Well no I'm not, but!

As some of you have mentioned this activity (pocketmon for one) and some of you have mentioned you don't like my "madbastard bog" avatar, I have changed it to one of the special ones I had done for "talk like a pirate" day.

Just to get into the wossname of sumfink analladat innit.

ahem.

Well what with me not filling the blogwaves up with twaddle for a couple of days I thought I would try to "Get back on the horse" as it were.

But every time I try to check emails or read a post or leave a comment this fucking computer - my work computer - times out and cant do it first go.

It is a tad frustrating!

So I may not bother too much as I want to keep my blood pressure low.

Who am I kidding, addict that I am. I will obvously try again and again in between coffee and ciggie breaks otherwise the boredom of not working will drive me nuts or give me time to think.

Good job I pre selected lots of supernatural/horror themed vids and set them to go up "on the timer" on channel 136 already then.

I may have to consider an early lunch.

I have discovered that when I put my heels down hard as I walk, my big clumpy boots make a nice farting noise as my foot moves inside them.

That's my entertainment sorted out for the long airport queue through security on Friday morning then.

You know how it is – a trip away approaches and you start to think of the things you need. I also start to think of all the things that can go wrong as you trudge along in your snails pace moving line at those factories of fun “British Airports” (not that this prevented me once trying to get through security with what can only be described as a little metal hammer in my hand luggage. No I honestly forgot it was there and no they did not let me keep it.)

I know for a fact that some bored jobs worth WILL want me to take off my footwear and put them through the x-ray machine because I will be wearing boots. Big black clumpy Caterpillar style boots – well I am going to go up Carlton Hill and possibly the Cliffs overlooking Edinburgh for a full on billowy shirt moment so stout footwear is a must. But these type of booties attract the attention of the little Hitler types very much, and remembering that made me think about socks.

Yes, I’m sorry but I do tend to wear my socks to destruction, although they are always well washed I do tend to get beyond the normal mileage out of them. So I thought to myself “Do you really want to be standing there with your big toes sticking out of a well worn pair of socks or do we buy new ones?”

No contest, skint as I am it was time to buy socks.

M&S – fuck off! £10 for five pairs? Hmmm.

So I went down the Morten Harkett* and got five pairs of identical socks for £3. They’re only going to get worn to destruction anyway.

In other news, wibble.

* Morten Harkett (lead singer with foreign 80’s pop bastards A-HA) = Market.  

Went out today with S&F and Sarah to see some old stuff.

Ya know, history and stuff. Queen Elizabeths hunting lodge. Not that the lodge went hunting of course. Eh?

Before that we stopped at a large expanse of water hemed in by forest, with lots of those wet things paddeling about on the surface, what are they called again?

Not Canoeists, ducks - them wet feathery things, you know. And them hissy bastards and the black things with the big feet. Yeah, Swans and Geese and Coots.

So, after pelting the bastards with bread and having a walk about the woods we went and had food.

And then we dropped Sarah back with her Mum at home and headed back here.

Now I am just going for a coffee/brandy/whisky/guitar type interlude and would like to just say that the spelling in this post is all my own drunken work and therefore should be either preserved for the blog nation or laughed and pointed at as an example.

God I think I may be slightly drunk.

Which will please Jo and give her something to talk about.

I have mostly been doing the same as this morning - nothing!

Well nothing work wise. Fuck 'em.

I have blogged and watched music vids on youtube but this afternoon I am in the mood for something else.

Yes - twaddle!

Of which there is a goodly amount on you tube.

So far this arvo I have watched some absolute bobbings about 9/11 and the planes carrying rockets to blow there way into the building, and am at the moment waiting for the second part of a right load of old entertaining guff about the philidelphia experiment, which is nothing to do with soft cheese at all!

So there.

Yes! it is nearly time to go and do the dance of a thousand Sandwiches!

I will be having a bowl of special K.

Erm right.

OK.

What are you having?

Just realised that I have not posted anything so far today!

I just know how sad you would be, my dear and loyal 0.5 of a reader, if I did not make your morning bright with my wossname of the wordy nature.

That whirring sound in the background is my English teacher spinning in his grave.

