As that is the amount of time left on the old ticker down the bottom of the page in this here cafe, I thought I would use the time to write this, possibly the most important and valuable entry ever on a blog anywhere in the world, one that will one day get me an OBE at the very least.

And what I have to impart is this:

wait hang on, oh shit the money is ru

Yep.

And she was cute.

And she had tattoos.

And she didn't charge me full price.

Oh yes.

I went out to one of the many fine tattoo and piercing parlours in this fair city and got myself some new earings to match the pirate one in my upper ear that I got last time.

As these new ones are a bit thicker than the old ones, one of the holes in my ear needed stretching out before it would accept the new ring.

So said dark haired and sexy lovely produced a curved and evil looking kneedle like thing to have at my little lobe!

But with a bit of lubrication and a little gentle jiggling it was slipped in fine and dandy, as with so much in life.....

She even re hung my little devil and said he suited me.

Whatever that means.

Off tonight to the frost fair which is still lurking in the park under the Castle. I think some more mulled wine is in order if the stalls are still there and have not effed off back to Bavaria.

Have a good evening folks.

So we got tickets to go to the Torchlight parade that they had yesterday in Edinburgh. We got our big candles and gathered in Parliament Square waiting for the off. Then the vikings turned up.

Well OK, blokes dressed in rather "Hollywood" bad viking outfits, but they were leading the procession and towing a small viking longboat that was to be paraded up to the top of Carlton hill and burnt, along with some other things.

So at about 18.45, the torches started to get lit, which was good as I was getting a bit cold.

And off we went, but as it is Scotland we had to march behind one of the many bands of pipers playing jolly and uplifting and most of all - bloody loud tunes, past many interesting buildings.

and along many streets on our way to Carlton Hill, there really were quite a lot of us...

Then we all massed on the hill

and discovered that the Viking lads had had a bit of an incident with their boat, much the same as last years incident. Will they ever learn?

And this big (about 20 ft tall) lad was not long for this world either once the vikings got to him!

Now I said that I didn't burn anyone or get burnt by anyone in this procession, but I did see some rather stupid behaviour. I don't personally think it is a good idea to give kids less than five feet tall a big three foot long candle to hold as they walk along because it puts the flame at adult face level! and as for the woman pushing the little kid along in the push chair and letting it hold the torch....fucking unbelievable.

I fully expect that next year health and safety will make everyone carry glow sticks instead, which will rather spoil the event.

Oh and a special word of thanks to the young girl steward who told us that there would not be any fireworks, which would explain why when we left and got to the bottom of the hill the sky above us was ripped apart by the most spectacular display of fire power I have seen in this country.

So that would have been the "no fireworks" then eh?

I didn't set anyone on fire last night, despite wanderingg along with a flaming torch (or to be honest a bloody big candle) in my hand in the company of about 25000 people. and no one set me on fire either, and Edinburgh still stands uncooked this morning.

So that's a bonus then.

Pics of this mass "Charridee" flaming walking and stuff event to follow.....

Possibly.

Oh and I met a very strange man in the rock bar who swore he knew me from years ago from a club up here he used to dj at, which was bollocks as it turned out...

cant take me anywhere apparently,

God I'm knackered.

Well at least I have a couple of healthy quiet days coming up.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Its' my own fault. And I am only typing this to try to stay awake.

And so far its working like a adl;skhjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaklkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Wah!

Ouch, that bloody hurt! I now have the imprint of the keyboard all over my expanding forhead!

Walked into the pub this lunchtime and found it empty.

Except for the barmaid, who had her head burried between the legs of a raindeer and was blowing for all she was worth!

"Mammy! Mammy deres someone in de baaar!" said one of the two kids watching this spectacle. Yes I know, I am shocked that poor little childers where forced to see their mother performing so in what was, up until my arrival, an empty pub - and I am shocked and sitting with the back of my right wrist pressed to my forhead much in the manner of the picture above even as I type. Which is making it a bit difficult.

So she put down the manically grinning plastic Rudolph and came round to the right side of the bar.

"Oh jazus I was so bored oi tort I'd blow de raindeer up" Said she. (she's from Brazil or something)

Why have I never got my camera with me when I need it?

But I suppose now that we have smoked this year nearly down to its filter tip, that is to be expected. People getting ready to try and find something to be doing when the clock strikes midnight on new years eave, because we all know that to be alone at that particular hour proves that you have failed again, have nothing and no-one, or that you have just been chucked out of the party for trying to cop a feel from your hosts wife.

Well, as no one is asking but I am typing, I will tell you what my plans are (as if you didn't already know - but I gotta type SOMETHING!)

I will be taking off to Edinburgh in the company of Shipscook, Mrs F and the Moff in the early hours of tomorrow and not coming back till sometime on the 3rd of January.

Blog posts may be limited during this period as Moff only has the one lap top and our fighting over it means we normally get to the drinking part of the evening about two hours later than I would like.

