Area 136

Mrs F and the Moff are out shopping and shipscook is out in the bookshops hunting for bargains. I went out in search of an internet cafe and a pub to sit and read my book in for a while.

I walked out through the slow gentle rain and headed to the cafe, when I got there it seemed to have too many people in it and I could not bring myself to go in. I walked on to the pub and it was the same story - although it was not full, there were just too many people. So I turned round and came back to the flat. Everyone is still out. I may get some sleep as I feel tired and its going to be a longn night tonight.

I am also missing Sarah. And a few other people.

So what do you all expect out of this new year then?

Why do we think that the change from 11.59.59 to 00.00 is going to change anything in our lives. It's just some date keeping system made up by some monk after all.

I don't know what I am expecting out of the coming year. I hope its different to this one. Well obviously its going to be different, but I hope its also going to be better.

But I know that is not magically going to happen at midnight tonight.

Hope you all have a good time tonight and that the year ahead is exactly how you hope it is going to be.

x

As that is the amount of time left on the old ticker down the bottom of the page in this here cafe, I thought I would use the time to write this, possibly the most important and valuable entry ever on a blog anywhere in the world, one that will one day get me an OBE at the very least.

And what I have to impart is this:

wait hang on, oh shit the money is ru

Yep.

And she was cute.

And she had tattoos.

And she didn't charge me full price.

Oh yes.

I went out to one of the many fine tattoo and piercing parlours in this fair city and got myself some new earings to match the pirate one in my upper ear that I got last time.

As these new ones are a bit thicker than the old ones, one of the holes in my ear needed stretching out before it would accept the new ring.

So said dark haired and sexy lovely produced a curved and evil looking kneedle like thing to have at my little lobe!

But with a bit of lubrication and a little gentle jiggling it was slipped in fine and dandy, as with so much in life.....

She even re hung my little devil and said he suited me.

Whatever that means.

Off tonight to the frost fair which is still lurking in the park under the Castle. I think some more mulled wine is in order if the stalls are still there and have not effed off back to Bavaria.

Have a good evening folks.

So we got tickets to go to the Torchlight parade that they had yesterday in Edinburgh. We got our big candles and gathered in Parliament Square waiting for the off. Then the vikings turned up.

Well OK, blokes dressed in rather "Hollywood" bad viking outfits, but they were leading the procession and towing a small viking longboat that was to be paraded up to the top of Carlton hill and burnt, along with some other things.

So at about 18.45, the torches started to get lit, which was good as I was getting a bit cold.

And off we went, but as it is Scotland we had to march behind one of the many bands of pipers playing jolly and uplifting and most of all - bloody loud tunes, past many interesting buildings.

and along many streets on our way to Carlton Hill, there really were quite a lot of us...

Then we all massed on the hill

and discovered that the Viking lads had had a bit of an incident with their boat, much the same as last years incident. Will they ever learn?

And this big (about 20 ft tall) lad was not long for this world either once the vikings got to him!

Now I said that I didn't burn anyone or get burnt by anyone in this procession, but I did see some rather stupid behaviour. I don't personally think it is a good idea to give kids less than five feet tall a big three foot long candle to hold as they walk along because it puts the flame at adult face level! and as for the woman pushing the little kid along in the push chair and letting it hold the torch....fucking unbelievable.

I fully expect that next year health and safety will make everyone carry glow sticks instead, which will rather spoil the event.

Oh and a special word of thanks to the young girl steward who told us that there would not be any fireworks, which would explain why when we left and got to the bottom of the hill the sky above us was ripped apart by the most spectacular display of fire power I have seen in this country.

So that would have been the "no fireworks" then eh?

I didn't set anyone on fire last night, despite wanderingg along with a flaming torch (or to be honest a bloody big candle) in my hand in the company of about 25000 people. and no one set me on fire either, and Edinburgh still stands uncooked this morning.

So that's a bonus then.

Pics of this mass "Charridee" flaming walking and stuff event to follow.....

Possibly.

Oh and I met a very strange man in the rock bar who swore he knew me from years ago from a club up here he used to dj at, which was bollocks as it turned out...

cant take me anywhere apparently,

God I'm knackered.

