Area 136

For the weekend,

Camera – charge battery overnight for maximum clickyness.
Waterproof coat – Oh yes, probably gonna need it.
Warm fleece thing – yep ditto above.
A spare pair of trousers in case of muddy doggy footprintage.
Sunglasses - I am an optimist sometimes. Could help in highly unlikely event of hangover.
Two t-shirts
Two changes of underwear
MP3 charged and ready to go for the flight and inevitable delay at airport
An haircut. Maybe done by me, although I am thinking of going to the barbers and watching how they do it this time. This is NOT an excuse for one more lust over the Italian girl. Honest.

I am only thinking of this packing stuff as I have done all my work. I am not normally this good at the forward planning.

And I am only Blogging it because I like to share and spread my boredom.

I am good like that.

Well almost, and not due to some inner pain my dear 0.5 of a reader, oh no.

A fridge has sprung a leak in its cooling system, and our office is awash with the “vibrant” smell of ammonia.

To be honest it is like working in a tramps gusset.

It is exactly that sort of eye watering stink and it’s not good.

So we await someone to come take the fridge away and stare at each other red eyed and try not to vomit.

Hope your day is being less fragrant.

hehehe.

Many years ago there was a show called "Gilberts Fridge" featuring Gilbert the Alien, who was voiced by Phil Cornwall.

I LOVED THIS SHOW.

Featuring the mini show within a show "How far to Hitchen"

and the wonderful Len McManotony.

Well maybe I am.

There was a time that any instance of boredom out in the real world would see me on here spouting absolute rubbish and general nonsensicalities of huge proportions. Guff and twaddle were my weapons of choice and I could spew forth paragraphs of pointless pish at will.

But now I find that sitting in front of an empty blog just makes me go blank. I just stare. Wafflers block.

Maybe one day the spark of creative drivelidge will bob to the surface of the inspiration starved soup that sloshes around in my cranium, one day I will find myself sitting here - my fingers a blur - pumping out wads of worthlessnessiousity in your general direction.

But when? WHEN?

Oh

Hang on.........

It was an appealing prospect – every month I could trot down to the little barbers in Soho and (if she was in there of course) let the very cute Italian girl cut my hair for me.

But a fiver a time would mount up, and everyone has told me how easy it is to do your own hair. So I have purchased a set of trimmers with all the necessary combs for varying lengths and the plastic cape thing and cleaning brushes. It even has a instructional DVD with it allegedly. What is that going to be like “This is your head, this is your hair, and this is the trimmer. Place buzzy sharp end against head at back of neck and move it in a northerly direction.”

So I will be able to make sure I look all lovely for my visit to the Emerald Isle this weekend.

Unless it all goes wrong, in which case I will be shaving it all off.

I will miss the Italian girl though. Maybe I could go in there every couple of months just as a treat to myself………..

Here I am, up at "you silly twisted boy" O'clock!

Still.

Yet.

Analladatstuffinit.

Of course, it is only "You silly twisted boy" O'clock because it is Monday and I have to get up at 05.45.

So expect any posts you see from me tomorrow to be full of life and vigour.......

ahem.

Looking at the leaflet for the election thingamajig this Thursday, looking at all the parties after more power in London.

Oh god…………..

I flick through, first up BNP. Now really. Just fuck off now and do it far.

Next page, The Left List. Excuse me?! The who now?

Next, Boris “Walt Disney’s last request” Johnson. Oh blimey.

Next, some cutie from the Green Party. I make no excuses for the sexism in that comment, but seriously – do all politicians have to be such Munters?

Lib dems next. Nah, for some reason I liked Charles Kennedy. Now he has gone, Meh.

UK Independence. The first of the parties that should be called the “I’m not racist, but……” party.

Next, and I cant even believe it my self is The Christian Choice party. Now excuse me, but I wouldn’t even vote for a pagan choice party – politics and religion should be kept very very separate in my book.

The English Democrats, oh yeah – another “I’m not racist, but….” Type thing and the head of the party looks like he works in advertising so he can fuck right off.

Next page, KEN! Eeeeeep. That sound in the background is Jacobite exploding.

And that is it.

You can see from my comments that I am a mature and politically astute adult.

But frankly I am damned if I have any idea who I am voting for………………..

Bugger.

I know it is only Monday, but I am looking forward to this coming weekend allready!

We took Sarah to Chessington world of adventures today, as I said we would.

Yes, it was sunny.

Yes, I now have a red neck and can say "Yeee haw motherfucker!" and "you've got a real purrdy mouth boy" with authority.

When we got there, Sarah insisted we go straight to "The Black Buccaneer" ride. Which is basically a big swing. In the shape of a 30ft pirate ship that you sit in, in rows of five and it swings into the vertical. Sounds like nothing. But I saw people in the que saying how "The Vampire" was the scariest ride in the park and how this looked boring, then watched them almost crying on the Buccaneer.

So our first ride on it, and at its peak of high swinging Sarah shouts out "I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID TO THE VAMPIRE! THIS IS THE SCARIEST RIDE EVER!"

So after that the torture part of the day starts. a complete, total and very very annoying HOUR AND A HALF in the que for "Dragon Fury" or whatever the fuck it's called and a 45 second ride! Or so it seemed.

True it was very good - you sit in a car that spins round as it careers along a track and goes vertical at certain points. But standing in a line for that long with a load of chavs and their kids made me want to kill!

