1 Underpants.

2 An ice cube tray that has NOT been filled up by me! (will somebody else Please work out how to use the tap and fill the damn thing up when they have used all the ice)

3 Human body parts.

4 Books.

5 A full bottle of Vodka.

Thank you that is all.

I hate bloody Chuggers!

For those of you that don’t know the term, it is short for Charity Muggers – those bastards in the street that try to stop you and get you to set up a direct debit for Children in need, Save the Ferret, Friends of the Earth, Badgers in Danger or Larks tongues in Aspic or whatever the fuck it is that day!

Packs of them stand on the pavement and jump into your way, insisting on talking at you and being all nice and friendly and outgoing, invading your personal space and commenting on anything you have with you or are wearing “Oh you like Marshall Amplifiers, do you play guitar then?” – Just FUCK OFF!

You want my money? SEND ME A FUCKING MAIL SHOT!

I actually saw one of the pushy bastards follow someone as they crossed the road when it was obvious that they were not going to get a donation, would he let it go? Would he bollocks!

But I wouldn’t mind being accosted by one of the twats from Cancer Research, just so I could do the joke I heard on telly ages ago –

“Excuse me sir, could you spare five minutes for Cancer Research?”

“Well OK, but we ain’t going to get much done in five minutes are we!”

I will be flying up to Edinburgh next weekend and this brought to mind a shameful secret which, being the selfless person I am, I will share with you.

Every single time I find myself in an Aircraft and we are taxing to the runway, I hear in my head the music they used to play on Thunderbirds whenever they launched Thunderbird 2.

So what shall I tell you this morning?

Inspired by a recent friends post, I could tell you about the crumple zone my nose appears to have which means that out of the many times I have been hit, not one has resulted in a broken nose, as my hooter folds over to the right hand side. If a left-hander ever smacks me I’m in trouble. But I just have told you so that’s out.

I could tell you that I have noticed I am back in the habit of walking around with my head down to hide the red patches on my face from people – a habit I got out of in my early twenties, but that would be another pointless self indulgent whinge. And anyway it’s not so bad now after a couple of applications of HC45 cream.

Maybe I could say that, as I have not touched a guitar in over 24 hours I am getting a bit twitchy, but my addictions are my problem.

I think the best thing is not to bother posting until I actually have something to say.

So I will do that and spare you the boredom of reading another load of old bollocks.

Oh hang on….

BUGGER!