Much boatness today, sailing around the caldera of Santorini. It is only from the sea that you realize just how much of it has been blown away.

Bright sunlight, incredibly blue water topped by white foam spraying up from the bow. Yes landers, I did get a face full of salty liquid and it was very refreshing.

And just down the rail from me was the girl in the black hat. Long dark hair, long pail limbs, too young for me but as a pure exercise in appreciating loveliness she was worth looking at. And when she sat with her eyes closed and that hair framing her face under the shade of the dark straw hat.....

(sigh)

Is a phrase that Mrs F was not familiar with until I pulled on my speedos and said it's was the male equivalent of "Peanut smuggler" with regards to nipples.

So I pulled on a pair of said budgie smugglers for our afternoon jacuzzi session, and when all was safely tucked and poked in the frankly silly little "gentlemens sausage hammock" I dove in. Now yes, I have been aresing around in there nekkid but only because the jets from the jacuzzi shoot into the pockets of my sensible swimming shorts and inflate them like the Michelin blimp, which does plenty for my reputation but does cause me to bob to the surface somewhat.

So later I am in our room toweling myself off, and as I am bent over letting Mrs F apply some aftersun stuff to my back I hear shipscook say:

"Your arse looks amazingly white you know."

I worry about him sometimes.

Fuck that, now I am worrying about me!

before this pc times out so what shall I say...............................

erm.

Think I may go have a bloody mary just for a change and see if I can avoid ouzo silly stuff happening.

Happy birthday firelight by the way, and happy birthday to anyone who I have missed or am going to miss due to being here and thingamys.

It's twenty to eight at night here and still bloody warm.

Just makes you drink more.

YAY!

Well it was about time, we are into our second week here.

I normally start it. Mrs F is the person I normally get into the argument with.

"I have go no colour at all today"

"Rubbish! you look like a choc ice"

"no your browner than me, look at you"

"But that will all peel as I have a heat rash, yours is going to stay dark for ages"

"But I want to be darker!"

Mr S normally stops this by coming out of his sun proof bunker and chucking one of us in the pool.

Saw the Ancient city of Thira today, and by poor judgment and laughably vague water bus timetables managed to be on top of the mountain at midday, cooking nicely.

You lot do know your going to get bored to death with reams of photos of sunsets and ruins and boats and stuff when we get back?

Anyway, hope you are all well.

And yes, ouzo did play an evil trick on me last night and mysteriously attached my foot to a table leg in a bar so when I stood up and turned round I nearly took the whole thing with me and I only just managed to not fall flat on my face.

I haz klaaas.

It is hot, I am brown and still have another week of sunlight to go. Me and Ouzo have an understanding. We like each other. But know one likes us when we are together. It's the walking while clinging onto walls I think, it puts people off.

Tomorrow we go to see ancient Thera, the old capital of the island. Yesterday we were in modern Thera, which hangs on the side of the Caldera and just looks beautiful in the sunset. And charges you an arm and a leg and your first born for a drink while you watch said sunset.

Now I did say before I went that NO ONE was to burn their blogs and fuck off while I was away. This happens every fucking time I go anywhere and frankly it's getting annoying. At this rate I will have to stop having holidays.

So Jacobite to toss monkey! Come back!

Now I have limited access to the net here so can't find out much about why he went. I will grill him or try to on my return.

And in other news I know why Santorini blew up. Yes it was a big fucking volcano but at the museum yesterday I saw some old wall paintings and the silly sods liked and respected MONKEYS!

Frankly they were asking for it.

Gotta go now and find some food and booze. Not necessarily in that order.

"I hope we can climb up onto that boat without getting wet."

"God that sunset is fantastic."

"Nice piratey boat! I'll take it!"

"Feck me it's hot"

"God what a great view, and the food is ace!"

"Oh bugger I'm a bit drunk"

"Oh god I'm a bit drunk and naked in the Jacuzzi, smoking a cigarette. Again."

"Christ that waitress is hot. And she shimmies so well"

"No you cunt! why the fuck would I want to buy a pair of binoculars! I am trying to sunbathe here on a damn beech! be off with you"

"Oooo! oooo! oooo! Lookit cute kitty! lookit cute kitty!"