Now, erm well.

Oh yeah. Saw a very disturbing photo of Cate Blanchett in the Metro today. Why was it disturbing? Has another Hollywood star gone the way of bones and undereating but insisting on sporting a low backed and low cut frock to show off the bones?

No, Cate was dressed as a young Bob Dylan, who she is playing in a new bio pick. And Christ on a petrol powered pogo stick, she looked just like him!

In other news. You do realise your still logged into google mail don't you?

Why am I still awake?

Oh yeah, because I have not gone to bed.

Been playing with the dog.

WAIT A MINUTE!

WE DON'T HAVE A DOG!

Wibble.

In other news.

tick tock tick tock.

meep.

1 Underpants.

2 An ice cube tray that has NOT been filled up by me! (will somebody else Please work out how to use the tap and fill the damn thing up when they have used all the ice)

3 Human body parts.

4 Books.

5 A full bottle of Vodka.

Thank you that is all.

I hate bloody Chuggers!

For those of you that don’t know the term, it is short for Charity Muggers – those bastards in the street that try to stop you and get you to set up a direct debit for Children in need, Save the Ferret, Friends of the Earth, Badgers in Danger or Larks tongues in Aspic or whatever the fuck it is that day!

Packs of them stand on the pavement and jump into your way, insisting on talking at you and being all nice and friendly and outgoing, invading your personal space and commenting on anything you have with you or are wearing “Oh you like Marshall Amplifiers, do you play guitar then?” – Just FUCK OFF!

You want my money? SEND ME A FUCKING MAIL SHOT!

I actually saw one of the pushy bastards follow someone as they crossed the road when it was obvious that they were not going to get a donation, would he let it go? Would he bollocks!

But I wouldn’t mind being accosted by one of the twats from Cancer Research, just so I could do the joke I heard on telly ages ago –

“Excuse me sir, could you spare five minutes for Cancer Research?”

“Well OK, but we ain’t going to get much done in five minutes are we!”

I will be flying up to Edinburgh next weekend and this brought to mind a shameful secret which, being the selfless person I am, I will share with you.

Every single time I find myself in an Aircraft and we are taxing to the runway, I hear in my head the music they used to play on Thunderbirds whenever they launched Thunderbird 2.

So what shall I tell you this morning?

Inspired by a recent friends post, I could tell you about the crumple zone my nose appears to have which means that out of the many times I have been hit, not one has resulted in a broken nose, as my hooter folds over to the right hand side. If a left-hander ever smacks me I’m in trouble. But I just have told you so that’s out.

I could tell you that I have noticed I am back in the habit of walking around with my head down to hide the red patches on my face from people – a habit I got out of in my early twenties, but that would be another pointless self indulgent whinge. And anyway it’s not so bad now after a couple of applications of HC45 cream.

Maybe I could say that, as I have not touched a guitar in over 24 hours I am getting a bit twitchy, but my addictions are my problem.

I think the best thing is not to bother posting until I actually have something to say.

So I will do that and spare you the boredom of reading another load of old bollocks.

Oh hang on….

BUGGER!

I will mostly be attempting to watch old Top Gear clips on youtube.

But the system here is very slow due to thousands of other workers in the company using the internet during there lunch breaks.

ho hum.

What an exciting day.

A brown paper bag.

Over my head.

Possibly with eye holes but I have not decided.

Why, because the skin above my eyebrows and on either side of my nose looks like it has been donated by a leper and grafted on to me using superglue mixed with builders sand.

It is red, and it feels raw and it is flaky.

Thank you so fucking much.

I was going to put aside the Marshall baseball cap and move on to the woolly beanie type winter thing I favour in these cold months, but as I feel the need to hide as much as possible the baseball cap stays in service. I can hide the red section of my face behind the peak as I walk with my head down. Probably makes me look very suspicious on CCTV – “Appearing on Crimewatch soon, Old Nick!”

Anyway, the best and most happy news is that although it may look a little less livid in natural light, under harsh, bright UV lights – the sort you get in crowded offices, the EXACT sort of lights I am going to be spending most of my fucking day under, it looks fucking awful.

