Slip the moorin' lines and prepare to ride the late evenin' tide!

Tis time I was off, Captinin the Starfish on a new adventure. I could be gone for a wee while me dearies, possibly a year at the very most. For I has me in my possesion - a map.

A map that I got by dint of stealin' it of a man whose friends best mates wifes' sister was a shaggin a man who had it in his possesion up until the time of its a stealin' and finding its way into my pocket. Just now.
Oo'er there it was, behind that there tavern. Or sumpin.

Anyway this ere map leads, possibly erm, probably in fact to the last know hiding place of a very rare fancy. A fancy that I be knowing a certain rich collector will be right glad to exchange many bits of gold for.

The voyage will be perilous, there will be danger, rough seas and rougher women. But 'tis the very sort of lark that gladdens a pirates internals an all.

I am off to a thing that is the very last of it's kind.

The legendary "white dogs egg"

Arrrrrrrrrrrrg! Wish me luck!

Them that dies will be the lucky ones!!!!!!

Ahh, Feet up and a glass of something looted from parts forreen!

Now when us pirate cap'ns get the rare moment alone to unwind, we tend to favour a pipe o' baccy. The style of pipe is very important also, what with there be so many of em, Corncob, Mearsham and such.

But I like nothing better than popping the stem of a church warder between my lips and drawing hard till the delightful flavour of rough Navy Shag hits the back of me throat.

Arrrrrr, excuse me while I disapear in a cloud of smoke shipmates....

Yes me darlin's tis punishment duty!

Yes, if ye has been bothered by anyone, in your persnal life or by some figure of so called "celebrity" or "authority" and would like to see them in chains and forced to walk along a length of wood to a watery grave, let's hear about it!

You nominate them, an' I will prod them with something sharp till they drop off the end o' the plank.

Tis a public service I tell eee!

Arrrrg.

Now I am finding me self a wee bit on the short side of staffed after this mornin’s thinning of the heard. So I need some recruits.

I appear to be in need of a first Mate, as Mr Padds be mizzen. (It’s an old naval joke, don’t eee worry yerself over it)

But I do have a few good crew members still on me decks. Leading wench like duties be fallin to the ever ready Mrs F, who is always ready to lend a hand and get mucky wi tha best of em. A treasure she is.

And down in the galley there be the steadfast Shipscook, who be a damn fine provider of victuals to starving sailors.

On the subject o’ food, us pirates do love a bit o’ fish. I mean the bloody sea be full of the buggers so why not. In fact manys the time I have come on deck, got the cabin boy to fetch a cloth, and seen various members o’ the crew standin’ at the rail, eyes fixed on the horizon with a contented smile on there faces as they dangle their tackle over the side.

The supply of fresh fish keeps Cookie busy. And he is a master of the art of mixing batter. In fact his batter be soo light n’ delicate, even if’n a food can be such, innocent tastin’ as the crew have taken to callin it “Baby Batter”

If you ever find yerself wanderin into the galley, you often find old cookie there, his elbow a blur as he knocks out a fresh batch of his Baby Batter. Arrr, tis a sight to behold. He as to change hands sometimes, such is his commitment to fillin’ his bowl.

Strange how nun o’ the crew wanna lick them bowls clean though, not even ships cat’ll go near em.

SO.

I need, gun crews, gunnery officers, loaders, lookouts, riggers, friggers, cabin crew and general hands. And some loose wimmin wouldn’t go amiss either.

And if ye is all good, I may extend my plank later jus like las’ year.

And we all know wha that means dun we!

Arrrrrr.

Some ye may be remembrin’ last year and my last chat with you all. I told ee I was off for a run ashore for some wenchin’ and grog. Which I did, oh yes.

But I awoke in the mornin’ with the clap! Yes, in irons no less and tossed vigorously into a wretched lil’ ‘ole I was for a year. That will teach me to be careful what I drink and no mistake.

So imagine my shock when I dragged me poor weak carcass back to the docks and boarded my ship, and found my Starfish full of strange Seamen! Not one of the hands on my Starfish was known to me! A shocking state of affairs, true enough she was still tightly lashed to the harbour as I had instructed Mr Padds to do, but all these new faces were just too much!

And where was Mr Padds?

Now I like to have my starfish filled with seamen I know of, as it were. Them as I have sailed with and got a taste for. So what to do with this new gaggle of wretches?

Well being the ruthless, cruel and quick to anger Cap’n I am there was only one course of action I could take.

I lined them all up on the Starboard side and tossed them all off into the harbour!

Blimey my wrist ‘urts I can tell eee!

And I would like to offer up an apology to the Admirals Daughter, who jus so ‘append to be out for a row with ‘er manservant and passin’ by the Starfish at this moment. The look of surprise on her face as discharged seamen rained down about her skiff was a sight te be seeing matey!

Good job she ‘ad that parasol wiv ‘er, or it could have ruined that nice dress!

But now I seem to be a bit short on crewmembers. Bugger.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Arrggg me pretties! Tis I – Cap’n Nick - fresh out of prison after an evil time in a dank hole that smelt o’things best not spoken of at breakfast time. Out on good behaviour says I! Yes me! Who would a thought it eh? Took a lot of suckin’ up to the guards but in the end I managed to pull it off!

So excuse me a while, an I will tell you of my return to my beloved ship The Chocolate Starfish, as I prepare once again to sail the seas o’ smut and poor taste.

Yes it is that time o year when my beloved Starfish braves the salty spume once more!

And just remember one thing me darlin’s.

The Cap’ns word is final!