Well at least I have a couple of healthy quiet days coming up.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Its' my own fault. And I am only typing this to try to stay awake.

And so far its working like a adl;skhjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaklkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Wah!

Ouch, that bloody hurt! I now have the imprint of the keyboard all over my expanding forhead!

Walked into the pub this lunchtime and found it empty.

Except for the barmaid, who had her head burried between the legs of a raindeer and was blowing for all she was worth!

"Mammy! Mammy deres someone in de baaar!" said one of the two kids watching this spectacle. Yes I know, I am shocked that poor little childers where forced to see their mother performing so in what was, up until my arrival, an empty pub - and I am shocked and sitting with the back of my right wrist pressed to my forhead much in the manner of the picture above even as I type. Which is making it a bit difficult.

So she put down the manically grinning plastic Rudolph and came round to the right side of the bar.

"Oh jazus I was so bored oi tort I'd blow de raindeer up" Said she. (she's from Brazil or something)

Why have I never got my camera with me when I need it?

But I suppose now that we have smoked this year nearly down to its filter tip, that is to be expected. People getting ready to try and find something to be doing when the clock strikes midnight on new years eave, because we all know that to be alone at that particular hour proves that you have failed again, have nothing and no-one, or that you have just been chucked out of the party for trying to cop a feel from your hosts wife.

Well, as no one is asking but I am typing, I will tell you what my plans are (as if you didn't already know - but I gotta type SOMETHING!)

I will be taking off to Edinburgh in the company of Shipscook, Mrs F and the Moff in the early hours of tomorrow and not coming back till sometime on the 3rd of January.

Blog posts may be limited during this period as Moff only has the one lap top and our fighting over it means we normally get to the drinking part of the evening about two hours later than I would like.

We are also at some point during the stay having lunch in The Witchery restaurant - the one with the OCD waiters! I will try not to wind them up with my napkin again. much.

There is going to be a viking longship burning on Carlton hill at some point and we are going to attempt to attend that, and other festivities no boubt all of which I will endeavour to photograph to aid my boring you all at some point with some blog. Well you may as well get the most from your pro account eh?

I hope you all have plans that you are actually looking forward to and not dreading?

Or “How to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the office and a positive joy to be around”.

1 – Make sure all children are safely stapled into their beds.

2 – Make sure wife is on the sofa watching “Mrs Henderson Presents” early onset genital warts or whatever the film was.

3 – Go and sit at the pc.

4 – Crack open a bottle of bourbon.

5 – Arse around on the computer and blog till film has finished and wife has gone to bed.

6 – Have some more bourbon.

7 – Take goodly slug of bourbon into other room and watch the video of the extras xmas special and try not to cry at the sad bits.

8- Go back into music/pc room and have some more bourbon.

9 – Arse around on blog talking about pirate ships, boyfriends, underwear, relationships, blogs you wished you’d written, travel and such, while maintaining an even flow of bourbon.

10 – Look at watch and realise it is 1.45 ish in the morning.

11 – Go to bed and try not to think about the alarm going off at 5.45.

12 – Arrive at work feeling wonderful.

Ahem.

It's the way I normally like to do it.

What I mean is, if you see a film of a book before reading the book, you don't sit there shouting at the screen.

For example, I saw "Trainspotting" before reading the book. I enjoyed the film imensly and read the book after. I also thought the book was great as well but if I had read it first I would have watched the film and been going "Hang on! what about the scene in the pub leading up to this? And he never said that! and where is that character and why is so and so not in it!"

Without reading the book I just enjoyed the film for what it was, and on reading the book I got to see that it would have been a harder task to film it as it was written, and maybe a bit too long. So I got the maximum pleasure from both.

But sometimes this does not work.

For example, I am now reading "Frankenstein" By Mary Shelly. Never read it before but of course I have seen loads of films of the book and so on.

I always thought the creature was created in a thunderstorm amid much drama and sparking lab equipment, and there was an "igor" running about doing the old "Yeth massssthcer!" stuff.

But no.

In fact it goes thusly:

"It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half- extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open"

And the creature, although horrible to the sight of poor vicy baby, has a full head of dark hair and is apparently quite good looking. Not bolts through the neck, no "flat top" head do, no big clumpy boots....

Curse you Hollywood!

