And my god did it taste good!

Oh yes! a 3 x 2 inch slab of Dark rich chocolate porn from Minerva's in Bath featuring a vair interesting position from a book called the Karma Chameleon. Or Sutra. Or something.

Anyway. It has been nommed now.

And much yumming was done.

Eh? What did you think I meant?

you dirty, dirty bastids!!!!!

Bacon and Eggs.

Leather Jackets and Motorbikes.

Broken limbs and plaster casts.

Canisten and itches down below.

Hayfever sneezes and broken ribs.

Dark Chocolate and Red wine.

I have had one of the things on this list tonight.

And as far as I know, Green and Blacks don't make thrush cream.

So I am happy.

Does anyone else find the ad for this game a little disturbing?

Not the fact that Slash emerges from the guy playing the game by pushing his arm out of the guys mouth and shedding him like an old skin, but the fact the slash looks a little, erm - pudgy, shall we say.....

Ah well.

At least HE still has all his hair.

And a ton of money.

And women.

And drugs.

And guitars.

and..........

oh fuckit.

Yes, OK - I admit it. I like graphic novels.

Which basically means I am too lazy to go buy a comic every whenever it comes out and also cant be arsed.

But I do get the odd compilation type thingey where they put seven or eight issues in one book.

The latest one of these I just got is the first volume in the "Preacer" series - "Going down to Texas"

Bloody great it was. Full of gun fights, blood, swearing, Angels getting drunk and swearing and threatening one another, a vampire, rednecks, Demons, serial killings, and a touch of "will they?, won't they?" romance, a preacher who lost his faith but now has huge power and a talking paper clip called "Wanga".

OK, I lied about the last bit with the paper clip.

Hey dont look at me like that.

I do also read proper books ya know........

But if I actually stumble over something like this, which in truth I had heard good stuff about, I enjoy it just as much as a regular book.

At the weekend. (clike to see full size.)

The pump room at Bath, where we had second breakfast/lunch.

In Bath cathedral

The two pictures of Bath EVERYBODY takes.

The interiour of the Raj Poot curry house, where EVERYBODY should go when in Bath

Saturday, the Chalice Well gardens at Glastonbury.

The ruined Abbey at Glastonbury.

So there. And don't think you have got off lightly....there are the poncey "lookit meeeeee, I is an photogramapher!" ones to go on the photography blog, and the friends only ones showing peoples boatraces that I may put up as well!

So ner!

Is basically what my weekend consisted of.

On Saturday we all left the Rancho Collapso and piled into Mrs F's other car and went a charging off in the direction of Glastonbury. Shipscook was on navigation duties (ahem) I was on nodding off duty and Sarah was on Nintendo DS duty.

The weather started out bright and sunny and then turned all manner of yuck. We had a stop off for refreshments and historical archeomalogical doings in Avebury, and due to the appalling windy and wet weather we decided that getting blown off the top of Glastonbury Tor was not going to be on the cards so we should head straight to Bath. Which we did.

It was there that I had to buy a new outdoorsy waterproof coat type thing, as my old one was still hanging on the banisters at the bottom of the stairs at Rancho collapso.

Then we did the pump room, vair posh - for coffee and second breakfast for certain hobbit types and some glasses of very smelly Spring water. We even had a piano accompaniment.

After that a bit more shopping then down into the subterranean wonder of the Raj Poot curry house. Oh man. Just go, its great - the food rocks.

Saturday and British summer time kicks in like someone had flicked a switch - great weather!

So off and up early to Glastonbury, and into the chalice well gardens just as they opened. Sarah got her bottle of spring water that she collected herself from the Lions head outlet, and we showed her around the Garden and took her to the well itself. It is just so relaxing there. I love it, so does Sarah.

Then into the town where I was forced at almost gun point into a cafe called "THE 100 MONKEYS" yes me, in a place called that. But it was good, great local beers and ciders and very good food. I even drank one called "Love Monkey", under protest mind.

And then a Walk round the ruins in the Abbey Garden, then home.

A busy weekend but it was fun.

And now your all bored I will bugger of but leave you with a warning.

Oh yes, there will be piccies later so be warned. More boredom ahead for you lot.

So there you are, with a brand new jar of instant coffee in front of you. You screw off the lid and are presented with the impossibly taut foil seal over the mouth of the jar.

Oh yes. How inviting is that? It just lies there and says, “Abuse me! Break me! DO IT!”

