I will be in parts foreign.

again.

Well why not.

Someone had some comments on a well read blog that were very nasty, from someone labeled a stalker.

One of the most popular bloggers on this site has been bullied and harassed so much that they hardly post now. True they do have a lot of stuff to deal with out there in the real world but the crap they got and still occasionally get was totally unnecessary.

But when someone mentions this in a post relating to a recent spat between bloggers, no one has seen it or even heard of it.

So everyone thinks that this blogger is having a go at the spatters in particular, not just commenting on this spat as part of a bigger malaise on blog.

everyone thinks this blogger, who always is honest with people and tries to be kind when saying what she thinks, is the bad guy.

Really people.

Get some fucking big glasses.

I kid you not.

On Friday the 19th of September my daughters school is embracing the old talk like a pirate day malarky and are having a special lunch.

Let me share it with you

" Talk like a pirate LUNCH MENU.

Polly Parrot Pizza

Captain Jack Cajun Chicken

Sailors Starfish

Pasta Seashells

Golden Nugget Fries

Sweetcorn Salad.

Iced Treasure Songe.

£1.80"

Excusermer me! That item at number three

SAILORS STARFISH!

I know times are hard for schools but is that not taking recycling a tad too far?

(Incidentally Sarah commented innocently that it should be called "Sailors Starfish Surprise" - I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh!)

more animals

Dis playce iz gerrin da sads.

A young man is standing outside of our office wearing trainers, blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Nothing odd there at all.

He is also wearing a bright orange blindfold and waving a cricket bat over his head. He is doing this because he is fighting a big invisible monster and as he waves the bat around frantically he tells this beastie what a damn good kicking he is going to administer to its scaly hide.

Then he stops, lifts a corner of his blindfold and looks around in a bemused and surprised manor.

He repeated these actions three times as I watched.

Of course there is a film crew in front of him and a small crowd of slightly bemused cigarette smoking office workers behind them watching this bizarre display.

I love working in central London.

At work right now, so that is why I may seem a little scarse around here.

Not that it matters, blog does not revolve around me.

So don't make any comments on this post at all, as I am far too important and busy to actually reply.

So there.

In other news.

Bonapartes is a great restaurant.

I mean is it only me that can find himself with tons to do but be totally bored by it?

This working for a lark is not the…erm………lark I was led to believe!

But it would seem that everyone else has things to do because since my very brief check of the blogosphere this morning, not many on my friends list have posted.

You must be all saving it up for your lunch breaks.

God I’m bored.

Gotta start all that work malarkey again in half an hour.

Meh.

I think I will go outside and have a cigarette.

You never know, I may get struck by lightning and that would brighten my day no end.

I want dinner in a French restaurant and…………..oh hang on. Yippeeee!

New estate agent came round tonight. Piccies were taken and a contract signed.

Although they charge more than the other frankly usless bods we were using before they went bust, they are far more gung ho.

More bad news is how much our property has lost in value, but they are confident they can sell it sooner than later.

Hmmmm, I thought. But before the guy left he said someone would be coming to see it this Thursday. Goody we thought.

Then he left. A short while later the phone rang. It was the agents.

Someone wants to come see the property tomorrow as well.

Well OK, bring it on. Shall we say six? certainly.

A short while later the phone rings again.

Someone else wants to come tomorrow, shall we say six twenty?

Well Duh!

So that is a bit of a change.

Mind you, we are selling the house for £2.50 and a packet of chips thrown in.

1. Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Nick supply!
2. Donald Duck's middle name is Nick.
3. If a snake is born with two heads, the heads will fight over who gets Nick!
4. Nick is the world's largest rodent.
5. Only twelve people have ever set foot on Nick.
6. Lightning strikes Nick over seven times every hour!
7. Nick is the only king without a moustache on the standard pack of cards.
8. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by Nick.
9. A sixteenth century mathematician lost his nose in a duel over his love for Nick, and wore a silver replacement for the rest of his life.
10. The word 'samba' means 'to rub Nick'.

Only so much very dull and depressing data clensing rubbish you can do in one day before your brain falls out of your arse.

In other news, I suspect that bloke over there is wearing a wig.........

And I want to know if that girls legs are incased in seamed stockings or tights but can't think of how to gain this information without getting sacked or hit or all three.

Meh.

Always remember that although it may be acceptable to put in your MP3 player to alleviate the mind numbing boredom of the huge amount of records you are wading through on the pc, this act will not enable you to accurately judge the volume any casual utterances you make.

So when the file presents you with a really annoying lump of plainly rubbish information and you exclaim

“Oh PISS OFF!”

Don’t be surprised if a number of heads in your vicinity – heads that make a shed load more money than you do and dress far neater – turn in your direction.

At least with the headphones in you won’t be able to hear the tutting.

Ahem.

Months I mean, the month just gone and this one just started.

Over the years every stupid thing I have ever done, every “unwise” decision – ranging from “not too clever” to “Suicidaly stupid” has been made during these two months. Every bad thing that has dropped on me seems to happen in August or September.

But this year I was warned to be ready and keep my eyes open and my brain engaged.

So far one of the months has passed and as far as I can tell, I have done nothing too stupid. Nothing too terrible has dropped out of a metaphorical tree into my path and bared its teeth. So that’s a bonus.

Just one more to go.

I am crossing everything!

In other news, still very busy at work.

I iz sayvin dis mouse fer later, you touch it - yoos ded!

My very own lolcat.

So excusermer me.

I still have a mahoosive pile of work to do. Well not exactly pile - you can't pile reports on a computer can you? Unless you print them out and stack them on top I suppose.........

Sorry what was I saying?

Oh yeah, I am busy with the worky thing at the moment and may well be aflicted with it for the rest of the week.

In other very odd news, I feel really happy today.

I KNOW! bloody odd.

well OK, there was one leeeetle bit where I thought about something I really shouldn't, remembered some things that I should not dwell on, but I can't help that sort of soppy bollocks.

BUT it was really only a brief slip.

Not even the office being so cold that I have had to wear my coat all morning could dampen my enthusiasm.

But never worry my loyal and faithful 0.5 of a reader, you know what I am like. An attack of the howling fuck up monkeys may well be lurking around somewhere with my name on them.

But right now, bollocks to them!