So the rest of the day, apart from lunch, was spent on "The Black Buccaneer" - 10 TIMES we went on that thing. The feeling of weightlessness and vertigo as you hit the top of each swing and stare either directly down or up vertically at the rest of the screaming boatload of riders is scary, then the falling as you and the boat, not quite touching each other, plummet back down feeling like you are going to fall to your death over the safety rail is worrying and fantastic.

But, on one of the early rides we were sat in the centre of the boat near the mast where the rows face each other. A woman of much loveliness was sat facing me, with a fine cleavage on display.

There is nothing so pleasing as sitting in the sun, being swung to the vertical and watching gravity and G-force work on a fine pair of breasts!

Ahem.

EDIT, found this on you tube, not taken by me. This gives you just a HINT of what its like, but you never get that "falling to your death" feeling from this.

Is a book by Dean Jensen, about a set of conjoined twins “famous” in the early 30’s

Theirs is not a happy story, but the bit of large text picked out in the review really caught my eye.

“They hit rock bottom and where billed as ‘the world’s only strip-teasing Siamese twins”

It does not seem like much of a “feel good” book.

Might skip that one.

And at the expense of having anything to actually blog and to prevent a sudden fit of the "Oh I know I will post this deep and heartfelt rant" on some other group based blog thing I is doing the typing off the top of the noggin malarky just so I keep my needy and insecure little inner me happy.

It is hotter than a dockers armpit in this office, and about as humid. I want to no longer be here and wish I could be generally somewhere else.

As you do on Fridays.

Soon I will be somewhere else, which is of course vair vair good.

I am wanting rampages through the world of neighbor annoying volume levels with a guitar, but of course will not be so inconsiderate as the neighbors that I would annoy if doing such a thing would not actually be my neighbors but the neighbors of S&F. And that is just not fair on them.

Seeing as they have taken me into their home, it would be wrong of me to get the neighbors up in arms with high volume badly played widdle shennanagins on the geeeetarr.

Oh god I'm bored.

And I think I just saw a lady office goth go by, and I am curious to find out more. I had no idea there was a female goth on this floor.

Why does no one tell me ANYTHING!

I am starting to feel a bit mental. Must be all that coffee.

So, here I am fortified by many cups of “Black hole” coffee and actually feeling quite with it. Which is very odd considering last nights lack of chunky great kip adventures.

I will need to get some sleep tonight as we have an early start and rather active day ahead of us tomorrow. Sarah will be coming over to S&Fs’ tonight as she has been doing for the past month almost, and I must try to get her in and out of the Jacuzzi in decent time for bed. This will be difficult as she is 8 and does not want to go to bed and miss anything.

Then we will have to get up rather early and head off to Chessington World of Adventures. Again – yes Sarah wanted to go back to do all the scary rides she didn’t get to drag daddy onto the last time. She also wants to do all the scary stuff she did last time!

I have explained that this time round the queues will be longer and we will have to wait in line for most of the day, but that doesn’t seem to have dampened her enthusiasm for experiencing high G forces and vertiginous heights.

Then Sunday we will do a bit of shopping for some summer clothes for her (god I’m going clothes shopping with a female! HELP ME) then we have to get back to the house for 1 as we have a viewing at half past. Then I leave Sarah with her mum and go back to Rancho Collapso.

Hope you are all planning something fun but possibly not as terrifying.

Had a nightmare that woke me up from my early evening “waiting for S&F to come home” sleep, which I try to grab to stop me being such a grumpy tired git. Woke up feeling very odd. Worked through the sadness left behind by it and had a good evening.

Then when going to bed for real, I just could not drop off. My brain did that “I know your tired but I am going to go at 200 miles an hour in some very odd directions and keep you awake!” thing.

After about an hour I think I did sleep, but kept waking up because my brain would not let me sleep for any length of time, prodding me awake and going “Guess what I have just thought up! This’ll drive ya mental!”

At one point I managed to get to sleep and have a dream about being awake and unable to sleep! What a bastard trick to play on yourself!

Or was I awake but so tired I thought I was asleep and dreaming I was awake?

Bugger, even I am confused now.

Oh well.

I will just have to power through it all with coffee and more coffee.

Ya see what I did there eh?

Bloody comedy GENIUS I is.

Have a good one.

x

She knows why.

Yep, it is. Just accept it OK?

People I normally yak to are gone from the net chat places presumed busy and actually getting on with their jobs/life.

I am beset by meh-ness and generally have a huge great raft of nothing where my blog inspiration used to be.

Maybe I have told you everything of any interest that has happened to me. Maybe I have used up all of the interesting, funny or gross things that have happened to me in these past 45 years.

Actually I have not, but you just dont' need to hear some of it. Or I don't want to trot it out in public.

But JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS I am bored.

So are you now.

hehehehehehe.

I also have a little bit of work to get on with but I am saving that for when my bosses boss is around. Work smarter - not harder, as they say.

But I am vair vair bored.

So I am sitting here looking around this big open plan atmosphere free zone in which I have to spend most of my day, and something has occurred to me.

As I mentioned earlier, there is a very attractive woman in the office. Looking around it has hit me that there are in fact quite a few attractive women in this office. But this situation has only developed in the past couple of weeks, as more people seem to be using this floor than before.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am not sitting here with my tongue out or making inappropriate comments, but it is nice to be able to glance up and see someone you find attractive walking by. Brightens the day.

And poor old Jacobite is missing it all.

Sorry dude.

Unfortunately it does not stop me being bored though!

Bugger!