Ahem.

So, how do you go about it? Are you a practical sort and just stick your spoon through it? Do you use your finger to penetrate it (shudder of pervy pleasure) or do you do something else?

Me, I smack it with my thumb in a manor much like a mid 80’s slap bass player repeatedly till it breaks, then tear off the remaining foil and get to the granulated goodness inside.

I would of course rather have good filter coffee, but this is a crappy office.

And no, I am NOT weird.

In other news, I am shaking like a shitting dog. Nothing to do with coffee either.

"I had a dream last night that all the babies prevented by the pill came back. Boy were they pissed off"

Steven Wright.

To not smoke as much as I did yesterday.

To stay awake after a late night and some wineage.

To learn how to use a new computer programme for work.

To not swear at my computer telling me its low on virtual memory.

To not call people wankers when they use the lift to go from the ground floor to the first.

To not let the monkeys land.

But I am going to fall flat on my face with the smokey thing as I am in desperate need of a ciggie because the woman with the annoying voice is yakking rather loudly and its far too early for that sort of torture.

You know the voice people do when they are taking the micky out of someone with a Brummie accent?

There is a woman in our office today who talks in that voice naturally.

meh.

Hope your day is filled with good cider and cheap women cigarettes

Have a good one.

I has the things to do.

I have a report to investigate and jig around with.

I have a new computer programme thingey to learn how to use. By the end of the week.

I have a number of reports to attack and finish off, which gives me the right to send emails to people who earn a lot more than I do and have a gentle go at them to enquire why they have not done anything yet. Which is always fun.

But.

Meh.

Just spotted music celeb baiter and bitch extrodinare Simon Amstell outside, you know - the presenter of "Never Mind the Buzzcocks"

Two things, he is the same hieght as me (which for some reason is always a suprise, I always assume people on tv are taller...) and he is even thinner in real life than on the tv!

Oh well. I knew you'd be impressed.

Back to work.

Do you do that? Do you give an inanimate object a name?

I know that some of you out there have given your cars names, but what else have you given a moniker to?

The only “things” that I have that would be worthy of a name are my guitars, but so far I have never really done it.

I remember once on holiday in Corfu, I named the mountain bike I had hired for the day “Marchant” after a bicycle in a Robert Rankin book, but that’s about as far as I got with the giving things names lark.

And is the naming of cars thing more of a female trait? Do you male drivers give your cars a little something to call them by? Or are they all called “Start ya bastid!”

Anyway you can tell I am bored.

I am also bloody freezing!

So tell me what you have named and why?

OK, that was the long weekend over, and now I sit here waiting for the blogs telling me how well it went, how stationery it was, how howl inducingly mental it was, how stuffed with chocolate it was........

And so on.

I would tell you about mine but I have done already.

And as nothing blog worthy happened on the way to the office I am waiting for you lot to entertain me.

I will say this though, its a bit odd here without Jacobite sitting behind me. I hope his new job goes well.

Now, as this pc is being a bit sluggish I am going to go do the deletion of cookies and disk cleanup and defrag routine that always takes ages. I am not doing this to avoid work you understand, but to enable me to work quickly and efficiently.

Mind you if they would just get me a new pc........

I will not be holding my breath for that one.

I would like to say a few things.

But if you are not on Mrs F's friends list you won't know what sparked this off.

We, the chaps of this abode, were doing the channel hop with the remote - as ya dooooo - and we found something that looked like it would go well with our large glasses of red wine.

A film on five US called "Indecent Behaviour 4" that was prefaced with the warning "contains nudity and bad language from the start"

Hmmmmm.

Lets just check this out. The title "Indecent Behaviour" - not bad, a mix of a couple of other films, a hint of naughty rude stuff. But FOUR! if I had never heard of the first one (which I had not) is there any law of sequels where the higher the number the better the content? I THINK NOT!

So. Mrs F is in here in the computer room and she can hear myself and Shipscook laughing and saying "they dont move, they are soooo plastic. Mind you she has a good arse!" and the sound of some not very convincing female moaning and assumes that we, the two most pure and upstanding bloggers you could ever wish to find giggling in the corner of a strip club bar, are actually watching PORN!

Well bah and tish!

In my dictionary (and large blue box of naughtyness) porn is filled with way less plot, much more explicit close up camera work and far less bloody silicon!