"Three Euros for a packet of cigarettes! and 3.40 Euros for a litre and a half of very good local wine? MARRY ME YOU SWARTHY SHOP KEEPER"

"I'm missing Wimbledon. Fucking ACE!"

Oooozle is a booozle that makes you go all woooozle.

Remember kids.

Alcomahol and blogging should be kept well apart.

As we are two hours in front of you it is now half past hot and sunny.

Alive

The colour of a chip (ie, golden brown but not yet Row coloured.)

Happy - yep!, so bloody there!

Drunk - Quite possibly

Annoyed with this grit clogged keyboard. DAMN RIGHT!

And apparently loved.

And too busy smoking cheap fags to hang around in here typing this shit.

later peeeps

(MrsF or shipscook will tell you about the bird and the hand feeding and the hoy and the glavin.)

I just want to let you know that sitting in a Jacuzzi on your balcony with a lit Marlboro in one hand and a glass of booze in the other, while gazing at a great big volcanic mountain bathed, as you are, in bright sunlight - Makes you feel like a damn rock and roll legend.

Even if you ain't got any hair.

And if there are some unleashed puppies bobbing around next to you, it helps.

so,

How's the weather there then?

EEEP!

Stepped off the plane into a warm bath of air and imediealty forgot about the nightmare trip with it's bags going down the wrong chute and possibly to the wrong destination and the LLWNTS tacking my pirate lighter off me due to some new nation wide rule which is NOT on your website guys no matter what you say.

soooooo,

today. spent some of the day at the beach, well DUH! and then went back to our gaff, the Meltemi luxury apartments and had a dip in the pool and then we all sat in our jacuzzi on the balcony and drank Ouzo and lemonade till we got a tad giggly.

The apartments are stunning: white walled courtyard with bright fuscia and purple plants exploding colourfully against them, a great pool and the afore mentioned jacuzzi on the balcony.

I am happy with it.

For now. ahem.

Fuck that! I want to MARRY the damn place!

today on the beach I had the pleasure of the company of a tortoiseshell coloured dog, who wanted to share the shade of my palm frond beach umbrella. Which was cool. He slept and watched my stuff while I was in the sea and I let him have some friends over. We all snoozed away happily for a couple of hours and I got some sun time in, in the middle of a new little pack of friends.

S&F were concerned that I was going wolf. Well you never know when the mood for a good howl will take you.............

We have some trips booked up, we are going to see sights and tonight, just for a change we may get a bit drunk and have vair vair nice food.

And no one, I mean NO ONE sat in that Jacuzzi earlier nekkid.

OK?

Right.

Glad we got that sorted. (pictures when we get back)

Ahem.

Time to eff off and get my hair cut.

Do I go back to S&F's and get some sleep then finish the last little bit of packing?

Do I do the little packing bit first and then play my guitar for the last time in two weeks?

We are leaving vair vair early in the morning. Or late at night depending how you look at it.

Oh bugger, I will just wing it!

Now!

you lot.

No one AND I MEAN NO ONE burn your blog down while I am away, and if there is internet anywhere near the resort I will chat to you sometime soon.

That is not including if I go on it at S&F's of course.

See ya.

Well what to do; tidy the desk up a bit? - maybe.

Wash my mug out? – well obviously, don’t want to come back to a mug full of mushrooms. Again.

Bin some of the old guitar magazines that fill my in tray? Well that would be the “green” thing to do.

Go get my haircut? – Well yes, I am far too soft and spiky round the head regions. But that is to be done when I leave work.

Set my work email to “out of office”? – All done.

And as I have done all the work I have to do, I am done for the day really.

So what to do till four O’clock?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

That’s me.

You see it is my last day at work for the week.

So I think it is Friday. It just feels like one.

Sooooooooooooooooo

As it is Wednesday, the building society don’t open till 09.30.

A fact that was politely explained to me by the nice man in the Nationwide when I politely (thank Christ I was polite) asked why they didn’t open at 09.00.