Guess what I was doing yesterday, go on!

bet ya can't

Go on!

Alright - apart from the obvious being odd, going to Mollys and being quized about why I had not been in there the day before (god, barmen are SO possesive) and "enjoying" all the usual mood swings and roundabouts of my daily life - apart from that.

Give up?

I was Working. Yep.

I KNOW!

If it happens again today I may expire.

In other news...

Oh my god, did she have to wear that jumper to work! with all the clinging and the curve display and the hoy lovely ladyness and the dark hair and the glavin.........

Had to call my big sister tonight.

She lost her partner at the weekend. He just dropped dead during the night. They had been together for longer than Jo and I had been married. More than 13 years then.

She is handling it suprisingly well and is being looked after by members of his family and her friends where she works and local to where she lives.

She is tougher than I am.

I wine about the comparitivly minor crap that I have going on, then you realise that other people in the world have got some serious stuff to deal with.

Just back from a ciggie outside in the wonderfully "Celeb" packed west end. And while out there I saw a strange site.

I saw tall and lanky "It Will Be Alright on the Night 789" presentere Dennis Norden sporting an eye patch over his right eye!

Must have passed too close to me on occasions and picked up the pirate infection.

Oh dear.

A busy street, sun (yes bloody sun!), people passing, you sitting, cold beer, good friend, nice pub, happy mood.

I love this place called London.

Now all I need is a riverside flat, a vast sum of money, and no need to ever work again and I would be set.

Yep. Never gonna happen.

Oh well.

You can always dream.

There seem to be an awful lot of Americans working in this building.

Just found two drawling in the lift.

There must be about six on this floor.

Where are they all coming from!

Do we have an infestation?

Should we call Rentokill?

'tis odd.

I am still surprising people with my change of hairstyle.

Just now, finishing off a ciggie outside, a chap who has become a “Smoking acquaintance” joined me. We were stood by the wall mounted ash tray, I put out my ciggie and said “It’s all yours, see you later”

“I won’t need it soon – gonna have to give up”

“Yeah it’s the damn price of the things now” and I went to walk off.

“Here hang on! You havin’ a chop?” he said looking at my head.

HAVING a chop? Eh?

“No, I still have long hair – it’s just invisible now. See ya”

In other news, I think I look about 50 years old today. Meh.

Reading an A-Z list in the Metro this morning of things that can lower fertitly in men.

Being over 40 reduces your fertitliy apparently. So I am half as fertile as a man under the age of 25. No shit Sherlocke!

Ciggies and booze reduce your sperm count.

Hot Jacuzzis are not good for your happy sacks either (!!!!)

Eating King Mackerel is not good as it is high in mercury and even Tuna can be a bit risky.

Stress and worry can reduce the potency of the "lurve juice" as well.

I was thinking of having the snip a few years ago, but seeing as I do or have done most of the bad things on that list I am not so sure I need to now.......

Mai tadpoles hab a lethargy........THEY HAS IT!

It is catching. Habit forming it is.

A few weeks ago here at Rancho Collapso, Sarah was being a typical 8 year old and not wanting a bath or hair wash. When I suggested a Jacuzzi then a hair wash she was super keen and covered in a big grin.

Now of course when she knows she is having a weekend over here she decides in advance and tells Jo that she wants a Jacuzzi!

Do you think she is getting to used to the finer things in life at too early an age?

Am I a bad Daddy for giving her such cravings?

Oh dear.

I am bored so has been a reading of that there Wikipedia.

Now it seems that most people think of pirates as being free speaking, a little foul mouthed and generally uninhibited. There could be a reason for this.

Brain Damage.

Many pirates would have served in the Royal Navy before going over to the other side. The “stereotypical demeanour” of these chaps could be due to the vast amounts of alcohol they used to get as normal rations. 17th- 18th century sailors used to get a lot of free booze! The Navy “rum” ration (it could also be made up of other spirits such as Brandy) was a pint a day. The booze back then was much stronger apparently so in modern terms it equates to a BOTTLE a day, but they also got EIGHT PINTS of small beer. That amount of booze over a long period could do things to your melon!

So we have the formula:

Glug glug glug = I’m a pirate!

But, the most common injury aboard naval vessels, outnumbering injuries in battle even, was head trauma from running into low bulkheads!

This gives us Glug glug glug x Smack da noggin repeatedly = I’m a pirate!

All this boozing and head banging (which describes most of the 80’s for me) could, apparently lead to Wernicke – Korsakoff syndrome, frontal lobe damage that could lead to a lack of inhibition in speech and behaviour.

So there you have it. Be kind to pirates.

They has da brain faliurezzzz!

Yesterday afternoon I nipped out for a "sammich" from Prets.

I went past the doorman, as I had done a couple of times that afternoon for ciggie breaks, and went about my sandwich hunting.

I cam back not long after walking swiftly into the foyer and round to the lifts - I was in a hurry because I was freezing and starving.

Now I know that since cutting off my hair I look different, but the dickhead had seen me at least twice before that afternoon, so why did he come rushing out of his little booth going "Excuse me! excuse me! do you have a pass!"

I nearly shouted "OF COURSE I DO YOU C*NT! HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW THAT ATTEMPT TO BREAK INTO AN OFFICE DURING NORMAL WORKING HOURS ARMED WITH A FUCKING SANDWICH!"

But I mearly smiled at stuck my security photo pass under the twats nose.

For some reason this little episode made me really angry.

