For the weekend,

Camera – charge battery overnight for maximum clickyness.
Waterproof coat – Oh yes, probably gonna need it.
Warm fleece thing – yep ditto above.
A spare pair of trousers in case of muddy doggy footprintage.
Sunglasses - I am an optimist sometimes. Could help in highly unlikely event of hangover.
Two t-shirts
Two changes of underwear
MP3 charged and ready to go for the flight and inevitable delay at airport
An haircut. Maybe done by me, although I am thinking of going to the barbers and watching how they do it this time. This is NOT an excuse for one more lust over the Italian girl. Honest.

I am only thinking of this packing stuff as I have done all my work. I am not normally this good at the forward planning.

And I am only Blogging it because I like to share and spread my boredom.

I am good like that.

Well almost, and not due to some inner pain my dear 0.5 of a reader, oh no.

A fridge has sprung a leak in its cooling system, and our office is awash with the “vibrant” smell of ammonia.

To be honest it is like working in a tramps gusset.

It is exactly that sort of eye watering stink and it’s not good.

So we await someone to come take the fridge away and stare at each other red eyed and try not to vomit.

Hope your day is being less fragrant.

hehehe.

Many years ago there was a show called "Gilberts Fridge" featuring Gilbert the Alien, who was voiced by Phil Cornwall.

I LOVED THIS SHOW.

Featuring the mini show within a show "How far to Hitchen"

and the wonderful Len McManotony.

Well maybe I am.

There was a time that any instance of boredom out in the real world would see me on here spouting absolute rubbish and general nonsensicalities of huge proportions. Guff and twaddle were my weapons of choice and I could spew forth paragraphs of pointless pish at will.

But now I find that sitting in front of an empty blog just makes me go blank. I just stare. Wafflers block.

Maybe one day the spark of creative drivelidge will bob to the surface of the inspiration starved soup that sloshes around in my cranium, one day I will find myself sitting here - my fingers a blur - pumping out wads of worthlessnessiousity in your general direction.

But when? WHEN?

Oh

Hang on.........

It was an appealing prospect – every month I could trot down to the little barbers in Soho and (if she was in there of course) let the very cute Italian girl cut my hair for me.

But a fiver a time would mount up, and everyone has told me how easy it is to do your own hair. So I have purchased a set of trimmers with all the necessary combs for varying lengths and the plastic cape thing and cleaning brushes. It even has a instructional DVD with it allegedly. What is that going to be like “This is your head, this is your hair, and this is the trimmer. Place buzzy sharp end against head at back of neck and move it in a northerly direction.”

So I will be able to make sure I look all lovely for my visit to the Emerald Isle this weekend.

Unless it all goes wrong, in which case I will be shaving it all off.

I will miss the Italian girl though. Maybe I could go in there every couple of months just as a treat to myself………..

Here I am, up at "you silly twisted boy" O'clock!

Still.

Yet.

Analladatstuffinit.

Of course, it is only "You silly twisted boy" O'clock because it is Monday and I have to get up at 05.45.

So expect any posts you see from me tomorrow to be full of life and vigour.......

ahem.

Looking at the leaflet for the election thingamajig this Thursday, looking at all the parties after more power in London.

Oh god…………..

I flick through, first up BNP. Now really. Just fuck off now and do it far.

Next page, The Left List. Excuse me?! The who now?

Next, Boris “Walt Disney’s last request” Johnson. Oh blimey.

Next, some cutie from the Green Party. I make no excuses for the sexism in that comment, but seriously – do all politicians have to be such Munters?

Lib dems next. Nah, for some reason I liked Charles Kennedy. Now he has gone, Meh.

UK Independence. The first of the parties that should be called the “I’m not racist, but……” party.

Next, and I cant even believe it my self is The Christian Choice party. Now excuse me, but I wouldn’t even vote for a pagan choice party – politics and religion should be kept very very separate in my book.

The English Democrats, oh yeah – another “I’m not racist, but….” Type thing and the head of the party looks like he works in advertising so he can fuck right off.

Next page, KEN! Eeeeeep. That sound in the background is Jacobite exploding.

And that is it.

You can see from my comments that I am a mature and politically astute adult.

But frankly I am damned if I have any idea who I am voting for………………..

Bugger.

I know it is only Monday, but I am looking forward to this coming weekend allready!

We took Sarah to Chessington world of adventures today, as I said we would.

Yes, it was sunny.

Yes, I now have a red neck and can say "Yeee haw motherfucker!" and "you've got a real purrdy mouth boy" with authority.

When we got there, Sarah insisted we go straight to "The Black Buccaneer" ride. Which is basically a big swing. In the shape of a 30ft pirate ship that you sit in, in rows of five and it swings into the vertical. Sounds like nothing. But I saw people in the que saying how "The Vampire" was the scariest ride in the park and how this looked boring, then watched them almost crying on the Buccaneer.

