As I take my expensive digital 8 track recorder out to the car of a friend (and all this talk of expensive things is not just me showing off, there is a point to this "Bragging") I notice a printed note sticking out of the inside of our letter box.

I hand it to jo and go out. I come back and get the two remaining expensive Gibson les pauls, the costly Vox Tonelab amp symulator, the relatively inexpensive foot controler for said item and the cheap as chips SR16 drum machine. My friend drives off with said goodies, they are storing them for me during this "interesting" phase of my life.

I close the door and ask jo what the note was about and who it was from.

It was from our local constabulary, who inform us that in our street over the past week, there have been THREE nocturnal burglaries. The last one was last night.

They, the wonderful watchers of the night time streets, ask US if we - the residents, have seen anything suspicious and would we like to tell them about it on a selection of numbers.

Well yes actually, I have noticed something suspicious my fine officers of the law. A huge and fucking distinct lack of police officers in the area SINCE I MOVED IN OVER 10 YEARS AGO!.

I am sure some of the other people in the street have seen some suspicous things as well. Like that big gap where the telly was, the lack of PC, and an inabillity to locate anything into which to place a CD of calming new age music.

So you, wonders of law enforcement that you are, rather than getting off your fat, doughnut and curry stuffed arses, have decided to scare the crap out of everyone with a peice of fucking PAPER rather than, oh I dunno, PATROL THE FUCKING STREET till these cunts (who obviously have sussed that you can do nothing but drive around really fast up and down the dual carriage way with your lights on showing off) are happily falling down the stairs of the local chokey. Repeatedly.

My contribution to the police benevolent fund will not be forthcoming anytime soon.

Twats!

Good job all that expensive stuff (seeeee! told you there was a point to that) is out of the house.

I just have to move a skipload of cd's, a pantechnicon of sundry guitar FX pedals and a large blue box of porn now.

ahem.

I need to click on a file (of old bollocks because someone has asked me to do something stooopid and work related)

I move my optical mouse in a motion across the desk that should take my pointer to the file in question. The pointer does not move. I do the running the mouse backwards and forwards bit that you do when you think your pc is contemplating having a kip, just to wake it up. No movement from the pointer on the screen. I move the mouse slowly and deliberatly across the desk. Nothing.

I look at the mouse in my hand.

The mouse in my hand is my mobile phone.

Ah, right.

Llwnt.

Was the thought that trotted through my under populated head this morning as I stood, very windswept and not that interesting, outside having a ciggie.

A "Gentleman of the road" was walking by on the other side and on his back he had one of those big "I'm off round the world to make Row jealous" backpacks, crammed full of stuff. Strapped to the back of this was a slightly smaller battered suitcase, and in each hand he had three dirty carrier bags full of stuff.

Why give yourself the hassle of lugging all that about all day?

But I have seen stranger. I once saw a homless woman with a 2ft by 3ft Gainsborough print in a gilt frame!

I suppose it would brighten up any doorway for the evening but did seem a bit excessive.

I'm hungry

and I need a dump.

What to do, what to do.........

Go put more in

Go let some out.

in other news

Good morning.

I was wandering around and taking pictures.

Late last night.

I am stood standing there, texting someone or other something along the lines of

"Not under a train, no no no no no no hic!"

and as I stab wildly at the keys I see a cat trot up towards me in my peripheral vision.

Then it stops right in front of me with its nose inches from my legs and looks up. And I look at it and realise its a Fox.

It looks at me with an open and inquisitive face as if to say

"And?"

So, being polite and well manered I say

"Yes? sorry, got nothing for you"

It looks at me for a little longer and trots off about its business.

Blimey. That is the closest I have ever been to a fox.

God they are beautiful!

The problem with all this working up here and avoiding work Smoking taking trips outside for fresh air, is that you see some celebs.

Saw one just now, an actress of middle age who I KNOW, but have no clue as to her name. Even if someone tells me I will have to take their word for it.

It was the woman who played the female neighbor in the 70's tv production of "Abigails Party" (you know, the frumpy one) and has been in loads of other stuff as well.

Arrrrg! What IS she called.................

It could be the latest thing. Being up here in the swanky london you do see some odd things.

The latest look for young chaps around town appears to be very skin tight drainpipe trousers and "Bum freezer" jackets.

How very up to the minute.

How very 1960's as well.

How very silly it looks.

Yay! I have turned into my dad!

Eeeeeep!

As you know, Weird inc have spent loads of money refurbishing the first floor offices of this four floor building so Shipscook can have somewhere nice to sleep during the day. But for us up on the fourth things are not as palatial.

For a start all the “Gary’s”* are closed! There where two large toilets on this floor, just off the corridor outside, but since we have been here they have both been out of order. The ones on the landings of the stairwells are not often working and one seems to be being cleaned for about an two hours every morning and so out of action.

This means that we have to go down to the second floor sometimes to find a toilet that we can use. The ladies in the office are not happy, and I have to take a long walk for the morning “paid for by work” pony.

Intolerable working conditions, I’m sure you will agree.