And when I got to S&F's last night, there were 21 emails telling me I had replies to comments and posts. They were all hours late and as I knew I was not getting any replies sent to me, I had been checking my posts "manually" all afternoon and had seen them all in the flesh, as it were.

So blogging today should be interesting. I will have to remind my self that I am still wildly popular and read avidly (ahem) even though it will appear that no one love me anymore due to the tumbleweed blowing through my inbox.

Anyway, it's Friday - Hope all your coming weekends rock like a rocking thing.

And who ever else you may be

Don't get sand in your crack now y'here!

So the geezer doing the training thing turned up half an hour late, but with a new "idiots guide" that I used. I followed the steps and found it quite do-able! An idiots guide that worked on the idiot who is supposed to use it! Result!

OK, he did still appear to have had dogshit on toast for breakfast, but as I didn't have to ask him too many quesions he didn't have to speak much so that helped.

Now I am free to go to lunch and forget it all....

Ah, that could be a problem.

In other news, the BASTARD fire alarms are going off for 5 seconds in every 20 here and are possibly going to be doing it for the next two hours. LLWNTS!

it could be a long lunch then..

Sitting waiting for the geezer who is going to show me how to do this new role thing to show up and make with the training and glavin.....

Bored is not the word for it.

God I'm knackered.

So I am doing this to make a change from just tapping my fingers on the desk and smoking too many ciggies. The wonders of having a blog eh?

I do hope this fella has brushed his teeth this morning because last time it smelt like he had had dogshit on toast for breakfast.

See what I have to put up with!

If it is that bad, I may have to let fly with a "butlers revenge" type horse and cart just to balance out the odours.

Are you not just filled with joy at me giving you such a candid view of my world?

No?

Oh please yer self!

This morning as I walked down the road to the station, a very handsome black cat came padding up to me meowing away. It then, very pointedly, walked across my path and sat down on the other side of the pavement. I smiled and looked back at it as I walked off and if followed me for a while meowing all the way.

Now I don’t think that a black cat crossing my path is a bad thing personally. Or a good thing even, it’s just a thing that happened.

And I know today is going to be a bugger anyway as I have to have another go at learning that damn computer system thing (so won’t be on much this morning – blog world cheers, hangs up the bunting and decides to start posting wonderful and amusing things in my absence just to annoy me) so it is not going to be a classic is it?

So I can’t blame the cat for a day that is already buggered. But just now in the canteen a £5 note mysteriously went missing from my pocket. Hmmm, I thought – “bloody cat’s fault”

But then it reappeared in the same pocket a minute later when I got back in the office. “Oh, the cat did that – thanks”

See, I am nothing but fair in my madness.

In other news, that game I mentioned in my last post regarding the searching for images using the names of your ex’s – it’s “quite entertaining” as it turns out.

Ahem.

Could go to bed.

Could sit here wondering why no one is blogging much.

Could go trolling about looking for potential new friends.

Could phone someone and do my "famous" impression of the Darth Vader/Ben Kenobi showdown in Star Wars.......hang on, already done that.

Could go looking on the internet for something entertaining. (and seeing as I am a bloke we all know how that is going to end up. Ahem)

Could do that game where you take the filters off your search engine and search for images by typing in all your ex partners names. I think it's called "Christ she never looked like THAT! mores the pity"

Could have a twang on a guitar, not plugged in of course.

OR.

I could do the sensible thing and go to bed, as I do have to deal with some rather complicated old bollocks tomorrow that I tried to get my head round last week and failed miserably.

But if I can't do it tired and with a slight hangover, its never gonna work is it?

Ho hum.

Grrr! I am no longer getting notifications of replies to posts! Even when at work I noticed this and check that the box for getting email notifications was ticked (and it was) cant check it now because the damn site is too slow again from home. Using the laptop jackobite lent me helped for a couple of weeks but now, when I do finaly get in to my own blog I get the low graphics version, and that only after an age of waiting. And getting into other peoples blogs or going onto the next page is a bloody no-no!

Even a friend told me today that trying to look at the site as a visitor was taking ages from their supa doopa work pc! something is going on.

Mind you, I am not doing well with tech today. Two texts sent to me this morning at 8.30 only got to me at 4.10 this afternoon!

Tonight we had the first couple come to look at the house. They were nice but did not seem that impressed. I hope we get some more viewings soon. I was nervous as hell before they got here for some reason but was calm once they arrived. We shall see.

And thank you "you know who" for the sick text about a recently deceased childs tv presenter, which I am sure he sent to many of you. I forwarded it a bit myself. Ahem.

Anyway, please dont think I am ignoring your comments today, I just didn't realise till I checked some of my posts that I had any.

And what with the site being (seemingly at least) a bit slow from here I may not be doing much blogging tonight.

But have a good evening all of you.

Je suis tres BORED!

Manager is gone for the day, I am "on top" of all my work (ahem) and need distraction.

Also possibly picking up my mortgage cert tonight from the estate agents.....oh yay! someone has agreed to make me skint for the rest of my life. Yip fucking Eeeeee!

And of course I am going "home".

So, I DEMAND ENTERTAINMENT!

Was a time roun' these parts (said Nick slipping into his old Western prospecter routine) whena all yus could see on here wuz amuszin' posts for miles and miles....tales of pervy welsh custard, Cats doing fings on camera wid dem there amoosin' captions...people confessin' all kindsa crap...shucks. 'Taint like da old days adalll..

COME ON PEOPLE.

GET YA FINGERS OUT!