So our first ride on it, and at its peak of high swinging Sarah shouts out "I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID TO THE VAMPIRE! THIS IS THE SCARIEST RIDE EVER!"

So after that the torture part of the day starts. a complete, total and very very annoying HOUR AND A HALF in the que for "Dragon Fury" or whatever the fuck it's called and a 45 second ride! Or so it seemed.

True it was very good - you sit in a car that spins round as it careers along a track and goes vertical at certain points. But standing in a line for that long with a load of chavs and their kids made me want to kill!

So the rest of the day, apart from lunch, was spent on "The Black Buccaneer" - 10 TIMES we went on that thing. The feeling of weightlessness and vertigo as you hit the top of each swing and stare either directly down or up vertically at the rest of the screaming boatload of riders is scary, then the falling as you and the boat, not quite touching each other, plummet back down feeling like you are going to fall to your death over the safety rail is worrying and fantastic.

But, on one of the early rides we were sat in the centre of the boat near the mast where the rows face each other. A woman of much loveliness was sat facing me, with a fine cleavage on display.

There is nothing so pleasing as sitting in the sun, being swung to the vertical and watching gravity and G-force work on a fine pair of breasts!

Ahem.

EDIT, found this on you tube, not taken by me. This gives you just a HINT of what its like, but you never get that "falling to your death" feeling from this.

Is a book by Dean Jensen, about a set of conjoined twins “famous” in the early 30’s

Theirs is not a happy story, but the bit of large text picked out in the review really caught my eye.

“They hit rock bottom and where billed as ‘the world’s only strip-teasing Siamese twins”

It does not seem like much of a “feel good” book.

Might skip that one.

And at the expense of having anything to actually blog and to prevent a sudden fit of the "Oh I know I will post this deep and heartfelt rant" on some other group based blog thing I is doing the typing off the top of the noggin malarky just so I keep my needy and insecure little inner me happy.

It is hotter than a dockers armpit in this office, and about as humid. I want to no longer be here and wish I could be generally somewhere else.

As you do on Fridays.

Soon I will be somewhere else, which is of course vair vair good.

I am wanting rampages through the world of neighbor annoying volume levels with a guitar, but of course will not be so inconsiderate as the neighbors that I would annoy if doing such a thing would not actually be my neighbors but the neighbors of S&F. And that is just not fair on them.

Seeing as they have taken me into their home, it would be wrong of me to get the neighbors up in arms with high volume badly played widdle shennanagins on the geeeetarr.

Oh god I'm bored.

And I think I just saw a lady office goth go by, and I am curious to find out more. I had no idea there was a female goth on this floor.

Why does no one tell me ANYTHING!

I am starting to feel a bit mental. Must be all that coffee.

So, here I am fortified by many cups of “Black hole” coffee and actually feeling quite with it. Which is very odd considering last nights lack of chunky great kip adventures.

I will need to get some sleep tonight as we have an early start and rather active day ahead of us tomorrow. Sarah will be coming over to S&Fs’ tonight as she has been doing for the past month almost, and I must try to get her in and out of the Jacuzzi in decent time for bed. This will be difficult as she is 8 and does not want to go to bed and miss anything.

Then we will have to get up rather early and head off to Chessington World of Adventures. Again – yes Sarah wanted to go back to do all the scary rides she didn’t get to drag daddy onto the last time. She also wants to do all the scary stuff she did last time!

I have explained that this time round the queues will be longer and we will have to wait in line for most of the day, but that doesn’t seem to have dampened her enthusiasm for experiencing high G forces and vertiginous heights.

Then Sunday we will do a bit of shopping for some summer clothes for her (god I’m going clothes shopping with a female! HELP ME) then we have to get back to the house for 1 as we have a viewing at half past. Then I leave Sarah with her mum and go back to Rancho Collapso.

Hope you are all planning something fun but possibly not as terrifying.

Had a nightmare that woke me up from my early evening “waiting for S&F to come home” sleep, which I try to grab to stop me being such a grumpy tired git. Woke up feeling very odd. Worked through the sadness left behind by it and had a good evening.

Then when going to bed for real, I just could not drop off. My brain did that “I know your tired but I am going to go at 200 miles an hour in some very odd directions and keep you awake!” thing.

After about an hour I think I did sleep, but kept waking up because my brain would not let me sleep for any length of time, prodding me awake and going “Guess what I have just thought up! This’ll drive ya mental!”

At one point I managed to get to sleep and have a dream about being awake and unable to sleep! What a bastard trick to play on yourself!

Or was I awake but so tired I thought I was asleep and dreaming I was awake?

Bugger, even I am confused now.

Oh well.

I will just have to power through it all with coffee and more coffee.