We are also at some point during the stay having lunch in The Witchery restaurant - the one with the OCD waiters! I will try not to wind them up with my napkin again. much.

There is going to be a viking longship burning on Carlton hill at some point and we are going to attempt to attend that, and other festivities no boubt all of which I will endeavour to photograph to aid my boring you all at some point with some blog. Well you may as well get the most from your pro account eh?

I hope you all have plans that you are actually looking forward to and not dreading?

Or “How to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the office and a positive joy to be around”.

1 – Make sure all children are safely stapled into their beds.

2 – Make sure wife is on the sofa watching “Mrs Henderson Presents” early onset genital warts or whatever the film was.

3 – Go and sit at the pc.

4 – Crack open a bottle of bourbon.

5 – Arse around on the computer and blog till film has finished and wife has gone to bed.

6 – Have some more bourbon.

7 – Take goodly slug of bourbon into other room and watch the video of the extras xmas special and try not to cry at the sad bits.

8- Go back into music/pc room and have some more bourbon.

9 – Arse around on blog talking about pirate ships, boyfriends, underwear, relationships, blogs you wished you’d written, travel and such, while maintaining an even flow of bourbon.

10 – Look at watch and realise it is 1.45 ish in the morning.

11 – Go to bed and try not to think about the alarm going off at 5.45.

12 – Arrive at work feeling wonderful.

Ahem.

It's the way I normally like to do it.

What I mean is, if you see a film of a book before reading the book, you don't sit there shouting at the screen.

For example, I saw "Trainspotting" before reading the book. I enjoyed the film imensly and read the book after. I also thought the book was great as well but if I had read it first I would have watched the film and been going "Hang on! what about the scene in the pub leading up to this? And he never said that! and where is that character and why is so and so not in it!"

Without reading the book I just enjoyed the film for what it was, and on reading the book I got to see that it would have been a harder task to film it as it was written, and maybe a bit too long. So I got the maximum pleasure from both.

But sometimes this does not work.

For example, I am now reading "Frankenstein" By Mary Shelly. Never read it before but of course I have seen loads of films of the book and so on.

I always thought the creature was created in a thunderstorm amid much drama and sparking lab equipment, and there was an "igor" running about doing the old "Yeth massssthcer!" stuff.

But no.

In fact it goes thusly:

"It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half- extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open"

And the creature, although horrible to the sight of poor vicy baby, has a full head of dark hair and is apparently quite good looking. Not bolts through the neck, no "flat top" head do, no big clumpy boots....

Curse you Hollywood!

And curse my tardiness in getting round to reading the book. I could have sat at home screaming "That's bollocks that is" at all those Frankenstien movies on the tv.......

Mind you, I did enjoy all that windmill burning and angry villagers malarky in the film......

On xmas day, Sarah got a "Fur Real" cat toy thing. It purrs and makes very realistic "pawing" motions with its front feet when you feed it or stroke it.

So when at S&F's, I borrowed it from sarah and put it down on the floor in front of Cleopatra (or shipscat 2 as she is also known) and started it off purring and pawing.

The look of utter fear and disgust on cleos face was a picture (which I missed due to not having the camera to hand) and she shot off out to the kitchen at high speed.

She has forgiven me though, she came and made a big purring fuss of me this morning as I lay in bed.

She can't stay mad at me for too long, I am too good a source of heat.

Over Christmas I mean.

Well OK, we watched Dr Who and it was good, but the rest of it!

What utter bollocks. So We didn't bother. We did other things instead and had a good time.

Well OK, yes I did make Mr S put "The Great Escape" on but it would not be xmas if you didn't sit in a near coma in front of a film and gas the fellow couch sitters and have things thrown at you or get slapped around a bit for being a vile and smelly git.

Its all that turkey and gooses fault, oh and the sprouts.

Last year I had it easy. Not only did I get to write about someone whose blog I read regularly, but I had also met them in the real world. At the time I thought it was difficult but this year I can see how easy I had it.

This year I drew someone who I have never read before (I know, we are all supposed to read everyones blogs even if we don’t have them on our friends list – its in the rules, ahem) and so I have had to have a quick squint up and down their blog.

Someblokes blog is like mine and many others on here in a way. He writes about what is going on in his life, his concerns and interests. He is a tad older than me, and his blog is a lot less prone to smut and swearing than mine is. Which is not that surprising really.

He has been married for 36 years! THIRTY-SIX BLOODY YEARS! I couldn’t even manage 13!

And he likes gardening. Which is where we differ as I think the best thing to do in a garden is sunbathe or play swing ball with Sarah.

But I did notice that he has been affected by a condition that has touched my life and many others on here. Blog addiction! So much so that it stopped him from gardening and doing the normal things in life that helped him knock up 36 years of marriage.