* “Gary” – Gary Glitter = shitter.

Today I travelled to our the west end office of Weird Inc from “home”, as opposed to yesterday when I travelled to it from home. From home it’s a single 25 minute tube ride straight in. From “home” where I was this morning it’s a 20-minute trip on the overground into Liverpool street station and then a short tube trip.

But as our last office was a short walk from Liverpool street I was still on autopilot when I got there and found myself standing in the middle of all these people having what could easily be described as a “senior moment” – I had no idea where I was going, just for one blank second I had no clue as to why I was there and why I had stopped walking and why people where bouncing off my back and giving me “warm and friendly” looks. Damn all this office movage!

But after a split second reboot of the grey cells I slunk into the depths of the tube and helped out making the crush of bodies just a little more intimate.

Personally I blame all this living in two places lark. Nothing to do with being in my mid forties, drinking vats of booze, being distracted by other issues and people and generally at bit out of focus at all.

Ahem.

By them I mean the dawdlers in the city - people who just stop at the most inconvenient place and stare around them thus GETTING IN MY FUCKING WAY!

Always in the place where the pavement is narrow due to the council trogs digging up the road and you can't walk by them, just standing there thinking "Where do I need to go now?"

I DONT CARE - GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY I ONLY GET ONE LUNCH BREAK A DAY AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND HALF OF IT STARING AT THE BACK OF YOUR FUCKING STUPID HEAD!

In other news - Monkeys.

Oh good.

Hanging on the wall above my new desk and in my peripheral vision even now as I type, is that most hated of office decorations – The motivational poster!

The (admittedly very nice) picture is of a tiger looking out through some undergrowth. Under this in big multicoloured letters is the legend:

“CHANGE”

Under this in small type is written:

“In today’s world there are two kinds of companies….
The quick, and the dead!”

For one thing why has our dinosaur brained company got this on its wall, and secondly WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NEXT TO ME!

I may take it down and hide it behind something soon.

Twas a good weekend if a little hard on the liver, kidneys and onions.

S&F not only had me to cater for and entertain but an extra bod in the form of Row who was taking a break after planning to take over the world.

We ate and drank and talked and had fun. Well we did, you will have to ask her if she had a good time

I invented a new game as well, - Blood pressure strip poker.

You all have your blood pressure taken with one of those machines that automatically blows the cuff up round your arm then reads it of on a digital display, person with the highest blood pressure has to strip to the waste. I found out how to cheat, as I discovered that if your grab someone by the privates while they are having their blood pressure taken it really messes up the results.

After spending the weekend sleeping on the big beanbag bed in Shipscooks study my back felt fantastic, one night back in the bed in the spare room and it felt like shit in the morning.

Anyway, must go and make the long trek downstairs for a ciggie and finish off my pretending to unpack here in the new office.

In other news, I hope everyone is OK out there.

I like london.

At 11.30 of the morning clock I found myself outside my office, walking in the general direction of away, my bag slung over my shoulder and my woolly hat at a jaunty angle, whistling the theme tune from "The Great Escape"

Yes my dear 0.5 of a reader, I was packed up and finished for the day!

So what to do with my new found freedom?

Well I headed up to the area of our new/old office and took shipscook for a lunchtime pint for starters.

Then hit a guitar shop or two and in one got myself a power supply for my Pocket Pod Guitar moddeler- no more desparate searches for AAA batteries for me! Then a hunt for a CD resulted in my purchase of a CD of the original blues recordings of the Led Zepplin songs, it said on the cover "The music that inspired led zep" - I think that is how you say "the stuff they covered and never credited" without getting sued. And of course I am in no way impliing any wrong doing on the bands part (thank fuck you said that - yours, worried Bob from the legal dept.)

I now find myself in an internet cafe that is cheap and down at heel. I feel right at home.

Next up is a drinkie and a read of my book in the Intrepid Fox, where I will NOT flirt with the barmaids no matter how manny fetching tattoos they have, and then head for a bookshop to get lost in.

In other news, a good friend of mine has just had some great news which I would love to pass on but can't. Except to say BLOODY WELL DONE - LETS GET HAMMERED!

The men in the blue t-shirts I mean, the chaps that are taking our stuff away!

Oh goody - can we go now then?

One of my workmates is complaining that they have a sore throat and thier tongue feels swollen.

I think they are coming down with the dreaded "Jamie Oliver" syndrome!

I hope it's not catching, just what I don't need today!

Yes, tis I - here bright and early and cloaked in a cloud of shredder dust looking like some guitarist from a goth band, live and direct from office moving day!

Some people on this blog and not two foot from me have done all there packing, in fact had it donen within 20 minutes of arriving and are now wandering round the blog killing time till the off at midday. ahem.

I have a bit more coffee to drink and papers to dispose of (not in an Enron kind of way of course) and then I will start chucking my junk (NOT a euphemism Row) into a crate.

Then I will do some, erm, things.

So this afternoon my plan is to go to the area our new office is in and make sure all my favourite venues are still standing, browse the guitar and bookshops, have lunch somewhere, maybe hit an internet cafe and generaly Chill till it is time to head off for El Rancho Colapso.