I mean, some of the characters actually are doing that acting thing! they were talking to each other and developing a PLOT! that, ladies and gents IS NOT PORN!

If you see two characters in a two consecutive scenes and they still have not had intimate knowledge of a number of each others orifices and a few household implements then frankly - the producer needs shooting.

So.

Shipscook and I are not guilty. We are just watching a crap film full of plastic boobs and pert arses.

No harm, no foul.

ahem.

More wine Vicar?

Just check in just to ease your cold turkey shakes from being deprived of my fantasticly entertaining witterings, my poor neglected 0.5 of a reader. Am I good to you or what!

Soooooo, the weekend so far. As those of you that can access Mrs F's blog will know, Sarah has been with us since Thursday night and just went back to mummy today. Just managed to arrive home in a hail storm and once Sarah was delivered I had great fun loading a Marshall 2x12 speaker cab, a big storage box of assorted tat of mine and a small flight case full of power leads into Mrs F's car, along with about two pounds of ice in the form of said hail.

On Friday we trekked to Walton on the naze to see what we could see and hunt for fossils on the beach. When we got there the weather was foul. And I dont mean if consisted of pheasants and partidges, it was COLD, windy and generally in black and white. So we ducked into the amusment arcade on the peir and I had to take Sarah on some rides and such. Then we had to go have a warm up in a hostelry (ahem) then we found one of those fantastic Fish and Chip restaurants that only seem to exist in coastal towns. The fish was fantastic and we all had a good feed up.

Then down onto the beach and hunty hunty for fossils. And by golly we found some! A few bis of fossilised wood and a couple of ammonites (if that is not spelt right, blame Mrs F for wandering out of yelling range) Then home via a garden centre (!) that had a display of ickle chicken chics and lambs - live ones, not stuffed and all deeeed, well it made Sarah happy and that is the main thing.

Today we changed our plans due to the weather being even more changeable and cold and went out to yet another bloody garden centre that has an aquatic shop in it to get Sarah some fish. She got a nice little fantail and some form of loach to clean the tank, and they are now keeping the Moffs only remaining gold fish company. Sarah is dead chuffed.

After the fish buying we came back and varnished the shells and fossils sarah had collected and went to lunch in the Cafe Rouge while they dried. Sarah actually ate quite a lot, as she has all weekend. Its hard to get her to eat a full meal - she seems to be more of a "grazer" but I think she is getting better.

Now she is at home with mummy and we have just seen a humungous firework display in one of the neighbours gardens that must have cost a smallish fortune, seriously impressive explosive firepower there next door dooods! light up the sky or what!

So now we are going to eat some home made Kebabs and have a nice relaxing drinkie. or two.

So far its been a good weekend.

The only problem being that now the Marshall 2x12 is here, and the Marshall 20/20 valve power amp is here (which is fupping deafening - loud enough to cope with the most heavy handed of drummers even) and the Vox tonelab has been here for weeks..........

If I link them all up tomorrow, I could REEEEELY make the neighbours jump!

No no. Must be good. Because the neighbors here never make any noise.

Oh hang on....

MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

I sit and I brush Sarahs hair, which is still streaked with various colours of natural fairness and light, which some people would kill or pay lots of money for, after she has emerged (or been lifted by evil daddy who needs to get her out of the soft bubbly lovelyness she is sploshing around in) from her bath at Rancho Collapso.

I am working away on this long train of multicoloured stuff, being careful not to hurt or pull the hair and such, and it is beyond me how it seems that birds and mice and all sorts of creatures have been nesting in her heeeed and platting her hair into nests WHILE SHE HAS BEEN IN THE BATH!

So after half an hour of working away at it, trying not to hurt or pull or tug, I say in exasperation:

"Is your hair made of bloody velcro?!"

Sarah looks over her shoulder calmly and says, cool as hell -

"Yes..."

Dammit!

She makes me laugh so much.

So.

I have to drag myself the 60 yards over the road to the pub, through some slightly damp weather to have a farewell drink with you know who.

Of course I don't want to go!

What do you take me for?

Ahem.

yeah I know, I cant wait to get out of here really.

So I hope you all have a spiffing weekend whatever it has in store for you.

I am amazed at the amount of people in this building that use the lift to go up or down one floor!

OK, there is a Mezzanine level between each one so there four flights of stairs between each floor - but come on!