I have been looking round this office floor at the “hairstyles” of the other blokes. This cropped head look is very “in” it appears. People older than me and younger than me, it is quite a widespread look.

Which means that I now look like one of them!

Well OK, I am not wearing the shirt and tie and suit malarkey – still in the black t-shirts and combats and clumpy boots, but I look almost normal now!

I know having long hair in a F.Rossi stylee while going bald gave many people a good chance to laugh and point, but at least I had a little bit of difference between me and “them”

Now if I was to stand in an airport departure lounge this summer wearing an “Engerland” football top you would not be able to pick me out from all the other crop headed brits mooching about with there 2.4 kids in identical garb.

Urrrrgh.

Maybe I need more tattoos………

Just went to get the lift down and out to the land of happy cigginess, and as I was stood waiting two young ladies joined me in the waiting for the lift ritual. They had both just come out of some meeting or another and one of them was holding a plate of “spare” yummy looking biscuits of the Jammy Dodger variety.

We got in the lift and as we descended they stopped chatting to each other and one of them said

“Would you like a biscuit?” to moi.

“My mother always said Never take biscuits from strange women in lifts”

“She was very far sighted!” said the biccy profferer.

“Well she was on a major course of drugs at the time” I offered.

Well at least they laughed.

My managers bosses boss, stick with me here, has just taken away my phone from my desk. Not because I use it so much, but because it has a speaker phone facility.

She is in a meeting with a couple of bods and they need to talk to a couple of other bods somewhere on this planet or something.

Anyway.

She said, "shall I plug this one from this desk in to your line?"

"Nah, I don't mind not getting any phone calls for an hour" Jokingly.

She said, "OK" and went off to her meeting. With my phone. I has no phone on my desk for an hour at least.

Re fucking sult!

In other news I also scared the pants off her when I came out of the lift down stairs this monring and nearly walked into her. She was not aware of my new very short haired status.

The look on her face was a picture. Open mouthed shock.

"When did that happen!"

daft person. Like I have to put my hairdressing activities in the team drive so everyone will know.

Recently appeared on a building near here.

Now look top Right.

Yep there is a real cctv camera mounted on the wall.

Cheeky bugger.

I know it doesn't look like it from the freeze frame image, but this is safe to veiw.

No man could resist...........

ahem.

I don't know about you, but once I meet someone that I don't like or that fucks me about I take against anyone that goes by the same name.

Now that is unfair and very illogical, but I just do.

This was a problem when we were thinking of names for our unborn child, as some names where suggested that I just said "oh no! not ever!" to.

So when I meet someone who goes by one of these black balled names I have to remind myself to give them a chance and be reasonable.

There is one name which I wont mention here (in case you or your other half are called that), that I dislike alot as I have never met one of "them" that I liked.

But later this week I have to spend a day in a work related capacity with someone I just don't get on with or relate to in any shape or form. I have tried, but it just don't work. We are just SO different.

And his name is Nick.

Bugger.

And shipscook, Sarah and I were scampering along the battlements overlooking the Thames mucking about with the big guns.

We found one that you could still crank left and right, and up and down. Much fun was had for twenty minutes with Sarah at the fire control cranking the gun up and down with me on the other platform, panning the gun left to right and shipscook took up the loading station.

It's quite amazing the worried looks that come over the faces of skippers of small yachts and speed boats as they go past when they notice that a big fuck off gun in the fort is actually tracking their vessel as it sails by.

"Oh look darling, its Tilbury fort. How nice"

"yes it's an English Heritage site you know. Soon be back in our luxury flat in docklands sweety for some champers and pervy sex"

"I can't help noticing that one of those big gun things is actually tracking us, and there appears to be a manically grinning eight year old in pink aiming the damn thing at us, and a woolly hatted nutter with a touch of the pirate about him cranking it round. Mind you, Rasputin seems to be on the loading duty. Could this boat go a little bit FUCKING FASTER! do you think? Honey? Darling? Hmmm!??"

Well we had fun anyway so fuck 'em.

Looking at the "featured blogs" chart rolling truck stones thing just outside, or on the home page or WHATEVER, I noticed that I am underneath Rowtheboat, but on top of Soy....................

MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Filling in a feeeeemale blogger saaaaaaaaaaaannndwichhhhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

I appear to be drowning in drool.

But I thought today was a bit quiet on blog.

Well, the thing is - what with people taking breaks from blogging, being down, slashing and burning blogs or effing off into a new profile ages ago and making me think something bad had happened to them because I had heard nothing from them for weeks or whatever, it seemed like not quite the normal friday.

Yes alot of you on my friends list did post and if I had the inclination to wander wider than my friends list I would find stuff to make me smile or think, but when your at work you cant normally do the happy wanderer bit - you just go to your normal ports of call for a quick fix of whatever.

There just seems to be one of those "blog moods" about. I know I only see a very small fraction of the posts that go up on here, so maybe happy happy joy joy was rife all day. But not that I could see.

I dont know what I am trying to say and to all of you on my friends list who posted today and commented and such - I am not calling you dull!

But, ya know?

it was just odd.

Has been for a couple of days.

It's probably just me.

In other news..

Sarah loves my new hair cut. I am her cuddley soft hedgehog daddy.

Thank god for that.

In other other news,

I has BLOG MEH!

BLOG MEH.....I HAS IT!

I couldn't believe it, there we were both naked at midnight in the cold on Devils Bridge IN FUCKING WALES no less and she turns to me and asks "did you bring the cheese"!