Well you gotta have a plan right?

Tomorrow that is.

Oh yes, after two more months than was planned we are leaving this dire strip of tarmac boredom and going back to our rightful home just off Oxford street in that there fancy "The London"!

Not a damn moment too soon either!

There will be shops rammed with CD's and DVDs'

There will be great places to get food from (because althougth they have refurbished part of the office, the canteen is still dire)

There is an ENTIRE STREET OF GUITAR SHOPS!

There are a load of bookshops! including Foils, a shop which scares me as its too fucking big and there are far too many books in it and I get lost. Ahem.

And there is a lively supporting cast of celebs, women of negotiable affection and people of "No fixed mental agenda" wandering all over the place on the streets outside.

I will be able once again to stand on Dennis Nordens front doorstep while having a cigarette.

I will see that strange woman that runs the hairdressers upend her leather shoulder bag and watch a little dog trot out onto the pavement.

Although, I will still be doing this poxy job. It will seem better!

Ho yus.

And also tomorrow we have to be packed and out of the building by 12.30.

Early start to the weekend then!

Yayy and such!

About me, started by Znethy and carried on by others.

And to delay me having to start work.

1, Once, when I was a ickle toddler, I fell backwards down the inspection pit in our garage, landed flat on my back and swallowed my tongue. My Dad had to put his fingers down my throat and flip it out. I have no memory of this but as my dad was probably working on our car at the time, the chances are his hands were covered in oil and grease. Yummers.

2, I once managed to burn the inside of my left forearm with very hot oil from a wok by putting the veggies into a stir fry rather to quickly and splashing myself. I had to calmly ask jo to take over and hold the handle of the wok, then run screaming over to the cold tap. The burn marks took two weeks to go away after a bit of leaking. Charming eh?

3, One of my earliest memories is being passed down from the top of a pile of hay bales by my brother, to my sister in a hay barn when we were on a family holiday, while a rather angry farmer glared at us. Probably many "Get orf moi laaaaaaaaaaaaaand" type phrases were said. I can't remember what my parents reaction was when we got back to the campsite.

There ya go.

Sorry to have bored you.

In the name of Dennis Watermans gusset, how the hell is a quarter past one "nearly two o'clock"

Eh?

EH!

Having punted out another file of information that should, possibly be correct to on of our offices via the company network this morning, I am now facing a dilema.

Do I dive back into the file with 400 accounts on it and continue to wade through that till my brain runs out of my arse with boredom, or do I shred the box file of copies of old letters sent to customers so I don't have to take it with me when I pack up for the office move tomorrow........

No contest really.

Prepare to die you pointless pile of paper!

IT'S SHREDDER TIME!

Things that make me happy

Playing guitar.
My Daughter
My Friends
Relationships
Alcomaholic beverages various. (Enjoyed in the company of good friends or a good guitar)
Relaxing Jacuzzis
Loud rock music.
Holidays.
Good books.
Good films.
Bad films.
Good Food. (Enjoyed in the company of good friends)
Blogging.

Things that make me unhappy.

Commuting.
Relationships
Being taken for granted.
Not being able to help people I care about.
The monkeys in my head.
Me.
Fish with guns.
Society in general.
My job.
My domestic situation.
Blogging.

Yes, your right. I could think of bugger all to say this morning and would have been better shutting the fuck up.

In other news, Good luck to you today. You know who you are. I hope it goes/went well.

Just got the wonderful invite to the team launch day we are being forced to attend having in March.

Miles a fucking way from where I am.

Day one on the 5th of March is apparently "getting to know the team and setting the scene"

Oh for fucks sake. We know each other. I know all of them as much as I bloody want to. THIS IS MY JOB - NOT MY FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE!

the Second day will be "Opportunities and Challenges" Which in english means "shit dumping and responsibility shifting"

Lunch on both days will be sandwiches (oh the expense) and the dinner in the evening is to be in a restaurant "To be announced"

Now, listen.

I would rather sit in a McD's full of crack heads than eat in a restaurant with this lot. Now I bear them no ill will at all BUT and this is the point, THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SOCIALISING WITH!

I don't care about job advancement by sucking up and saying the right thing, fuck it.

I would rather stay at home and suck out both my eyes with a dyson.

But if I do have to go, I may Have a way out of the hell of the evening meal. I know of a friend who lives that way. And meeting them for a nice relaxing evening may just make the corporate bullshit hell worth braving.

Especially as they will be paying for my travel and accomodation. Not that this person is not worth spending money to visit of course. But you have to get something out of your job no?

In other news.

"there is no emoticon for what I am feeling..."

While having a ciggie outside just now, I was suprised to see someone commuting on a Royal Enfield Motorcycle!

Now I'm not a big classic mortorbike geek, but even I know those things are supposedly rare and valuable. This was no weekend only highly polished thing either, it had a couple of small rust spots on the rear mudgaurd by the light and looked like it was used as a regular mode of transport.

how odd.

And what a dull post.

sorry.