As I then told him about my concerns regarding my attempts to deposit some money in the ATM as detailed in my previous post, all I could here in my brain was my little inner me going (YOU WANKER YOU WANKER YOU WANKER!)

Anyway, they have told me everything will be fine.

And probably laughed at me after I left………….

No, it’s a spoonerism not a reference to a flat chested girl. Sheeeesh you people only ever think about sex.

No, I would like to say something to building societies and the Nationwide in particular.

If it says that you open at 09.00 on your website, and it also says 09.00 on your door

FUCKING OPEN AT 09.00 YOU BASTARDS!

Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to fuck about trying to deposit a big chunk of money in the poxy ATM, which fucked up and did not complete the transaction first time (ok, me putting the envelope in the wrong way round, snatching it out and trying to put it back into the now gagging slot and causing the machine to freak may not have helped) and then not given me my card back for a couple of minutes after the second attempt. Maybe now I would be sure of how much money is going to be in my account for use on holiday.

Maybe now I would not be contemplating making voodoo dolls of all your fuckwit useless at time management staff.

Tense? Me?

Nah.

"Nick, have you got your holiday insurance document?"

Oh fuckity. Well yes, somewhere on this planet is the grubby bit of paper I printed out sometime late last year and which has schlepped all round the world in the grot at the bottom of my back pack, but I had no idea where it was.

So the penultimate day before my holiday and I am in the music room with my backpack gutted on the floor in front of me and the everyday contents spilling all over the floor.

It ain't there matey.

Soooooooo

I manic scan through my old AOL email account because I am sure it must be saved there somewhere.

Amongst the tons of emails I have saved in seemingly illogical files to make it "easy" to find things when I need them

Ahem.

Eventually the correct email was found in the incorrect file. After many incorrect emails where found in the right file.

Just call me Mr organized.

So at least I can have a new clean insurance document to take with me instead of the crumpled stained one, that I can't find anyway.

Minor panic over.

Hang on.

Where is my passport?

"Can I watch Springwatch daddy?"

"It goes off at nine and that's a bit later than your bed time, you have to go to bed straight after"

"OK. Oh, am I having a bath?"

"Yes you are, and you have home work to do, and its 7.20 - spring watch comes on at 8.00"

Cue running bath, getting Sarah started on her home work, checking bath, getting clean clothes off clothes horse and putting my dirty ones in the machine, checking bath, check Sarah, turn washing machine on, put Sarah in bath, put dirty plates in Dishwasher, check Sarah has not drowned, get Sarah out of bath and back to home work, finish putting dirty dishes in dish washer and then, voila! - all done and springwatch is starting.

That is the most active I have been all day, including at work.

Says my new tag.

Hmmmmmmm, possibly.

I did get a hot shower this morning as I woke up at 5.15 in exactly the same position that I was in when I lay down and closed my eyes. So I put the water thing on and went back to sleep for half an hour. Now no more discussions about my plumbing please.

Have actual work to get on with, and a worry.

Someone said to me last night via a pm that I had not been as smutty as normal on blog recently!

This is a good thing surely? A sign that maybe finally I have achieved some maturity?

Or it could mean I have just used it all up.

There is only so much smut one man can peddle after all.

In other news, yesterday in Mollys I was shock to discover that bar staff outnumbered the customers 2 to 1!

Then one being me obviously. At one point there were THREE members of staff. I started getting a bit paranoid at that point.

Anyway,

If I start the work thing now – i.e. after a ciggie and some coffee, I should have it done by the next ciggie and coffee.

Darlinks I am a BLUR

I was washing Sarahs hair tonight and had to wait for ages for the water to feel a little less like it was running straight off of a glacier and get to vaguely room temperature. Something was amiss.

Yep, no hot water from any tap in the house. Bugger.

So a call was made to Jo's dad who is a retired plumber and heating engineer. He suggested a test to find out if it was the boiler or the pump, which involved turning the thermostat up full and seeing what the boiler did.

The thermostat was cranked and the boiler roared into life, the radiators steamed into hotness and we were vaporised instantly, leaving nothing but blackened silhouettes on the walls.