Ya see what I did there eh?

Bloody comedy GENIUS I is.

Have a good one.

x

She knows why.

Yep, it is. Just accept it OK?

People I normally yak to are gone from the net chat places presumed busy and actually getting on with their jobs/life.

I am beset by meh-ness and generally have a huge great raft of nothing where my blog inspiration used to be.

Maybe I have told you everything of any interest that has happened to me. Maybe I have used up all of the interesting, funny or gross things that have happened to me in these past 45 years.

Actually I have not, but you just dont' need to hear some of it. Or I don't want to trot it out in public.

But JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS I am bored.

So are you now.

hehehehehehe.

I also have a little bit of work to get on with but I am saving that for when my bosses boss is around. Work smarter - not harder, as they say.

But I am vair vair bored.

So I am sitting here looking around this big open plan atmosphere free zone in which I have to spend most of my day, and something has occurred to me.

As I mentioned earlier, there is a very attractive woman in the office. Looking around it has hit me that there are in fact quite a few attractive women in this office. But this situation has only developed in the past couple of weeks, as more people seem to be using this floor than before.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am not sitting here with my tongue out or making inappropriate comments, but it is nice to be able to glance up and see someone you find attractive walking by. Brightens the day.

And poor old Jacobite is missing it all.

Sorry dude.

Unfortunately it does not stop me being bored though!

Bugger!

Guess what I was doing yesterday, go on!

bet ya can't

Go on!

Alright - apart from the obvious being odd, going to Mollys and being quized about why I had not been in there the day before (god, barmen are SO possesive) and "enjoying" all the usual mood swings and roundabouts of my daily life - apart from that.

Give up?

I was Working. Yep.

I KNOW!

If it happens again today I may expire.

In other news...

Oh my god, did she have to wear that jumper to work! with all the clinging and the curve display and the hoy lovely ladyness and the dark hair and the glavin.........

Had to call my big sister tonight.

She lost her partner at the weekend. He just dropped dead during the night. They had been together for longer than Jo and I had been married. More than 13 years then.

She is handling it suprisingly well and is being looked after by members of his family and her friends where she works and local to where she lives.

She is tougher than I am.

I wine about the comparitivly minor crap that I have going on, then you realise that other people in the world have got some serious stuff to deal with.

Just back from a ciggie outside in the wonderfully "Celeb" packed west end. And while out there I saw a strange site.

I saw tall and lanky "It Will Be Alright on the Night 789" presentere Dennis Norden sporting an eye patch over his right eye!

Must have passed too close to me on occasions and picked up the pirate infection.

Oh dear.

A busy street, sun (yes bloody sun!), people passing, you sitting, cold beer, good friend, nice pub, happy mood.

I love this place called London.

Now all I need is a riverside flat, a vast sum of money, and no need to ever work again and I would be set.

Yep. Never gonna happen.

Oh well.

You can always dream.

There seem to be an awful lot of Americans working in this building.

Just found two drawling in the lift.

There must be about six on this floor.

Where are they all coming from!

Do we have an infestation?

Should we call Rentokill?

'tis odd.

I am still surprising people with my change of hairstyle.

Just now, finishing off a ciggie outside, a chap who has become a “Smoking acquaintance” joined me. We were stood by the wall mounted ash tray, I put out my ciggie and said “It’s all yours, see you later”

“I won’t need it soon – gonna have to give up”

“Yeah it’s the damn price of the things now” and I went to walk off.

“Here hang on! You havin’ a chop?” he said looking at my head.

HAVING a chop? Eh?

“No, I still have long hair – it’s just invisible now. See ya”

In other news, I think I look about 50 years old today. Meh.

Reading an A-Z list in the Metro this morning of things that can lower fertitly in men.

Being over 40 reduces your fertitliy apparently. So I am half as fertile as a man under the age of 25. No shit Sherlocke!

Ciggies and booze reduce your sperm count.

Hot Jacuzzis are not good for your happy sacks either (!!!!)

Eating King Mackerel is not good as it is high in mercury and even Tuna can be a bit risky.

Stress and worry can reduce the potency of the "lurve juice" as well.

I was thinking of having the snip a few years ago, but seeing as I do or have done most of the bad things on that list I am not so sure I need to now.......

Mai tadpoles hab a lethargy........THEY HAS IT!

It is catching. Habit forming it is.

A few weeks ago here at Rancho Collapso, Sarah was being a typical 8 year old and not wanting a bath or hair wash. When I suggested a Jacuzzi then a hair wash she was super keen and covered in a big grin.

Now of course when she knows she is having a weekend over here she decides in advance and tells Jo that she wants a Jacuzzi!

Do you think she is getting to used to the finer things in life at too early an age?

Am I a bad Daddy for giving her such cravings?

Oh dear.