I want you to write a post (if you can be arsed) with an opening line that you think, knowing you, most people on here would believe and want you to finish.

It has of course got to be made up, as telling the truth or actually using an incident from you past is cheating.

I think we need a bit of Friday daftness. Copy this in the top of your post if you want or explain before giving your line, and if any of you wanna have a go title your post Friday Challenge, or summink.

Or you could just not bovver.................

In that thing at the bottom of your "my blog uk" page, where it shows recent media from your friends list ya know?

Well there appears to be a picture of a naked bloke standing in a bathroom looking down at his tackle area.

Now, I don't know if it has been blogged yet but.......

Well reeeeeeeeely.

Watching the TV a couple of days ago, and there was Edward Woodward being interviewed. I dont know if you saw it, but this actor know for his role in "the Equaliser" and (for us older kids) "Callan" used to smoke. a bit.

Guess how many he used to get through a day?

Go on.

30?

60?

Nope

100

and he must be in his 60's now. But of course he has given up. So you see. Smoke too much and die young.

or something.

Is the thing when you have lost a limb but can still feel sensations from it as if it was still attached.

I am sort of having that with my missing hair!

This morning after putting on my t-shirt I went to pull the non existent ponytail out of the neck hole, only to find it gone.

When I bent over to pick up my bag on the way out, I was waiting for it to slide round over my shoulder and fall in front of me, which obviously it didn't.

And when I pass the right earphone from my mp3 behind my neck my right hand still goes to lift it up out of the way!

But I am enjoying my new look.

I is rubbing my stubble at you all as I type this!

MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm stubble.

Actually it's quite soft. So there.

The deed is done.

After a mind burstingly frustrating day at work, I decided it was time to the my head de-haired. A number one crop was on the cards.

So I left work and went to a very small barbers in Soho, half praying they would be shut.

This place is so small it has basically enough room for the door to open and one barbers chair. When I got there, there was a fella in said chair and his mate standing in the doorway. It was a sign, so I thought - "Not today sonny!"

BUT, as I stood there I noticed that just round to the left of the chair I could see was another, and sitting in it was a very cute young lady reading a paper. She saw me in the mirror and jumped up to open the door.

"'air cut sir?" Oh god her accent! sexy and Italian, dark eyes and short dark hair, olive skin. Eeeeeep!

"Yeah, number one please." I removed my woolly hat.

She looked and smiled

"Number one? allova? yes?"

"Yep, its about time. but could you do me a small favour? This will sound weird but could you keep a bit for a friend of mine?"

At this point the young guy who had been cutting the chaps hair next to me said something to the girl in Italian and then stopped working and came over.

"I cut this and keep for you." He indicated the two foot of hair hanging down my back.

"Me, three days ago I cut mine. Same as you. I keep also, this is good one. Many good memories. I know this, please?" He brandished a pair of scissors and I let him at it. Snip.

"you keep in this hair band, I get bag for you ok?"

"brilliant, thank you."

I sit in the chair and look at myself and burst out laughing. I now have a hairstyle that looks like something Rik sported in "the young ones" I wish I had taken a photo.

"so, namber wan yes?" she says.

"yes please. I think I will just shut my eyes so I get a nice surprise"

"No you don have to. Jus don cry eh?"

"I wont be able to stop giggling!"

And I didn't. Already these two had helped the stress of the day loosen. But as this cute woman set about my head with the trimmer, I found the vibrations passing through my rapidly emerging scalp very relaxing. I could feel the stress dropping away with my hair. And to help it along the hottie kept brushing her hand over my head to clear away the hair, and that felt VERY nice.

"So is done, you see?" I open my eyes.

Fuck. I think it looks good! bit more gray than you could see when it was full length but not the horror site I was expecting.

"Is better" the girl nods to herself.

She continues to tidy me up and do the brushing with the hand thing. For gods sake woman! at least have the decency to look like Quasimodo's little sister and not so damn good if your gonna keep doing that or it's gonna get embarrassing!

Then she sets about me with that soft brush thingey, all over my head. Oh my, even that felt good.

So good I almost asked for something for the weekend.

Ahem.

She finishes and looks at me, smiles and says again "yes, is better."

BUT

When I go into work tomorrow.........oh boy.

I know I will get the piss taken alot, but I will have to practice my mad axe killer stares to silence them all. Hmm, need to see if Esspee gives lessons........

Got a text last night from Big Al, which was a suprise.

"Remember tomorrow is national hug a retard day. Don't freak out like you did last year. They are not trying to hurt you"

Probably.

So

Got a envelope containing three free sim cards from vodaphone (which, despite what they say in the letter I DID NOT express an interest, and why did they make reference to a conversation WHICH WE NEVER FUCKING HAD!) because the three mobile numbers I call most are not on vodaphone and if, like a generous soul, I give them one of these sim cards I could save money. Why would anyone do that? what about all the friends these people not on vodaphone already have? why would they want a new number just to let ME save money talking to them and then have to tell all their other friends the new number. Seems mental to me.

And yes, all the numbers listed were bloggers.

Am going to be doing a lot of sitting around going "EH?" today as I have to learn a new programme - the one I tried to learn on line remember. The geezer what does the work I am taking over is coming down to show me what to do and how to do it. Well that is what he thinks. So wont be around much, well I think I wont be.

Did any of you nosey gits go have a look at my soon to be ex abode on line?

I think I might need to get a bit tiddly tonight.