And curse my tardiness in getting round to reading the book. I could have sat at home screaming "That's bollocks that is" at all those Frankenstien movies on the tv.......

Mind you, I did enjoy all that windmill burning and angry villagers malarky in the film......

On xmas day, Sarah got a "Fur Real" cat toy thing. It purrs and makes very realistic "pawing" motions with its front feet when you feed it or stroke it.

So when at S&F's, I borrowed it from sarah and put it down on the floor in front of Cleopatra (or shipscat 2 as she is also known) and started it off purring and pawing.

The look of utter fear and disgust on cleos face was a picture (which I missed due to not having the camera to hand) and she shot off out to the kitchen at high speed.

She has forgiven me though, she came and made a big purring fuss of me this morning as I lay in bed.

She can't stay mad at me for too long, I am too good a source of heat.

Over Christmas I mean.

Well OK, we watched Dr Who and it was good, but the rest of it!

What utter bollocks. So We didn't bother. We did other things instead and had a good time.

Well OK, yes I did make Mr S put "The Great Escape" on but it would not be xmas if you didn't sit in a near coma in front of a film and gas the fellow couch sitters and have things thrown at you or get slapped around a bit for being a vile and smelly git.

Its all that turkey and gooses fault, oh and the sprouts.

Last year I had it easy. Not only did I get to write about someone whose blog I read regularly, but I had also met them in the real world. At the time I thought it was difficult but this year I can see how easy I had it.

This year I drew someone who I have never read before (I know, we are all supposed to read everyones blogs even if we don’t have them on our friends list – its in the rules, ahem) and so I have had to have a quick squint up and down their blog.

Someblokes blog is like mine and many others on here in a way. He writes about what is going on in his life, his concerns and interests. He is a tad older than me, and his blog is a lot less prone to smut and swearing than mine is. Which is not that surprising really.

He has been married for 36 years! THIRTY-SIX BLOODY YEARS! I couldn’t even manage 13!

And he likes gardening. Which is where we differ as I think the best thing to do in a garden is sunbathe or play swing ball with Sarah.

But I did notice that he has been affected by a condition that has touched my life and many others on here. Blog addiction! So much so that it stopped him from gardening and doing the normal things in life that helped him knock up 36 years of marriage.

So he did the sensible thing and had a break, and tried to stop drifting away from the things and people he loves. A very sensible attitude, I hope your listening blog world!

And he was a jazz musician, so he’s all right by me.

I can change my mind can’t I?

“Shutting the blog down till next year” – Oh really. Well I meant it when I said it as I was in a bit of a funny mood. And the other posts were written when either drunk of depressed or both. Funny time of year eh?

And now here I is, sat at “work” and with a pc in front of me that actually does let me see emails (unlike the one at S&F’s) and see more than one page of blogs (unlike the one at home) so I can catch up on stuff.

Still have to do my secret Santa post or face the wrath of lyndz.

Also have to figure out how to get home due to Liverpool street station being closed.

And of course have to keep myself amused so I will probably be chucking out loads of rubbish today for no one to read, as you are all most likely at home peaking at the TV over the tops of your distended bellys.

Gym membership anyone?

Very drunk.

Very very in need of sleep.

Drinking.

Half physco because of the damn computer being a total ARSE!

Happy in an odd way.

Determinded to wake up next to someone I love next xmas morning.

And about to go watch "Up Pompei" and go all "oooh noooo well I never, now ladies and gentlemen"

And such.

And I is fat.

All across this land, that phrase has been uttered by people putting on a performance that would shame sir Larry.

Now Jo and I didnt' get pressies for each other this year, not realy the situation for gift exchanges really. But we both got Sarah stuff to give to us from her.

I got jo a cd she wanted and a choccy snowman (Chocolate + woman = good gift idea)

Jo got sarah the DVD of Thin Lizzy live at the rainbow, which is finally out in the sparkly format! Yay! (I am right now listening to the bonus live cd from 1978 in some place like Wolverhampton and might watch the two gigs on the dvd later)

She aslo got a dvd of "It's a wonderful Life"! yep, that xmas film that I know many people on here love.

Now think people, who exactly on this here blog or planet would you think was the least likely to share the sentiments expressed in said film, at this time of year?

