Area 136

But it may make you laugh.

Many years ago, I was 19 and living at home. Yes I was 19 once. For about a year I think it was.

Anywhay,,,as you may remember I had a black Labrador called Wonka. He used to sleep in my bedroom, curled up on the floor near the head of my bed. I noticed that when he woke up and sat upright, he used to do the same thing every time. He would lick his top lip and then click his teeth together as his tongue went back in.

Anywhat..I woke up one night and needed to go to the toilet. I slept naked then as I do now so I got up to go to the loo and was going to get my dressing gown from the back of the door. The room was dark, because the sun does not stay up at night in Dagenham for some odd reason.

I got out of bed and in doing so roused the sleeping Wonka who was at his usual floor station. He sat up and did the thing with the tongue and the lip and the clicky teeth thing.

But.

It was dark.

I was stood too close to him.

When he sat up, his cold doggy nose met my wedding tackle

Trust me that wakes you up.

But.

He did the tongue lick snap thing.

And (look away now sensitive readers) his tongue managed to pull the very end of my foreskin into the way of his clacking teeth.

OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWCHHHHHHHH!

That Reeeeeeeeeeeeely wakes you up.

I just had to read the label inside the tongue of my boot to remind myself what size feet I have.

Told you I don't go shoe shopping very often.......

When I got to the top of the hill on which sits “Rancho Collapso” last night and walked down the short flight of steps to the front door I was greeted by a wonderful sight.

Ptolemy, that well know bacon-stealing bastard of a cat otherwise known as Shipscat 1 was sat on the lawn munching on a fat juicy and now headless wood pigeon. Charming crunching noises were being made as he worked his way into the chest cavity to extract the goodies within, and the cheeky little sod looked at me as I opened the front door as if to say, “Oh good, I can sit under my favourite radiator with this and dine in comfort”

I gave him the look and said “Oh no you don’t matey” and shut him out with his prize.

His sister Cleopatra (Shipscat 2) was sitting sweetly outside the back door waiting to come in, thankfully free of beheaded wild life. But she did go strait for the plants in the dining room for a quick munch.

Maybe she’s a veggie.

I. You have to look up page 123 in the nearest book to you.
II. Look for the fifth sentence.
III. Then post the three sentences that follow the fifth sentence
IV. Tag five people to do the same.

I have included the fifth sentence to make four, don’t know if this is right but so what.

From “Thud” by Terry Pratchet.

“No excuses at all. Once you had a good excuse, you opened the door to bad excuses. He had nightmares about being too late.
He had a lot of nightmares about Young Sam.”

I tag Twisted, Jacobite, Not bob, Rampage, Esspee.

So there.

G-spots.

Bastard things - Causing much debate and “rummaging” in bedrooms across the land. “If he can’t find it, he must be crap”

Well no actually. It turns out (I read in the metro this morning) that not every woman has one. Doctors have been able to see, via ultrasound scan, that some women have a thicker coating of sensitive flesh in the “G-spot area” than others. Some women don’t have enough of this special sensitive flesh and so will never experience a “Vaginal orgasm” and will have to get all there fun from “the little man in the boat” as it where.

So there. If you can’t find it, there may not be one to find.

(Mind you, if you do find one chaps…Bingo!)