Once we were all better, we reasoned that the boiler was indeed working and therefore the water pump is fucked. Again.

So, if I want a hot shower tomorrow I have to get up an hour before I want to, turn the immersion heater thing on (because leaving it on all night would run up a big bill) and then go back to bed till its time to get up.

Hmmmm, I may well be having a cold shower tomorrow.

Probably long overdue....

Where do you feel most at home?

I like both actually, I love the peace of walking through forests and sitting by a river (what is it with me and rivers anyway! Must be a Pisces thing) I like big views and hills and stuff.

But I also love Cities and the bustle that goes on in them. I really enjoy city breaks and exploring a new place. People everywhere and traffic noise – it’s all good. You can actually disappear into your own little world in a city. Sitting watching people hurrying by from a bar or coffee shop window is a great way to relax.

It’s the bit in between the town and country I am less keen on – the Suburbs. It’s easier to stand out in the suburbs. All that curtain twitching. All that, “you don’t come from round here” bollocks. I find it uncomfortable. Which is odd because most of my life has been spent living in the suburbs.

As much as I like the countryside I think actually living in it for any length of time would eventually drive me mad. Living in a city could get a bit stressful as well but I think I am probably more suited to it.

What about you?

But in here it is all foggy and damp. “In here” being my brain, which is not functioning too well after yesterday.

I did get most of what I needed packed but discovered that I am a bit lacking in underwear, not having stashed enough at S&F’s to cover me for the holiday. No, going commando is not an option thanks, I stopped doing that years ago.

So I will have to pick some up from the house or buy some more. Where does underwear go? Do the underpants gnomes come in the night? Do they just dissolve into the ether? Hmm, mine probably do.

Also my efforts to shed a few pounds before going away have come to exactly FAIL!

So when I come back after two weeks of eating and drinking and laying around I will have the chubs. And hopefully a suntan.

Must attempt to look busy, bye bye.

Ah, candlelight makes me think I look younger.

looking at that photo, I'm so young I have vanished!

Maybe I will go sick tomorrow with a dose of the invisibilities.

or something.

I feel that horrible drunken sensation, where I end up typing one of those stories that starts: "back when I was in my twenties I..."

and ends up being an example to you young uns of how exactermerly not to conduct yourselves.

For example, see my post "The matchbox trick" or the one about hitting the fake blond body in my bed with an acoustic guitar (what do you mean you never read that one! it was a classic)

Anyway.

Maybe not.

"I notice you didn't spatch your cock"

"Nah, I didn't feel like it. Dinner is in about seven minutes"

"Oh good"

And now my sweet and fragrant 0.5 of a reader, you find me in the garden - packing almost done and dressed in my bathrobe - don't ask - drinking coffee and Vino Sante with Cantuccini bikkits which (for those of you that don't know) are hard rusk like things with almonds in them that you dip in the sweet wine.

Yummers.

Someone sitting near to me is squeezing at a trapped hair on her bikini line and has just objected to me using this sentence, protested at my choice of words and forbade me to blog it. So I said I would say "someone near me is doing something I have been told I can't blog" - which would be worse, so I have been allowed to use the lesser of two evils.

Also she has just said the classic - "Oh this ones really long! I love it when they shoot out like that."

wireless internet.

It am fun.

Time for more booze.

Blogging from bed I mean, it's cosy and warm and nice.

They say that you can only really enjoy doing nothing if there is something you should actually be doing. In my case today there is quite a lot I should do or be doing right now but.........not just yet.

I should be sorting out some of my packing for the holiday. I can hear Mrs F busily buzzing about outside making packing noises. Which makes laying here very satisfactory.

I could go back to sleep for a bit, I could read some more of my book, I could......well maybe.

I will do the packing and the sorting out the toiletries and the finding the speakers for the mp3 and the washing the crud off my Marshall Baseball cap and the finding my beach towel and such, but later.

It seems like it is going to be a nice day out there.

Hmmmmm, maybe I will be able to blog from the garden later. That'll be another excuse for not doing anything constructive....

Over the