Hmmmmm?

Now a dvd of "A matter of life or death" or "The man who would be king" would have been perfect.

Soooooooooo,

What did you get that was way off the target this year?

(yes Shipscook, I know about the jim jams!)

In other news. I am holding it together OK so far.

That after three of them, you realise that you don't have much vodka left in the bottle.

Might have to up the vermoth content. Which is of course a cardinal sin..........

I don't know why, but in my head I have just had a vision - A vision of christmas to be hoped for...

In this vision, Nigella Lawson leans towards me in a VERY low cut top, and in that sexy voice says:

"My Puppies are not just for Christmas, they're for you!" Then arches one of her eyebrows and smiles......

SCHWIIIIIIIIIIINNNGGGG!

Oh mercy.

I can dream can't I?......

Time for another martini.

Taking a leaf out of Hectors book, I am shutting down this blog over the festering period.

Because sometimes there is no fucking point.

If anyone wants me I will be spending quite a bit of time at S&F's getting horribly drunk.

Hope you all have a great time.

See you next year sometime.

In case you were concerned.

ahem.

Did anyone else have shedloads of trouble with Googlemail and such last night?

The curse of technology! when you really want to use it, it buggers off!

Grrrrrr.

And don't get me started on mobile phones.

Yes Row, it does happen to us blokes! (But we are not too prissy to blog it. Well I’m not)

This morning as I got dressed I selected a nice clean and healthy looking pair of underpants from the bedside draw. I finished getting dressed and toddled off to the station. As I was walking, I felt this sensation of something pressing against the backs of the tops of my thighs, just under my bum.

Now I put my hand round for a casual feel and found that this sensation of light pressure was where the bottom of the fleece jacket was pressing against my upper legs – it has a tie string in it so you can pull it tight in bad weather.

Well that explained that. I thought.

When I got off the train in this here fancy London, I could feel the same sensation but now it also could be noticed at the front of my thighs, which was odd. So I pulled the jacket out away from me and was surprised when I could still feel it against my thighs.

“Oh. Bugger.” I thought, “That can’t be my pants!”

But it was. The waist elastic had decided to give up on life, and they were now basically at more than half-mast! But unlike certain female bloggers I was wearing trousers so they were not actually going to go anywhere. But it is a very odd and uncomfortable sensation to walk around feeling like you are exposing your arse to the world and your pants are about to leave the building of their own free will.

It felt so odd I started to laugh at myself, and as soon as I got here I headed for the toilet for a quick re hoist.

If they are too uncomfortable I may have to go commando later……….

I hope all your presents were of the loud and rocking variety, or at least drinkable.

Or both even!

I have been sitting in this office with a pair of boots on and my feet have been cold all day. It's bloody freezing in here.

All weekend in Edinburgh my feet were warm, yet sat in my "cozy" office I have got cold bloody feet!

And now I have had enough and am going home.

Bollocks to everything!

Back to the normal grind, the benifits of the weekend being eroded already by the crap you have to deal with when you get back to your desk, I am going to have a bit of a job catching up.

Lots of private posts that I just have not got time to catch up on.

Arrgh!

Bloody work.

Hope your days are better.

It's not what you do, its when you do it.

Anyway, I'll get back to the windy chuff lumps in a minute and detail the tactical distribution of air biscuits in good time.

Can I just say that we had a great weekend and are now here at cassa del S&F's with the moff in tow being all at home for chrimble. Our first night was a bit of a pub crawl while the Moff was out with a couple of her soon to be off to the states after exam chums and we got back in after much booze and deep fried confectionery AFTER she did. Bloody kids today, no stamina. Moff did join us last night for a few drinkettes and we took her back to the flat, said goodnight and went off in search of more entertainment promising not to fall on our faces and wake her up when we got back to said flat.

Now. We wound up back in "The Auld Hoose" cos it has a great rock juke box but on Saturday they had a DJ in and the place was packed. So we stood at the bar and all the tall gothy young ladies had to squeeze past us to get to the toilets. Hey, its a dirty job but someones gotta do it. Actually everone had to squeeze past everyone else to even move. It was one of those nights.