I am also in one of those phases where blogging does not seem to make sense anymore. I am wondering what the point is, but fear not - I am not going to delete.

In other news I has the mentals!

I HAS THEM.

"you need a bath and a hair wash"

"Noooo."

"Sarah, your hair needs washing. When did you last have a bath?"

She tells me and I go into full on amature dramatic shocked parent mode.

"You dirty little thing! You. Are. Having. A. Bath. and. Hairwash."

"Cant I just have a hair wash. I don't even want that."

"Shower?"

"Nah."

A little lightbulb comes on over my head.

"How about a Jacuzzi?"

"Awhatnow?"

"Jacuzzi - water jets swirling around you, nice aromatic bath oil making it all bubbly and nice........."

A grin spreads across her face

"yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

I am win.

But, she could have been holding out for a Jacuzzi all the time.

BUGGER!

I have just been manipulated by a female AGAIN!

Will I ever learn?

Leaving me, here in this house and going out leaving me with nothing but DECAF coffee!

You are an absolute bunch of rotters, Ships and Mrs F! A quick trip to the shops is in order.

Just looked on Rightmove and there is my house. There is the kitchen, bathroom, music room (looking very tidy and very devoid of guitars, comparatively anyway)

Oh god it feels odd.

But still. You too could go and have a nose around.....if you know what to look for. (Clues, east London 290,000 to 300,000 price range and up within the last three days.)

You can see the scene of the crime as it were.

Sarah is a bit sad regarding the house sale. I will try to cheer her up today. It's the only home she has ever known so its understandable I suppose.

Well that kicks off a bit of a lump of meh.

Better go wake Sarah up and get brekkie sorted.

Although seeing as you are still as far as I know, living it up in Tenerife, I should say YOU UTTER BASTARD!

We had bloody SNOW here you git!

Still, have a good one fella.

Bye.

XxX

(EDIT - this seems to have confused a couple of you so I will explain. I am not going anywhere, I had 90 friends this morning and I now have 89. I was just saying goodbye to them.)

I don’t have much time to think about what I am going to put on in the mornings. I just grab something clean and craw inside it, and go out. Well I is an bloke, that’s what we do.

Sometimes I should think it through a bit though. Just having a ciggie outside and I looked down and realised that my black fatigue trousers and medium blue t-shirt make me look like a walking bruise.

Oh well.

I know, it’s a load of rubbish but Pisces stars in the metro this morning.

“You’re spreading happy vibes around as if there were no tomorrow. In fact, that could well be your motto right now – live for the day. And why not? It’s working. You’re having a ball.”

Eckskeeewzer me?!

This ia a what now I am having?

Well working on the theory that if this here ball thing is not happening to me, it must logically be happening to one of you other fish out there.

So own up!

Which one of you lucky buggers is happy as a pig in poo and having that there ball thing I have heard tell of?

EH????????

Edit. I can assure all you good and luvvverlleeeee people, that I am not the fish having the fun. Oh no.

These are the little wooden boats I got at the farmers market at the weekend. One for me and one for Sarah.

Hers is either called "The Yellow Pearl" or "The un-jolly Roger Moore" (she changes her mind.) Mine is "The Chocolate Starfish"

When you get into the lift and stand in front of the buttons, stab madly at the one floor you want and ignore the person behind you who asks you to also press the button above the one you are stabbing like it has done something rotten to your mother. Then igonre the fact that the long beeping sound you can here is the sensor alarm on the door, and fail to notice totally that it is going off because you are stood in front of the buttons with your stupidly large red computer bag thing sticking out and obstructing the doors.

Yes, the lift was going nowhere because YOU are a clueless fuckwit.

Then to make yourself look really clever, run to the other lift and catch that one, as the one you are in is clearly not working just to spite you.

Wanker.

I bet he is on three times what I earn.................

I needs it!

Something salty in my mouth is needed within the next five minutes.

And yes Landers, you can have as much fun with that thought as you like, while I go out for a packet of crisps or something.

Apparently the estate agent has been round and measured up our house, photographed it and done the video camera wotsit for the 360 degree "virtual tour"

Anyone would think it was a site of national interest or something.

So the house will be on the market sometime this week.

I feel a bit odd about that. I don't know why.

Yes, it snowed.

And like every other blogger with a camera I took loads of photos of it. Well there was a forest just up the road so it seemed rude not to. But I will just bore you with this one for now.

Be warned. More may follow this evening. I'd book a table somewhere away from the internet if I was you.

Anyway, so there I was out in the garden with Sarah doing snow type things when I recieved a text from one of our most poetical wordsmiths of blog - "IT DO BIG SNOW!" it said. The whirring sound is Wordsworth spinning in his grave...........

So we went to the farmers market, I purchased two small wooden model ships, complete with all them sails and stuff. One for me and one for Sarah, well you do don't you.

This post seems to be going nowhere. Oh well, it was one of those weekends. Fun.

And now I am going to fall asleep.

Sorry to bother you all.

Al Murray, the pub landlord on his show tonight. Does the regular bit about Queen being the greatest rock band in the world but not coming on his show "listing some excuses that would make Duran Duran look bad" (that's not the quote) and then cut to the pub toilets to see who this weeks band are.....

The shot changes and there is a well known mop of hair and some other fellas...

"FUCK ME IT'S QUEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!! ................with Paul Rodgers"

Ahem.

They are not that easily impressed.

In Mollys (the pub I visit on very rare occasions at lunchtime) the owner has two little white West Highland terriers. They often go out for a walk with the owner around lunch time, no leads on – they just trot around behind him through the bustling streets of Soho happily wagging their tails.