Are we all not supposed to be getting more excercise to stop the wave of obesity that is sweeping the nation (apparently)

OK, if you have asthma or a bad leg or some medical condition fine, use the lift to go one floor. But I dont think that one bloody cup of overpriced coffee is such a heavy load that the lift is needed.

Unless they are making those takeaway cups out of lead these days.

Lazy bastards!

Some people on my friends list have written about having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and how it impacts on their lives.

I consider myself lucky to not suffer from this – and I am not gloating at all.

I have always had the wonderful ability to be happy or depressed whatever nature is chucking at me. It really makes no difference.

I have felt lonely and depressed on a sun bed by a wonderfully sun warmed pool, and found myself grinning like an idiot as I get soaked to the skin on a long walk home late at night. The weather is never an issue.

In fact one of the most laugh inducing journeys I ever took was on a motorbike with the late Mr Kelly in the pouring rain. We left the flat of S&F to head over to Kizlode at his parents place in north London and the sky was ominously black and threatening. From the moment he kicked the bike into life until the moment an hour later when we turned into the road where Kiz lived it hammered down! Our jeans were so wet no more water could soak into them and it just sat on the surface, our leather jackets were sodden and dyed our t-shirts with black patches of dye. We laughed nearly all the way there.

It was even funnier when kiz provided us with two pairs of his mums trousers to wear while our jeans and jackets steamed on a radiator, as his mum was rather “large of stature”. Kiz has a picture somewhere of Mr Kelly and myself both in one pair, each of us standing in an individual leg.

And as I said above, I have felt empty and cold and dead while lying in bright sunlight and blistering heat. Just wishing I didn’t exist.

It’s never the weather. It’s what is in my head. Who needs SAD when you have that ability?

I would rather be doing what I did yesterday early evening to wind down from the wind up of doing lots of pack....sorry soy. Doing the putting things in boxes stuff.

I want to be sat with my guitar and amp having dug out a few old FX pedals and have a play along to the random songs on my mp3, while having a nice cold vodka based drink.

Getting better at playing guitar has to be better than sitting here till my arse goes numb eh?

EH?

I am only in the office for a half day today!

Yay for team "using up annual leave before the end of the leave year"! But I may have to change the name of the team as its a bit of a mouthful. Buy hey, I am team principle so I can do what I like. A bit like Ron Dennis. Without the spying and stuff.

anyway.

After yesterdays manic chucking and hiding and packing of stuff I have a few aches and pains. But todays plan should ease them.

So this morning I will email someone in one of our other offices to try to get some information out of them that will enable me to actaually do the thing they asked me to do.

Then lunch time will find me over the pub with a departing work pal who is off to pastures new. We will sit and talk of all the great times we have had here. So thats the first five minutes conversation sorted. Then we will probably just have to talk about YOU! hehehehehe.

Then I will leave my buddy int he company of the other workers who will hopefully join us as the afternoon progresses and go home to eat, and after that get Sarahs stuff for the weekend packed (aaargh! not more bloody packing) as it is then over to S&F's.

Friday we are hopefully going fossil hunting and wildlife spotting on the coast. Saturday going to some place where they have a working celtic farm. You know, people in costume doing stuff. It's edumacationamal and should be a laugh.

This is of cousre all if the weather permits. We will find something fun to do whatever happens.

Hope you all have something to look forward to this weekend, even if its only sex and drugs and rock and roll.

I never knew I had so much shit! one and a half bin bags of total rubbish and the room is still a mess. And I have no bloody storage boxes! must go and buy some soon.

The plan is to try to hide whatever is left in a storage unit that I have just manhandled down the stairs single handed.

Which will be covered artistcally with a throw, on top of which will sit the stereo.

But it still looks like a bomb sight in here so I had better get on.

I am fucking knackered and in need of another coffee.

To almost borrow a phrase from "Jaws"

"S&F, your gonna need a bigger house"

Sorry guys.

I promise not to get married or separate or have even a slightly meaningful relationship ever again.

Honest.

I am a law breaker baby! A bad ass no good dooooooood even. As Vertigo Mortisjointesen (you know, him that was strider in LOTRs films) in that recent movie about Russian mafia blokes in london "Stay avay from people like me"

Why.

I is talking to you via someone elses wireless connection!

I is living on the edge baby!

OK, I am just putting off doing what I should be doing and being a dickhead.

But little things please little minds and all that.

Meh.