So I am in there and am cursed with the arse of beelzebub due to beer, fried breakfasts, all you can eat chinese and indian buffets and such. Mrs F and shipscook kept giving me the look and saying "is that you? god you stink!" at various junctures. But I was cunning. I waited till some bloke squeezed by and let loose then, and said "No, it was him!" with my patented big blue innocent eyes fluttering away.

I am amazed the people on the table behind us survived the night. But they did go eventually and we nicked their seats!

So my arse is good for something after all.

ahem.

I would put the wavy smiley but they have gone missing from the top of the page. probably in disgust.

Just back from the Cannongate area of Edinburgh where, in a shop called Tribal, a very attractive blond woman with big boobs and very nice tattoos pushed a slightly thicker metal ring through a hole in my body where a slightly thinner ring went originally.

This new ring has a skull and crossbones hanging from it and now my ear hurts whenever I shake my head. So saying no is not an option tonight then......

Click for bigger images or something...

I would post some piccies of us behaving in a sensible and adult way in various hostelries but we are off out now and I have to get off the pc...

Is that my body thinks its lunch time at ten in the morning.
I am sitting in the moffs flat having another coffee and starving hungry, waiting to go out to attack an all you can eat buffet of this parish, while moff regails us with some amazingly odd stories of the exploits of her friends.

If I don't eat soon I'll die. And if I die I won't eat soon.

Despite the knackeredness I am having fun balancing a plastic sword tip first on my thumb, a skill I never knew I possesed till now, and enjoying seeing the Moff.

NOW CAN WE PLEASE GO EAT!

Just got an email from our boss M, the one I had the less than enthusiastic conversation with as detailed in my post "oh shit!/Oh good!"

She is arranging a meeting early next year to discuss such riveting prospects for our decimated team such as "Direction" and "Baton passing" and "responsibilities"

Basically a waste of time, as I will have to do whatever I am told so why do I need to be there.

But the best thing is the date for this pow wow.

The Third of January.

I AM ON ANNUAL LEAVE AS I WILL BE FLYING BACK FROM NEW YEAR IN EDINBURGH!

Re fucking Sult!

Of course I will not be mentioning this till everyone else has confirmed their attendance so it will be too late to change it.

Ahhhhh, I love it when a plan comes together!

A member of our team died recently of cancer of the bowel.

A card has just come round and stopped in front of me to sign.

I have never done this sort of thing at work before. I have no idea what to put....

The guy was fine, we got on OK - well I did once tell him to go fuck himself about a year ago but that was because he was being an arse over some minor office bollocks and I had had enough.

He was good at his job and never caused me any work related agrovation.

But its just difficult. Someone you would classify as a "co-worker", someone you had no shared interests with. Someone you would have a laugh and a joke with on occasion and argue with on others.

So I passed the card on to someone else and I will think of something to put.

First time for everything I suppose.

As Robert Plant might have sung at the O2 had he been off to Edinburgh this weekend.

Which is what I am doing.

We are off to party as it is Shipscooks birthday soon and also to see the moff.

Whilst up there we will take in the Frost Fare and all the good foody and drinky things therein.

I am so ready for this trip away (again)

Trips up to Edinburgh have a habit of coming along just when you need to run screaming to the hills I find.....

The shopping last night that is.

Why did it go so well?
Because my dear fluffy chinned 0.5 of a reader, I did it bloke style.

I knew what I wanted, where I was going and in which order I was visiting the shops. In – out, no messing about - like a dull sex life.

So I was done by about five. Now the dilemma, should I stay and have a drink and let the crowds thin out on the tube or go for it. This may come as a shock to you all, but sometimes I don’t actually want to sit in a pub and watch the world go by. So I went for it and ran screaming out of London. Well down into the tubes and they were not that bad actually.

Got home to a quiet and empty house as Jo had taken Sarah to see “Mother Goose” at the local theatre with a load of other kids. Urrrgh! Multiple children give me hives! Thank god I was spared that one. So I played guitar for a bit till they came home around nine, tucked Sarah into bed and fired up the computermagigthingy, and cracked open a bottle of red wine.

Silly twat that I am, I got caught up in yakking on that googlematalkywotsit till gone midnight so am a little less blessed with get up and go than normal. The price you have to pay for having fun I suppose.

So nearly all my Xmas shopping done then.