Today, one of the barman – the one that was not up a step ladder sticking show posters to the ceiling, don’t ask – went to get rid of some rubbish and tried to get the dogs to go out with him. I was stood outside having a ciggie at the time, and they came out behind him and surveyed the world beyond the nice cool stone floor of the pub. They saw hundreds of people, and all the potential fussing opportunities, they sniffed the air full of the smells of lunchtime food emporiums going full pelt, they saw the sun, they saw all those lamp posts that needed watering…..

And what did they do?

They did a wonderful doggy version of “Meh”

And went back into the pub.

It must be terrible to be so jaded and have four legs.

An hurty arm.

An trapped nerve in my neck.

An hangoverette.

An dustbowl where my mouth used to be.

An big grin on my face.

and problems with my grammar, apparently.

Stop hurting.

If you stop hurting now, I will take you to the pub at lunchtime.

Yes, I know that is why you hurt today but I am doing my best here ya know!

Just stop it.

Thank you.

My stars in the metro today.

“You’re doing well and you know it. A riotously good end to the week, with that Pisces moon still encouraging confidence and charisma. Tackle tough tasks head-on because you have what it takes to win.”

Hmmmm, if I am not naked under a pile of cocaine covered lovelies by the end of the day, I will be complaining. And me, with confidence…well bollocks really.

And this tackling tough tasks malarkey. Got no idea about that one at all.

Hard at it here at weird inc..........not.

This training thing is now, due to the day off in between starting it and resuming it, going straight over my heeeed.

But on Thursday of next week, some geezer is going to come down and show me how he uses it because I am basically taking over a task from him. So why am I doing this stupid online thingey when I am going to be shown exactly what parts of the confusing bugger of a programme I need and not the ins and outs of every application? Because someone told me to.

In other news it is bloody hot in this office.

In further other news, I am well into clock watching because I cannot wait for the end of this day.

Another thrilling post from the makers of "My desk hurts" "I just saw a bee!" and "she has a great arse"

Its amazing how busy you can be when you spend all day doing nothing.

Yesterday was spent doing various domestic chores and checking Sarah was OK and fed, and the day just wizzed by.

Today I am back at work, and after yesterday I don't feel too bad. Tuesday was an actual huge pig of a day for the miseries and yesterday was a polar opposite thankfully.

Now today I was almost tempted to put the old "window dog" avatar back up - but that would be tempting fate.

Because I still have to do the rest of that damn online trianing course, we shall see how my mood progresses and if any monkeys turn up.

I hope you all have a good/better/bearable day today.

And if you don't - it's not my fault OK?

And I am not doing too well so far.

I am at home looking after Sarah for today as its half term, and we have only been up for about an hour and a bit. Shameful - I will teach her all my bad ways if I keep this up. Must instil a good work ethic and such.....Oh sod it, she's only 8.

So we have not long had brekkie and She is playing on her DS and I am playing on here.

Plans for the rest of the day? Who knows.

Right now its time to evict her from the DS/Sofa interface and get her in a bath because her hair needs a good wash and condition.

Anyway, might not be around much today - but at least my mood is way way better than yesterday.

Now, more lovely filter coffee for me I think.

Today has been a bit of a pit of a day mood wise.

Even so, I cant half be a snappy overdramatic twat sometimes.

So yes, an email did get lost. And yes some confusion occured. But did I need to get all snappy with a friend, and then cut off contact and not answer my phone as they rang it and ignore it all the way down Tottenham Court Road even though I knew it was them?

No I didnt. But I was having a full on, prime "billowy shirt" moment and was having a strop, to put it mildly.

But I came to my senses and said sorry.

And all is cool now.

But I wish I didn't just blow up like that sometimes. Not in a big violent way, but in a moody emotional way. I hate it when I do it and I know I am being stupid. Well I do afterwards. At the time I am too pig headed and full of blackness to give a shit.

Nice guy huh?

Will I be able to use this new programme on my pc.

I am just over half way through the introduction training and IT IS NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!

I am looking at my PC the way that most people look at me when I start going on about guitars! Glazed look in eyes, nodding from time to time and inside thinking "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT!"

Oh God, just end it all now.

Meh.

Edit: I have given up on it for today, I am only halfway through and I just cant take anymore. This of course means I have to go back to it tomorrow but......NO! I have a day off tomorrow. Which will be spent looking after sarah at "Home".

Which means I will be doing the rest of it on Thursday, which means by Thursday evening I will be a gibbering wreck and in need of a rubber walled sound proof room to scream in.

I have just seen the "mother" of Dr who assistant "Martha Jones" walk past our building.

Meh.

It has just exploded.

When, as you sit waiting for your on-line learning course to load, you notice the strap line under the companies name that goes

"e-learning for the knowledge economy"

I mean, what exactly the FUCK is that supposed to mean!

And yes, I am only a little way through the start of the intro and my moobs have dropped off through boredom and I dont' know what the fuck they are going on about. And there is an option to have someone read it all out to you in a voice that is rather too much like Stephen Hawking.

But as he is speaking slower than I can read, he has been turned off.

Bugger all this.

Time for a ciggie break then back to being confused and made to feel stuppit!

I has on-line training course to do.

Oh joy.

Thats three fun filled hours ahead of me.

Meh, meh and thrice meh..........

Not just here at work.

Here - in this day.

I don't like it.

Meh.