(Yes, I know there are people in the world with real problems and real health issues, but they can get their own fucking blog and bleat in it there! My blog – my pathetic whinge!)

Now I will be over there in the corner hiding behind a monitor all day.

Hmmmph.

I am so bored my aviation geek comes out....

I have just started reading about the development programme of the B52 bomber on Wiki.

You KNOW your bored when you can't even control your inner geek.

bugger.

A while back I mentioned that a woman works here on occasion who is a bit lovely.

OK, she is a bit thin but she is tall so maybe thats an excuse.

and she has very dark eyes. Not that I have noticed them much.

Ahem.

She is in today and has been walking round the office making enough noise as she walks for a 13 stone man! It must be the heals she has on or something. Very distracting - Clomp clomp clomp all over the place.

There was also another woman who only occasionally uses this office in today, and she is - and I am not being nasty here - a foot shorter and at least five stone heavier than clompy tall bird. And you cant hear a sound when she walks by!

(no comments about the old cliche about big people being light on their feet purleeeez!)

Another window into the exciting office life I lead.

God I'm bored, so why shouldn't you be.

For most of today this site has been fighting with my PC and saying

"No, shan't" or timing out. Or just sitting here. Looking at me while the little bar in the bottom corner creeeeeeeeps from left to right. Before crashing.

OK, its the work pc and the network wossnames and such bollocks but it has stopped me getting around on here with anything approaching speed.

But now it appears to be back running at normals speed so I am free to indulge my awful trait of touch typing a load of old bollocks as it pours out of my head!

Yippe for me and hand knitted string beans!

So what shall I entertain you with then.......

Erm. How about the time I, no hang on - that wasn't me.

Or the thing with the thing and the hay and when the slippage or the erm.......

OK. I am running on Dull.

Well look. I promise to try and cram whatever I can in to whatever is left of my life so I actually do have something to say, maybe, sometime in the not too distant future.

right.

I need coffidge as I am still verrrrrr tired.

Had a quick look at some unknown blogs on here.

One of them is one of those commercial ones, you know - run by a business so what its doing here is beyond me. Anywzay it calls itself
"Blah blah business directory for all your events service needs"

OK, so why is there a picture of an attractive young woman smiling at the camera and looking lovely, and why are her vital statistics listed under her picture (including hair length and shoe size)

And those tags - "Dancer" "Model"

eh?

What sort of "events" are they providing services for then?

And how do you get invited......

Just noticed that from the home page of this site, it looks like my blog is No1!

Oh shit!

It's not really, it's just the odd way the featured blogs thing works on the home page.

BUT...

What if people unfamiliar with my dire and vacuous posts see that and come here wanting to be entertained!

Ah well.

Why is standing in a small lift with two people you don't know so embarrassing!

No - I did not make any rude or smelly noises thank you.

It's just that silence. The looking at the incredibly interesting buttons or wall or ANYTHING but the people in the lift with you. The complete and total feeling of uncomfort.

Or is that just me?

They also have wild water fowl and an aviary.

And once you go through the maze and find the underground grotto you find this fella.

And in the castle itself they have, erm, furniture.

so there ya go.

Just had a quick trip round blog world courtesey of the "next blog" button, and many people are commenting on the weather and sunsets and such.

At this time of year, when it is dark in the morning and late afternoon, that I remember a conversation I heard years ago.

I was at one of the Squats in Ilford. I had been asleep on the floor of someones room, as had many other people. All around were bodies in leather jackets showing signs of coming back to life. Out of the window you could see a rich royal blue sky and a few faint stars.

A sleepy voice in the darkness pipes up.

"What time is it?" Well after a party your never really sure when you are, are you. Another voice answered

"Seven O'clock"

A pause, and the original speaker having looked at the sky asked the not unreasonable question

"Which one?"

Just heard someone in the office ask someone else to print them off a copy of the new "Clear Desk Policy" that our company is going to try to enforce (again)

Eh? Print it off?

What, so you can leave it on your desk and get told off for not having a clear desk because you were reading about how important it is to have a clear desk.

Hang on.

Nope, can't get my head round that.

Never attempt to deal with modern technology when you have soup for brains chi