But still, in general, Bah humbug!

Well yes actually I do.

As Jo and Sarah are out tonight, I am flinging myself at the hell hole that will be Londons west end to do some xmas shopping.

Not on my behalf though. Oh no. Due to a few "distractions" over the past few months, the people I would normally by gifts for have said "forget it, just don't worry about it" Which is nice in a way but bad in others as I know the generous bastards are going to ge me something. Which they really don't have to. But my thoughts and concerns have been about as far away from "christmassy" as they could possibly be lately.

No, I am going to get a couple of items for Sarah to give to people.

Now your average 7 year old has not got the best job prospects so she is more skint than me, except for all that money she gets about this time of the year just for being cute and funny, so I will get her a couple of things to give to important people.

She actually loves giving people things, which is nice and she would feel awful is someone gave her a gift and she had nothing for them.

She sure don't get that from me!

So I will be going in the wrong direction when I finish here and diving into the rude, ignorant and stupid mass of shoppers. I will reach boiling point quite quickly and probably have to go find a pub afterwards to recover in.

Wish me luck.

A large glass of red wine.

A Gibson Les Paul.

A Marshall Valve combo.

and a head full of "Meh"

Well, I just do ok!

Due to the actions and reactions to stress levels of various intensity by certain "Non Smokers" over the weekend in Liverpool, I have run out of Canadian Ciggies.

The amount of times I heard the line "Can I have a cigarette please" or even "Give me a cigarette or die!" from these non smokers was suprising.

Which is why I have to go to france tomorrow, braving high seas and stripey laughs all over the deck.

I hope your all proud of yourselves.

To use one of my favourite expressions regarding the weather

It could blow a dog off a chain out there today mate!

Windy much?

Oh yes.

Yesterday the news reported that ferrys had to be pulled into the harbour at Dover by tugs as the weather was giving them problems with the parking. Yes, you do park ships - my dad was in the navy and thats what he said, so there.

Anyway, why does this matter?

Because tomorrow I am going to France for a shopping trip with Sarah, Mrs F, Shipscook and Mr Wolf.

On one of them there ferryboat things.

I do hope the weather calms down a bit.

Being the son of a sailor I of course will be fine.

Its the others I am worried about.

ahem.

Shipscook hove into view this morning brandishing a hot mug of black coffee and a very well stuffed Salmon bagel. I heaved myself up onto one elbow and took delivery of this fine morning repast in my bed, as normal.

“There was a load more Salmon in that packet than I thought,” said the cheery food-dispensing fellow as he exited. There was a good centimetre thick filling in that bagel and it was YUMMY. The cats were furious!

I am glad I had eaten it before I saw Mrs F’s post on Cod worms!

And now here I am in an office, the sun is glinting off the flat blocks over the other side of the road, people are nursing hangovers from the drinkie they went to last night and I, my dear 0.5 of an avid and loyal reader, have a file of utter bollocks to try to make sense of.

But at least I am full of fish.

That is how long it took me to get to work today.

Train died, arseholes wouldn't get out of my way on the platform so got walked through, busses rammed, twat did not have the sense to push his broken down van to the side of the road so held up all the traffic, walked a mile in the rain.

I arrive at work and inform my workmates that one word out of place will result in me ripping their heads off and shitting down their necks!

And when I come to power all of the general public will be executed for being ignorant tossers!

What happens next? I get a phone call from our newly re-appointed (oh reeeely what a suprise) totally usless boss M.

"Hi Nick, its M how are you"
"I'm wet."
"Oh, its raining here"
"I just got in."
"Traffic bad?"
"No crap trains and people being twats"
"Oh. Well. I just phoned up to say congratulations. Are you pleased?"
"I'm wet."
"Oh. Well. I'm looking forward to the new challenge ahead of us, how about you"
"I'm wet."
"Yes but are you looking forward to the challenge"
"I have been challenged for the past three bloody years working here"
"But I see this as a new exciting challenge"
"Hmmmmmm"
"Quite non commital aren't you"
"That's me all over"
"Well can we get together to discuss the new set up?"
"Today would not be a good day"
"Oh not today, but sometime soon"
"I'm wet"
"hahaha, well your going to be a challenge."
"possibly"
"OK, well I'd better let you get on then."
"OK, bye."