So he did the sensible thing and had a break, and tried to stop drifting away from the things and people he loves. A very sensible attitude, I hope your listening blog world!

And he was a jazz musician, so he’s all right by me.

I can change my mind can’t I?

“Shutting the blog down till next year” – Oh really. Well I meant it when I said it as I was in a bit of a funny mood. And the other posts were written when either drunk of depressed or both. Funny time of year eh?

And now here I is, sat at “work” and with a pc in front of me that actually does let me see emails (unlike the one at S&F’s) and see more than one page of blogs (unlike the one at home) so I can catch up on stuff.

Still have to do my secret Santa post or face the wrath of lyndz.

Also have to figure out how to get home due to Liverpool street station being closed.

And of course have to keep myself amused so I will probably be chucking out loads of rubbish today for no one to read, as you are all most likely at home peaking at the TV over the tops of your distended bellys.

Gym membership anyone?

Very drunk.

Very very in need of sleep.

Drinking.

Half physco because of the damn computer being a total ARSE!

Happy in an odd way.

Determinded to wake up next to someone I love next xmas morning.

And about to go watch "Up Pompei" and go all "oooh noooo well I never, now ladies and gentlemen"

And such.

And I is fat.

All across this land, that phrase has been uttered by people putting on a performance that would shame sir Larry.

Now Jo and I didnt' get pressies for each other this year, not realy the situation for gift exchanges really. But we both got Sarah stuff to give to us from her.

I got jo a cd she wanted and a choccy snowman (Chocolate + woman = good gift idea)

Jo got sarah the DVD of Thin Lizzy live at the rainbow, which is finally out in the sparkly format! Yay! (I am right now listening to the bonus live cd from 1978 in some place like Wolverhampton and might watch the two gigs on the dvd later)

She aslo got a dvd of "It's a wonderful Life"! yep, that xmas film that I know many people on here love.

Now think people, who exactly on this here blog or planet would you think was the least likely to share the sentiments expressed in said film, at this time of year?

Hmmmmm?

Now a dvd of "A matter of life or death" or "The man who would be king" would have been perfect.

Soooooooooo,

What did you get that was way off the target this year?

(yes Shipscook, I know about the jim jams!)

In other news. I am holding it together OK so far.

That after three of them, you realise that you don't have much vodka left in the bottle.

Might have to up the vermoth content. Which is of course a cardinal sin..........

I don't know why, but in my head I have just had a vision - A vision of christmas to be hoped for...

In this vision, Nigella Lawson leans towards me in a VERY low cut top, and in that sexy voice says:

"My Puppies are not just for Christmas, they're for you!" Then arches one of her eyebrows and smiles......

SCHWIIIIIIIIIIINNNGGGG!

Oh mercy.

I can dream can't I?......

Time for another martini.

Taking a leaf out of Hectors book, I am shutting down this blog over the festering period.

Because sometimes there is no fucking point.

If anyone wants me I will be spending quite a bit of time at S&F's getting horribly drunk.

Hope you all have a great time.

See you next year sometime.

In case you were concerned.

ahem.

Did anyone else have shedloads of trouble with Googlemail and such last night?

The curse of technology! when you really want to use it, it buggers off!

Grrrrrr.

And don't get me started on mobile phones.

Yes Row, it does happen to us blokes! (But we are not too prissy to blog it. Well I’m not)

This morning as I got dressed I selected a nice clean and healthy looking pair of underpants from the bedside draw. I finished getting dressed and toddled off to the station. As I was walking, I felt this sensation of something pressing against the backs of the tops of my thighs, just under my bum.

Now I put my hand round for a casual feel and found that this sensation of light pressure was where the bottom of the fleece jacket was pressing against my upper legs – it has a tie string in it so you can pull it tight in bad weather.

Well that explained that. I thought.

When I got off the train in this here fancy London, I could feel the same sensation but now it also could be noticed at the front of my thighs, which was odd. So I pulled the jacket out away from me and was surprised when I could still feel it against my thighs.

“Oh. Bugger.” I thought, “That can’t be my pants!”

But it was. The waist elastic had decided to give up on life, and they were now basically at more than half-mast! But unlike certain female bloggers I was wearing trousers so they were not actually going to go anywhere. But it is a very odd and uncomfortable sensation to walk around feeling like you are exposing your arse to the world and your pants are about to leave the building of their own free will.

It felt so odd I started to laugh at myself, and as soon as I got here I headed for the toilet for a quick re hoist.

If they are too uncomfortable I may have to go commando later……….

I hope all your presents were of the loud and rocking variety, or at least drinkable.

Or both even!

I have been sitting in this office with a pair of boots on and my feet have been cold all day. It's bloody freezing in here.

All weekend in Edinburgh my feet were warm, yet sat in my "cozy" office I have got cold bloody feet!

And now I have had enough and am going home.

Bollocks to everything!