To play some blues on my guitar and sip some whisky.

Goodnight.

x

Many years ago, when I was working in a different department of this august company, I had a run in with a woman over some paperwork. She wanted our department to do something for her department and a form had to be filled in. She managed to cock this up, and I pointed it out to her politely. She was in a bit of a rush and must have been having a bad day, as she cheerfully replied.

“Oh stop being so fucking PETTY!”

Snatched the form out of my hand and stormed off. When she came back in she thrust it at me and said

“That better be alright now!”

I smiled, took a very long good hard look at the form, twice in fact, and beamed at her

“Yes, it’s perfect”

And out she stormed.

And she has been for evermore called “Hatchet face” in my mind.

And every single time her department had any dealings with our department, I made sure to show her EXACTLY what someone being petty and picky was actually like. For the entire three years I stayed on that team.

Imaging my joy just now, to look up and see Hatchet Face sitting at a desk not 20 feet from me.

We did not, you will be surprised to hear, rush up to each other and do big “Mwah” air kisses at all.

How the fuck do you get a note that you have left on that new little "note pad" thing on here to go away!

I have deleted it and changed it and it still says "Don't forget to get your sunglasses back off Jxxxx"

Which I did on Friday.

I know it is a trivial piffling matter in the grand scheme of things but it is getting on my raspberries!

Why have I been tagged

"Windowbox" and by whom?

Hang on. Are you (whoever you are) refering to me being sick in a window box many years ago?

Well it was in Portugal so that don't count.

I think, well I sort of think that is the only windowbox incident I can think of.

Of course I am now trying to remember anything connected to windowboxes that has ever happened. Some very worrying little pictures are popping up here and there in my head, so thanks so much for that.

eeeep.

You may recall I did a post about the last time I sat in mollys in soho a couple of weeks ago, and how I saw a very attractive woman riding a bike while wearing a very short skirt and stockings and suspenders yes?

Well the good news (for me anyway) is that I just saw her ride past the office while i was outside having a ciggie - and she had a really short skirt and YES stockings and suspenders on, and on display!

Bad news....They were fishnets!

Bugger.

Still, guess where I will be at 2.30 tomorrow!

ahem.

Does it make you giggle when you fart in an empty lift?

OK, let me re-phrase that.

Why does it make ME giggle.

TMI?

My face has the skin texture of a reptile (I must drink lots of water, actually I need to drink lots of water)

I have eaten far too much food this weekend (but it was all sooooo good)

I feel like I am running on dead batteries.

And I am totally bemused by people and things in general.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

I have said on here somewhere before that my timing is normally pretty good, and sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes other peoples timing is just on another scale of wrong or, depending how you look at it, even more right.

For example:

I was at an engagement party and there was a lot of drink. That is not an excuse, just a fact. This was of course way back in my twenties, which should be obvious, as you all know that I am now a total pillar of virtue and sobriety.

This story had to be told to me by someone who was there and clear headed, as I don’t remember this part of the evening. I do remember some other stuff that happened and even today after many years have passed I still shudder at the memory.

So anyway, I got a wee bit drunk and wandered off to the toilet. I was at the party with some friends and one of them (a female of my acquaintance who may or may not be a blogger of this parish) was approached by a man who tapped her on the shoulder.

“Excuse me love, I think your mate is having a bit of a problem getting out of the bathroom”

So good female friend came to find me. And there I was sat on the toilet, trousers and underpants around my ankles, totally unable to stand up or even see. How the toilet door got opened is beyond both our memories. So good female friend gets me to stand up, and she kneels down in front of me to pull up my clothing, as she does this I rest my hands on her shoulders. Nothing – I repeat – NOTHING was going on, hey I was very very drunk.

But it was at that PRICISE moment that my then girlfriend, who had been out with some of her friends decided to arrive, not just in the house – but right there on the scene.

For some odd reason, upon seeing me naked from the waste down with a female kneeling in front of me, she burst into tears.

She always had lousy timing that girl.

And no, she didn't dump me on the spot.

A headline I spotted today.

“Obesity as big a crisis as climate”

EH?

How is a big lad in hull going to cause the oceans to die? How is a chubby lass in Letchworth going to melt all the ice caps and drown us all?

Apart from the odd dolphin or seabird gagging on their carelessly discarded burger boxes, how exactly are they as big a problem as climate change?

Maybe the combined weight of all the “Aerodynamically challenged” individuals on Earth will cause our planet to wobble closer to the sun, baking us alive – or orbit further out, freezing us to death.

Who knows?

Well yes actually!

So there. Well erm, actually the last time I was totally green was after Big Al's wife said "Nick, look after this joint till I come back from the bog"

And well, you have to keep a fire stoked by drawing air through it. and I did. And I giggled alot. And everyone pointed at me.

But.

Stream of unconciousness ess iss ess, or something coming up

The planet we are on is quite possibly fucked, or is quite possibly going through one of its natural phases of heating up and then cooling down. Global warming is not new. Anyone who looks can see this. Global freezing is not new. Been going on for, well ice ages actually.

Yes, oh yes - we are dirty little buggers and now the powers that be, and the goth/crusty/traveler/pagan/new age scientists... (who I have a lot more sympathy for, as they are like my distant younger more keen less world weary cousins, or something) are saying "we will do this to save the world" on one side and "you cunts that is not enough" on the other, But for christs sake.

I think its too late.

So fuck it all - STOP SHAGGING AND HAVING BABIES!

The world is fucked, stop arguing and just accept it.

Lets have a party for all the people left and just all go down together.

Ahem.

(ok, I know some of you who may be reading this don't know me or my sense of humour and will not be able to tell that I am in fact, joking in part and just having a wind up at a day that we "must" take part in if we want to be seen as "good humans" but if this does offend you, FUCK RIGHT OFF.)