Yes, they have employed their worst nightmare - Bad attitude man!

I am severly not in the mood for corporate bollocks.

And in other news.

Happy Birthday Bradders.
Kisses on the bottom.
ahem.
xxxx

As I am the only twonk to get a job in the new office order, I have a lot of tabs open at the bottom of my PC screen.

Stuff I am (studiously not doing any form of) working on.

I am working on a file for an office in the gloriously named Town of "Cockermouth"

due to the crowding at the bottom of the monitor, the tab for this office/file says

"COCK"

That makes me smile.

Sad innit.

ahem.

All my soon to be "surplus" workfellows have stopped working.

They are not passing their work over to me, because they don't care. They were told to keep doing what they have been doing until January, but really - would you? would I?

Fuck no.

And I am so pissed off that I have not been able to get started on the two things I should really be doing today. I could, if I wanted to be, be as busy as a little damn building furry thing with a big tail.

But I can't do it.

Still, seeing as my line manager was told he has no place in the new staff template yesterday and has not come in today, AND they have not yet appointed the new manager that I will be working to (which means it could be some new no nothing mustard keen twat from OUTSIDE THE COMPANY) there is no manager to have a go at me.

I fucking hate this dull job. But it pays the bills and I can actually do it well. When I am not totally pissed off.

And I hate this office location. And I hate the fact that my eyes feel like they are crawling into the back of my head. And I hate "friendship lite". And I hate not sleeping.

Well that's my rant done for the day.

LETS GO SMOKE ANOTHER CANADIAN CIGARETTE WITH PASSION AND FEEEEEELINNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

meeeeeep!

Someone said to me "you never do a dull post" - well cop this.

Did you know it is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day, thanks to a law passed by the afore mentioned bloke and never repealed.

So there.

meh.

ho ho ho.

Ihave just realised something.

I have the one permanant post at work.

Which means that, during the day when I have access to a pc that actually lets me see more than the most recent 5 or so friends posts without giving me the old "Gateway timout error 504" bollocks, I may actually have to.....

DO SOME WORK AND NOT BLOG!

Oh buckets of fuckstuckpigs on fairyfartpissflapbuggery BOLLOCKS!

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Bugger of the highest order.

During the course of a rather edgy day, my fellow workers - starting with the managers - where called to another office just up the road and told wether or not they had a place in the brave new staff template for our section.

The batting average was not good. Out of 20 or so people, only 2 had been offered places in the new team, and they didn't look happy as they wanted to go somewhere new.

Then my workmates started to get called over. My turn was at 3.30pm. I was the last one to go over.

The woman sat down in front of me and said

"Congratulations Nick, your the one!"

"Oh shit!"

"Oh! I wasn't expecting that reaction! I have been sitting here waiting to give some good news to someone all day."

She looked quite crest fallen.

Well so did I

"Why the disapointment."

"Well you have re-employed the managers that made all the crap decisions that made working here rubbish in the first place!"

"Well you could look for a job outside if your really not happy"

Oh no you don't - me and the real world have an understanding - we never bother each other.

"No that's OK, I will just get on with it but I will be looking for another job."

"Well with a place on the permanent staff you will have more options than the others I suppose"

"Yeah I suppose. Well is that all? I have to get off now"

"Erm yeah. Congratulations?"

"Thank you. Bye"

In the company of a slightly hung over Row the boat and our guide for the day Juzzzy, we (Mrs F, Shipscook and moi) had a sensible adult day seeing the sights of Liverpool

Ahem.

Then we saw the duck that takes you on a trip on the mersey. The first time we saw it Shipscooks said to me

"Look, there's the duck!"
"Where?" said I, looking at all the roof tops around us for some cheeky scouse Mallard or somesuch
"There!"
"WHERE!" said I scanning the rooftops manically like President Kennedys body guard as they drove into Deely Plaza.
"THERE!" he said, as a big yellow diesel amphibious vehicle rolled by practically under my nose.
"Oh right" how could I miss this!

Then past China town.

To the Cathedral.

Which is pretty impressive inside.

Then a drink in the "philharmonic bar"

Then a more modern one

There were other pubs and a curry house or two but I forgot to take pictures.

The next day, I started to see santas everywhere.

Oh sod that, thats enough for now maybe.

Imagine the scene.

Saturday night.

I am laying in my palatial hotel room in what I was informed was "the second worst hotel in Liverpool", dreaming away in a snug fug of Guiness, Curry and Vodka fumes, when I am awoken by the sound of two local "Scallies" making their drunken way up the corridor outside.

It is about three in the morning.

From the sound of it they had a room a couple of doors up, and due to their state of refreshment they had a little trouble getting the door to open. Now I will admit the locks on the room doors were tricky to operate, but why did they proceed - FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES to loudly advise each other on where they were going wrong and, from the sound of it, repeatedly throw themselves against the door in a manor much beloved by TV's "The Sweeney" but with less favourable results.

Not once did one of these stout (filled) lads think to just go back down to the front desk and tell them they were having a bit of trouble gaining access to the room, no no. And after the said fifteen minutes I heard one of them say

"Hang on lar, is dis de right room?"

Oh for fucks sake!

But it must have been because they stuck at it for a further 10 minutes till either the lock gave up or the door left its hinges and they fell laughing loudly into their home for the night.

So that is why I snarled at everyone in the breakfast room the next day. I get touchy when my sleep is disturbed. It's not that I am a miserable bastard in the mornings at all.

People are nervous here at Wage slave towers.

Today is the day we find out who is lucky/cursed enough to have landed a job on the new staff template.

Now personally I am sick of working for the usless management (the ones who "miraculously" got their jobs back after the assesments and interviews) and I three quarters hope I don't get this job back.

If I don't I will be hunting for another job in the business till the end of January, when they may say "There is a job for you here - take it or leave it" The job will be another office monkey role like the one I do now, so its not a question of not being able to do it. Ho hum.

I am still full of curry and guiness residue from Saturday, which makes me great company in a lift. And my work pc will not let me upload any pictures of Liverpool on Saturday.

I will leave you now as I feel the morning pony approaching, have a good start to your week people.

After a long fight, I managed to get some piccies into my media from friday. But can I blog them?

Can I fuck!

no tabs are appearing at the top of the "write posts" page to put pictures up.

So if you want to see picturse of people snogging strange women, exploding in fireballs, dancing and stuff and your on my friends list - go take a look in my media.

I have been trying to put some pictures up of Saturdays wanderings but that is just not happening, as when you hit uplode it does bugger all.

So a drink and a look at top gear is in order.

Maybe later people.

(Cant even get the wave smiley!)

bugger!

Firstly, the national blog meet thing was a riot. The drinks flowed freely and the music was deafening. I woke up on Saturday with "Rock Club voice", which is where your voice drops two octaves because of all the bellowing you have been doing to get heard.

Right now the apologies.

Meno. Darling I am so HUGELY sorry that due to some distractions and vast lakes of vodka that I went off into the soggy early morning without saying goodbye and you had to chase me up the road for a final goodbye hug. That was totally inexcusable of me and I am ashamed of myself. Please forgive me.

AJ. Sorry for getting you soaked to the skin. But you did volunteer to come on the Friday night rescue mission and thanks for all you help. And sorry about the nipple thing. If you have caught a cold I am even sorrier.

Subs. See above, sorry to get him soaked.

Mr & Mrs Redleader, I had no idea you had to leave early and I wanted to spend more time talking to you. It was fantastic to meet you both, and I really hope we meet again soon not least of all so we can have the drunken jam session. I am sorry I got distracted and I hope you dont think I was rude.

To all of the rest of you - it was a pleasure meeting you all. We had a very interesting night on the town, but I found that it was hard to get a conversation in with everyone as there were so many of us running around all over the place between two bar levels.

And you bloggers I have met before, it was great to see you again.

And sorry to anyone who I didn't get to speak to. Look on the brightside, I would have only tried to balance a drink on your heads.

Ahem.

But I did get to collect most of the hugs I was owed!

Finally thanks to meno, rampers, Denzil, Miza and all that made it happen.

I actually dont have as many pictures of Friday as I thought, well not bloggable ones anyway. I have a couple of good ones from Saturday but that, my dear and twisted 0.5 of a reader, is another post altogheter.